28-12-YC121

I have just enough time to write this before it is scanned and sent in the SHEBA, but it is too important not to include.

They say that God works in mysterious ways, and it is true.  Lilya contacted me.  She came for the civilians and is evacuating them now.  She intends to take them to a neutral place where they can go where they wish.  She also tried to persuade me to leave, but I explained why I could not.  She understood, though it was hard for her to accept.  Accept she did, but in exchange for something of such great importance that she recorded the communication in order that she may remind me of it should events result in my waking in a soft clone.

She asked me to marry her.

I said Yes.

Because I love her.

28-12-YC121

I never realised Tribals were so delicately sensitive.  All it takes is cheap insults to upset them. Here was I under the misguided impression they called themselves warriors.  It also appears that when pressed to the matter, they have little real desire to live up to their self-styled title of "Liberators" or "Saviours".  Pathetic.

My patience has run out.  I dislike leaving the civilians to their fate.  Despite the massive cognitive dissonance it appears to be causing the Tribals, I have no desire to see innocent civilians, especially children, die.  Yet, the delay caused by the Tribals' constant bickering and inherent mistrust - what could one expect from a society such as theirs - has afforded us enough time to make preparations.  If they assault, they will suffer, and we shall be able to last for some time.  Even when our ammunition is depleted, the time, and the terrain, favours us for close combat.  I have also had a section reconnoitre further into the mine with the help of the foreman who joined us, and there is an exit, though reaching it will be difficult, and there is no guarantee of safety at the end of if even if we do.  It is something to consider, however.

I shall have the last intelligence and information send out in another SHEBA, along with the electronically scanned file of this diary, after which I shall burn it.  This, therefore, may be my last entry in it, at least for now, but there is always a danger in soft clones.

The troops of Alfa Company, deSilvestris Household Naval Infantry have served bravely and with distinction.  It has been an Honour to lead them.  Contained within the SHEBA transmission are their last message to their families.  The Company Batushka has performed the Sacred Mysteries of Confession and Communion for us all, and we are prepared to fight and die in the Name and Glory of God.

To my family - I love you, and am grateful for all the help and support you have given me.
To Lilya - You shall forever be in my heart.  You are truly a Blessing from God.  Be strong, My Love, we shall be together again.
To Ishta - I am so very proud of you, and I wish you and Sasha all the happiness in the world.
To all in PIE - It was an Honour to serve.  You were all so inspirational to me.
To Constantin - I forgive you.

To Sirna - I miss you. I always have.  I am so sorry I was never the person you deserved.  I always loved you.

In the Name of God and the Eternal Empress, I give my life in the Service of The Holy Empire of Amarr.

Amarr Victor

Sumus Silvestre

25-12-YC121

Miara Blackfire as agreed to act as an escort for Oona Aldeland's evacuation of the East Hav civilians.  Praise be to God that at least these two have some care for the innocent.  I do not know if many people are aware of the situation here, but anyone following developments must surely see that not every Amarrian is the enslaving warmonger the Tribals say we are, and nor is every so-called warrior that the Minmatar throw into battle particularly concerned with the fate or welfare of those they so loudly proclaim to be "their people"!  It was not my intention to gain any sort of moral propaganda victory here, I have merely followed the teachings of my Father and the lessons of Father Mikhail.  I wonder if they are aware of what is happening here.

God Willing, Ms Aldeland will accept and confirm the terms of the cease-fire soon.  At that point, we will begin to move the locals to the transportation hub.  Those who have chosen to defend their home have already gone to the administration building and begun to barricade it.

So strange that in the midst of all this death springs new life.  One of the local women gave birth to a daughter this afternoon.  Medic Golikov helped deliver her, and despite everything she seems strong and healthy and took to her mother's breast with no trouble at all.  What a dear, sweet thing she is.  I asked her mother, Asal, what she intended to call her, but she did not know.  I think she was simply relieved that everything was alright.  I shall make sure that mother and child are at the very front, so that they can be amongst the first to leave for safety.  Similarly I would like the local children who have helped us to be evacuated before anyone else.  They deserve to find lives away from all of this.

25-12-YC121

It is not clear if there is to be an agreement on the evacuation of the civilians of East Hav.  Nauplius, the idiot, has made a suggestion on the IGS of using them as human shields.  Apart from the fact that I would never stain the honour of my family being committing such an atrocity, he seems to have failed to note that at least two of the Tribal war-leaders, or whatever they may call themselves, have made comments that clearly indicate they would not hesitate to indiscriminately murder every living thing in this town.

However, we have not sat idle whilst we wait for a sensible reply.  The Officers have taken recordings from the surviving troops of the Company - Yoiul messages for their families and loved ones.  In the next hour or so, these messages will be sent out as a Short High Energy Burst Algorithm to Sarum fleets in Floseswin, to then be passed immediately to my family, and it is only my family that have the corresponding algorithm to decrypt the deeper message.

We may very well be about to die, if such is God's Will, but at least Imperial Forces shall also have details of enemy strength and composition in this area, along with other information we have been able to obtain.

The civilians also need to be organised, so that they can be ready to move to the transport hub as soon as possible.  That will take time, but the activity should mask the preparations being made by some of the platoons.

I hope the Tribals enjoy their Yoiul gifts when they come.

25-12-YC121

The Tribal response has been one of polar extremes.  Oona Aldeland has offered to provide transports to remove the civilians from East Nav.  Maira Blackfire appears willing to provide armed cover, and has, at least, agreed to observe any ceasefire agreement.  If we can finalise details, then all may be well, at least for the innocents here.

Conversely, the usual rabid suspects are vowing to murder everyone in the settlement, innocent or not.  Elsebeth Rhiannon has all but washed her hands of the situation, but I must admit I expected very little else.  A couple of other Tribal fools are, as one might expect, simply baying for blood.  At least they have revealed their intention to use NBC weapons.  Forewarned is forearmed, as they say, though our equipment against such attacks is only basic.  Furthermore, knowing that this is a possibility, I am less inclined to allow the civilians that have offered to assist us in the final stages to do so.  I shall try to persuade them to leave for safety.  I believe, however, that they fear reprisals for being considered collaborators, so perhaps remaining with us is a more palatable fate.

Another group of civilians, around 30, appear to have decided that they have had enough of invaders.  They wish only to defend their home, and are not a part of my forces.  I admire their resolve, and I cannot blame them for wanting to keep another set of troops away from what is left of their property.  I have tried to speak with them to get them to leave, but they refuse.  Therefore I have agreed that they can arm themselves with basic weapons from the civilian stock we secured in the settlement, and have negotiated that rather than spread themselves out to their individual properties - not that there is anything left of any of them - they should, for safety's sake, group together in the administrative building on the East side of the settlement.  If an evacuation is arranged, I will inform the enemy of the presence of these civilians, who are merely defending themselves.  God Willing, they will avoid these brave souls.

The evacuation itself I shall try to arrange to take place at the transport station on the North side of the settlement.  It seems to be the most logical place, and the wide plaza is not entirely covered in rubble, allowing any transports relatively easy access.  This will also place the majority of activity on the opposite side of the town to my troops.  There is a minehead on the South side, with access to the workings.  Normally this would make very little sense, as it would only serve to trap us, but it may, firstly, provide some additional protection against any unconventional weapons, and secondly, one of the civilians who has joined us is a Mine Foreman, Sher Zamora his name, and he speaks of the workings coming up to the surface again some distance from East Nav.  These exit points are only small, however, barely more than ventilation shafts, and it is just as likely they have collapsed or been covered over, or are otherwise unusuable.  We shall see.  Perhaps God shall smile upon us, though if it is our Fate to die here, in this small mining town, then we shall go to it bravely, with hymns on our lips, Faith in our hearts, and the mounds of the enemy dead before us.

It is Yoiul.  I miss Mama, Papa, Kostya, and Felix, and Dzerzhinsky, of course.  I miss Okhrana and Cheka too.  Silly Hounds, I do so hope Felix is looking after them properly.

I wonder if Ishta has found Sasha yet.  Poor Mama, having two of her children away this year, and after Kostya had arranged some shore-leave!  At least, God Willing, she will get Sasha back.

24-12-YC121

I have made my offer on the IGS.  Let us see what they Tribals say.  Surely at least one of them has some humanity?

I pray to God it is so, but if not, the deaths of the people of East Hav shall not be on my conscience.

24-12-YC121

The scouts suggest that the enemy are preparing for another assault.  The Company now down to just over 100 strong, from 150, if it is of any significant force, we may not be able to repulse it, though we have prepared plenty of unpleasant surprises for them, and have fortified as well as we are able.  Enough of the locals have armed themselves to bring our total strength back to around 140, but I would rather that all those unwilling or unable to fight were evacuated.  The only way to that, of course, is by the graces of the enemy.

Contact is intermittent and sparse.  I suspect the enemy may be jamming our communications.  I will attempt to make contact with some of the more influential Tribal commanders, perhaps through the IGS, to see if a truce can be arranged to allow the evacuation of civilians.  Perhaps in the spirit of Yoiul they will be willing.  Perhaps not.  I can only try, and put my pray to God that they are moved to kindness and charity.

Yuill.  I did not think this is how I would spend it.  I miss my family, and Lilya.  I hope she is not fretting too much.  I pray that Ishta has managed to locate Sasha.  Yet, I look around me at the tired, but determined faces of this Company, and I see that we are united in Faith, resolved before God.  Even those who are wounded have said they do not wish to leave, even if I am able to get an agreement.

This is another kind of family, and at this moment, I would not give them up for all the Treasures of Heaven.

22-12-YC121

We saw our first real casualties these last two days.  Twenty-seven troops, almost an entire platoon, Leytenant Antonov amongst them.  An assault by the enemy that suggests they may very well be considering saving their artillery and facing us in hand-to-hand combat instead.  Twenty-seven of ours, but we have accounted for over eighty of theirs in return, so I think that our small numbers hides the skill that deSilvestris Household Naval Infantry have in this sort of environment.  Perhaps that shall give the Tribals pause, but I suspect it shall just make them fight all the harder, attempting to outdo one another in their primitive personal quests for glory.

Unfortunately, at least thirty civilians we also killed.  The Tribals seemed to make no distinction between us and the innocent locals.  True, those locals had taken up arms, and I imagine that is all the barbarians saw - there was no discernable attempt at any target identification.  They seem to be an undisciplined, though undoubtedly brave, rabble.  I think the inhabitants of this town are the bravest of all of us.  That is how most of our casualties were sustained - protecting the civilians who were not fighting, mostly elderly and children, as they sought shelter.

East Hav is the name of the town, though most of the Company seem to have an odd affection for Mining Settlement 45.  Indeed, they are already calling themselves The Forty-Fivers.

20-12-YC121

I should hardly be surprised that a small town such as this, marked on our maps only as Mining Settlement 45, though I suspect it does have a proper name, is being largely ignored by the enemy.  Only the occassional, sporadic probe seems to come to test us, and thus far we have seen them off with only a few minor casualties.  Not one of my Company is, as yet, incapable of fighting, and even some of the locals are beginning to aid us.  That is something I do find rather surprising, but perhaps it because we have not maltreated them and they do not wish to see any more damage done to their home, though what more damage could be done, I am not sure.

The enemy will come eventually, of course.  We shall be ready for them, and shall make them pay dearly.  They are too numerous and mobile for us to consider attempting a breakout.  We would simply be swamped and massacred.  It is better, therefore, that we dig in for a defence, and hold our ground for as long as possible.  I would rather, however, that civilians were not here.  If I understand enemy tactics at all, they have no need to risk lives needlessly on such a numerically minor force as this Company.  They would be better to simply shell us with artillery.  However, one thing that must be said of the Tribals is that they rarely shirk from close-quarters battle.  I believe they see much honour in it.  Whichever they choose, I shall have the scouts keep a keen eye on their movements and preparations, and when the time grows near, I shall have to consider what to do about the locals.

17-12-YC121

Orders to pull back have been given.  The fighting here has been intense, but our morale is still high.  I have discussed the matter with Officers of other formations, and it has been agreed.  deSilvestris Household Naval Infantry shall act as a rearguard whilst other formations and unit retreat to the mountains.  It is likely, therefore, that we shall be cut off, but we shall place our Faith in God.  We have plenty of ammunition, and the enemy forces we have so far encountered appear to be less experienced or trained in urban warfare than we are.  We are also fortunate in still being in the good graces of the local populace.  A little kindness can truly go a long way.  However, I am wary that the Tribals may consider this humanity shown by the people to be, in their barbarian eyes, unforgivable collaboration, and I have no wish to place them in any more danger than would otherwise trouble them in a home that is under near-constant shelling.

I suppose the situation may look rather bleak to some, though I have heard no defeatist talk from the Company.  They talk only about how many Tribals they will each kill before we all return to Nakri for Yoiul.  I am honoured to lead such a brave and noble group of warriors.

15-12-YC121

To think it is but less than two weeks until Yoiul.  I fear I shall not be at home with my family this year.  Instead, I shall be here, on Floseswin, fighting on the ground, in the rubble-strewn streets.  I shall not be alone, of course, for I have the brave soldiers, the men and women of my family's Household Naval Infantry.  They may only be a Company, but they are brave and dedicated, and more than capable of facing the hardships of the most brutal arenas of this war.

I had the opportunity to go home, of course.  Aside from the traditional lottery that our Household forces always have when festivals fall in times of conflict, Officers with ties to the family always have the privilege of going home.  I have given the Right up for this year, however.  It did not feel proper to take it, though no-one would have complained, when we are here because Father gave the order as soon as Sasha was overdue on his regular contact.  Something must have happened, and that, combined with the simple fact that we have a duty to be here as Vassals of Lord Sarum, means that for most of us, grenades and mortars shall be our fireworks displays, flamethrowers shall be our Yoiul fires, and the mounds of dead Tribals shall be our presents.  I gave my place to Vitalyovich Ustinov, a young Matros.  His wife recently gave birth to a daughter.  It seems only right he should be with them.  I gave him a little silver chain as a present for his little one.

We, as a Company, have given presents to the civilian children remaining here, also.  Little things, such as sweet treats and what few rations we can spare - or scavenge.  It has made us a little more popular than I suspect would otherwise be the case, and with the adults too.  This is a good thing.  If we can show that we are here to protect, not harm, they may be more inclined to assist us, even if it just in small ways.  Already some of the braver, or more street-wise youngsters are proving to be the most observant and attentive helpers, reporting back on enemy movements and maneuvers that they become aware of.  I am sure some the older ones would be more than willing to assist us in more proactive ways.  After all, everyone trusts children, do they not?  Even Tribals.

I must try to get some time to send a message to Mama and Felix, and to Lilya too.  Poor thing, I know she shall worry so when she finds out I am here on the planet itself.  The orders were so sudden, I did not have time to let her know.  I brought the pistol she gave me, and I think of her everytime I look at it.  I shall use it to kill as many of the enemy as possible, to defend her and render her safe.

12-12-YC121

A second patrol, and more action this time, though no kills.  We attacked the Orbital Customs Office in Floseswin operated by those vile barbarians Ushra'Khan.  Even through the vacuum of space, the hull of my Punisher, and the shell of my pod, their stink made me retch.  Paladin Newelle led the attack, and all was going rather well until a pirate gang, no doubt in the pay of the Tribals, engaged us. Alas, we were not prepared for ship-to-ship combat, and the order to disengage was given quickly.  Unfortunately, the mercenaries caught Paladin Commander Newelle, and though My Lady gave a very good fight, she was eventually overcome.  There are times when I curse my training and discipline, for though I know always to follow orders, to leave My Lady on the battlefield does not sit well with my conscience, even though such things are routine for such as we, and it is not as if death has its permanency for capsuleers.  Perhaps it is the principle of the thing.

Following this, I assisted Chapter Master Lok'ri in securing strategic points in the system, in support of regular Amarr forces.  Such an honour to be alongside the Chapter Master.  I pray I gave a good account of myself.  The Chapter Master has also given me permission to investigate the activities of certain of our "allies".  I look forward to that task with relish.

Since the apparent revelation on the IGS, I have thought more about what was said.  Whilst I do not doubt that that Matari whore is indeed a spy and a corrupting influence, questions do arise in my mind.

Why has this alleged agency compromised her?  So far as I am aware, few people suspected her openly, and she has done nothing directly to draw suspicion to herself.  Why throw away an apparently good agent?  Indeed, even if she had in some compromised herself, to out ones own operatives seem very unusual.

What if, then, this agency is not, in fact, her employer?  That begs the question of who exactly they are, and the question of why becomes even more pertinent. What have they to gain from exposing her?  How, indeed, did they even know? 

There is more here than meets the eye.  If an unknown agency somehow has access to information as sensitive to clandestine operatives and operations, there could be serious implications to others, including the Empire.  What other secrets do they know or could they uncover?

I shall speak to Papa about this.  I think it is perhaps something we could turn our skills to.

10-12-YC121

My first warzone patrol in quite some time, and a somewhat successful one.  True, a simple escape pod does not, alas, really count as a kill, and unfortunately I was just a moment too slow to destroy the enemy's Burst - the laughably poor Tribal excuse for a Logistics Frigate - yet it was undeniably exhilirating to execute one of them.  I pray that I get further opportunities to inflict Divine Retribution of the Enemies of God.

I was ably assisted by another Crusade member, by the callsign of Vmey or some such.  I assumed that he had the honour of the actual kill of the Tribal vessel, but when I requested sight of the official combat logs, it appears that was not the case.  The pod loss was listed, but not the ship.  I can only assume that the coward self-destructed or perhaps even ejected, as it does not appear on any kill report.  How strange.  I shall look out for him again - I feel rather cheated, and I simply cannot tolerate that!

Yes, it feels right and proper to be here, to be playing my part in the Service of God and The Eternal Empress.

09-12-YC121

We have told Ishta the truth.  It seems only right that she knows the reason God brought her to the attention of this family.  It is, admittedly, much for her to take in, for never could she have imagined such a destiny for herself - a destiny irrevocably intertwined with that of this family.  She will return to Lord Pitoojee knowing so much more of herself, and when we next see her, I think that she will be quite changed.

It was, of course, a family decision between Papa, Mama, myself, Felix, and Father Mikhail.  We were all in agreement it was the correct course of action.  We could not deny all the signs any longer.  What other reason could there ever be for the strength of the relationship between my brother and her, and my family's complete acceptance of it.  Even I have accepted it.  It is clear.  Ishta is, without any doubt, one the Beacons of God.  She will learn to embrace it, in time.  Others have, over the centuries, the millenia, and many have found it difficult.

Sasha, of course, we have not told.  Even if we thought it the right time for my brother to know, which we do not, we cannot reach him when he is on Operations.  Fortunately, Ishta has requested that we do not tell him.  Father Mikhail and I are only too happy to agree.  The time will come, perhaps, when he has returned.

I, also, must leave soon for the warzone.  The struggle will be hard, and with the tide of war turned against us, for now, Victory will not be swift in coming.  So even my small efforts are needed there, and I know since my Pilgrimage I must give more.  I left a note for Lilya after I last saw her.  I hope she does not mind my silently slipping away, but I feel it best.  I shall keep her in my heart, knowing that she is one of the most precious things I fight to protect.

May God be with us all.

6-12-YC121

I have been passed my final examination papers for the promotion to Paladin.  Lord Lok'ri assures me I may take my time, seek the advice and wisdom of more senior members of PIE, and that there is no one correct answer to any given question.  There are, however, incorrect answers, and whilst I am quite confident I shall be able to avoid that pitfall, I am still quite nervous.  I know I have so much to prove, to my commanders, my family, God, Her, and of course, to myself.  I cannot deny, also, less honourable motives behind my drive to succeed in this endeavour - ever since that Matari whore was revealed for what she truly is, I want to show Constantin what he threw away.  I want him to regret.

Is that cruel upon Lilya?  I feel so wicked for thinking in such a way, especially when she is so dear and sweet to me, despite our recent disagreement.  I told her about the examination, and she was nothing but supportive.  Yet when I tried to tell of my worries of the sickness within LUMEN'S midst, she seemed like all the others - dismissing my concerns as petty jealousy.  All of LUMEN seem alarmingly dismissive, uncaring even.  They have taken no steps to remove the disease, and I wonder - has the rot permeated so far into them that it is too late?  The only two members I truly trust are Lilya and Ishta.  I wish there was some way I could be sure of keeping them both safe from that corrupting influence.

Did that poisonous creature bring the illness that wracks them, or did she merely exacerbate something that was already there?  The fact that, as a group, they appear to have some sort of moral disquietude towards the Sarum Family's Sacred Duty is concerning enough, but I also hear rumours of them undertaking missions alongside actual Enemies of the Empire!  Lord Pitoojee has withdrawn Ishta's contract - a foolish and short-sighted move - because he apparently does not approve her taking part in Operations that support the Reclaiming.   I find it hard to believe that the Tribal witch would be able to influence such a one as Lord Pitoojee, and yet a fact is a fact - he has withdrawn Ishta.  Is that that bitch's influence, or was he already bound to waver in his service to God and the Empire?  Such a pity we cannot devise a way to bring Ishta into our family, especially given how special she is.  Perhaps I should speak more with Papa about the matter.

One thing I cannot do, however, is tell Sasha about what I and Father Mikhail have realised about Ishta.  We shall, eventually, but not now.  He has too much to concentrate on, and I think he still needs time to recover from the unwitting blow Lord Pitoojee has dealt him.

Or was it all that unwitting?

I feel another headache coming on.  I showed Lilya my cuts, I do not know why.  Perhaps, after our argument, I felt as though I should try to explain some things.  I do not know if I was successful.  I know I spoke, but I am not at all sure of what I said.  The thoughts are all confused in my mind - mixed with the anger and rage, it is so difficult to make sense of myself at times.  I think I should return to the warzone as soon as possible, for at least then I shall have focus.  I shall miss Lilya so.

 4-12-YC121

Praise God and the Eternal Empress!  The sweet, precious taste of Vindication.

They said I was just jealous, just petty, an angry, hurt, jilted lover, spiteful for being cast aside without a second thought.  Yet I knew.  I knew!  The truth is out, posted onto the IGS for all to see, and now everyone can witness what I already knew.

The Matari whore is a spy.  Tasked with twisting and manipulating the thoughts and minds of Tribals and Amarr alike, to corrupt their morals and accept the unacceptable.

I have never had such a feeling before.  I cannot even begin to describe the sheer JOY!  Her handlers have openly admitted not only the mission, but also its sheer and utter failure.  She thought she was so clever, so careful, so believable.  It failed because of me!  If I had accepted their relationship, I am sure others would have too, and no-one would be any the wiser.  Yet it made no sense.  Reject me? For her?  No-one with even the slightest degree of sense believed that, especially as he barely even gave the flimsiest of reasons.

I must admit, of course, that Elsebeth Rhiannon also saw her for what she was.  Rhiannon may be a sworn enemy, but I have a respect for her.  She is intelligent and insightful.  Such a pity she is not on our side.

A clever mission.  I almost wish I had thought of it first.  They picked the perfect target, of course.  Easily turned, willing to see the good in everyone, not a shred of healthy, natural suspicion.  I almost feel sorry for him.  A part of me hopes that her punishment for failure is of the harshest kind, but I do also have some concern for poor Constantin.  It is unlikely that his mistake will be dismissed as unthinking foolishness, and his punishment may also be severe.  He may be better to remain with the Tribals.

A thought occurs to me.  What if he was not the victim of a plot?  What if he was a co-conspirator?  That may explain some things.  What if some of the things he said to me was a part of it, him trying to corrupt me?  I think that perhaps this ought to be investigated further.  Things are not over yet.

For now, however, I intend to celebrate!  It is not every day my heart is filled with such a sense of happiness.

Oh, Vindication, you taste so very sweet indeed! Thank you, My Eternal Empress, for this gift. Thank you so very much.

30-11-YC121

What in the name of The Eternal Empress is wrong with me?  I felt so confident and sure when I returned from my Pilgrimage, but it seem to have evaporated.  I was so happy to see Lilya again, but that too I find a struggle.  Not that I am unhappy with her, but rather I struggle to keep the positive feelings of joy and love in my heart.

I hate the IGS forums, I do not know why I ever look at them.  Perhaps it was the design of God, for such things are not for me to understand, but I stumbled across some pathetic post by that Matari bitch, some vomit-inducing bile about Love.  Of course she was talking about him, and of course he responded with his usual sugar-syrup words.  The Harlot and the Traitor.  They deserve each other. I found myself agreeing with Elsebeth Rhiannon that this bullshit about Love is merely some poor and transparent justification for her whoring herself to someone who, if there was any honour in his soul, would be her enemy.

It was then that I felt it, deep inside me.  That Unclean Force, that Darkness, that hatred, uncurling in my heart and soul.  Yet I cannot truly accept that it is an altogether negative emotion.  It has power, real power.  I just need to learn to focus it, properly.  Yes, cutting, seeing my blood flow, helps release it, but there must be a better way.  I feel I can use it.  It is a gift, not a curse.  It is the same as the power I felt after She visited me, the gift She gave me to help me find escape from my captors.

Focus it what I need.  I think a visit to the exercise grounds would be a very good idea.

Papa has also placed me within the Command Structure of the 601st, as Captain.  Since Her Imperial Majesty's decree, they have been transferred to our family's Household Forces, rather than remaining within the Imperial Navy.  It is, in all honesty, a more natural position for them; after all, it was Papa that founded the Unit, and in reality the have more allegiance and loyalty to our family than to the Navy.  It is such a pity, however, that Lord Pitoojee has decided to end Ishta's secondment.  Sasha has not taken it well, although there is no reason why they cannot see one another, unless, of course, Lord Pitoojee forbids that also.  I do not know the reasons behind Lord Pitoojee's decision, though I understand he, and LUMEN, have some disagreements over Sarum's relaunching of the Reclaiming.  Not that they have any right to question the decisions and prerogatives of one such as Lord Sarum!  They have ideas above their station, and I cannot help but wonder if that is yet another sign of the poison being spread by that Harlot.  They is no doubt in my mind that she is the Enemy Within.  I think perhaps I should speak with one of the Paladin Commanders about my concerns.  We are not without our defences, for if the enemy have a spy in our camp, we can have one in theirs.

20-11-YC121

Today I visited the final Holy Station on my Pilgrimage - the wreckage of EF Seraph.  Though broken and burned, lying off the Navy Assembly Plant, it is still a glorious sight.  Glorious, yet heartbreaking, for here it was that Jamyl Sarum was attacked, murdered, by the hateful, twisted Drifters.

My first emotion was shock.  I have never dared come here before, I did not think I would have the strength.  Fear, also; I could feel my pulse quicken, Dido reacting to my emotions, and had I not been in my pod, I am sure I would have felt a cold perspiration.  Yet, as I drew closer, I grew calmer, more peaceful.  I felt myself filled with a strength of Faith, a surety in Her never-ending Divinty, that kept me on course.

It was the same feeling I had all those years ago, when She came to me in my Darkest Time, when She imbued me with the power and will, the physical and emotional fortitude I required to escape my captors.  Only later did I find out that I had my vision of Her at the same moment that the terrible events were occuring if Safizon.  Did She come to me?  Did She reach across the void to touch me, to save me?  I do not know, but I believe that She did.

I have never spoken of this to anyone, nor shall I, but I knew, deep down, I would come here, eventually.  To pay my respects, to reach out to Her Holy Spirit.  If only I could have stepped outside Dido, physically reached out to touch the golden hull of The Eternal Empress' ship!  Physically, no; but spiritually?  Yes, I felt Her here, and with that I feel more confident, more certain, more hopeful than ever before. 

For that is what She is - Hope.

I shall return home tomorrow, then to Nafrivik.  I will be heartwarming to see Lilya again, for I have missed her.  Yet there shall be so many things to do.  For tonight, however, I shall spend the night in prayer to Her, The Eternal Empress, Immortal and Divine.

I shall give my all, my everything, to the Empire, to God, to Her.

19-11-YC121

I spent an extra day in Arx Adolis, in prayer to the memory of the fallen, and thanks to God and The Eternal Empress for our Victory there.  Afterwards, I had Dido cleaned and blessed again, and undertook my own ritual ablutions, for the next, and penultimate, Holy Station on my Pilgrimage was the Imperial Honour Guard in Amarr Prime, still in formation since the the day of the Coronation of Empress Catiz I.

Of the sight of individual ships, or even large fleets, I am more than used to, being the daughter of a Naval Officer, yet the site of the Imperial Honour Guard took my breath away.  Truly, they have restored their honour.  It is such a beauteous thing to behold, that I can scarcely find words to appropriately describe it.  The massed power of the fleet, in their glittering gold livery evokes nothing short of a sense of the sublime.  It is a fitting escort for Her Imperial Majesty, Empress of Holy Amarr, floating high above Oris as the planet shines like a radiant jewel in a Heavenly Crown.  I also felt a sense of security and stability, and there is no doubt in my mind that with such a strong and disciplined Navy, Amarr, in truth, shall weather any storm, no matter how dark and threatening the skies may be, now or in the future.

First and foremost, the words of my vow upon Her Imperial Majesty's Coronation came to my mind.  I gave that vow willingly and faithfully, and I shall uphold it, to the exclusion of all else, until God decrees that I should be no more.  I wish that others who had taken that vow held it in the same supreme regard, above every other concern they may have.  I suppose, of course, there shall always be those who are false, or who waver in the face of commitment to true devotion and loyalty.  They shall be found out, of course, and cast out with all the other betrayers and treacherous Enemies of Amarr.

I have but one final Holy Station to visit.  This one, I know, shall be the most moving and emotional, but God is with me, and I shall have the strength I need to meet the most personal of moments.

17-11-YC121

They say Pride cometh before a fall, but I cannot help but be proud as I write this in my quarters on Arx Adolis.  It was here, in Thebeka, that I undertook my first real action with PIE during the operations there.  Papa, too, was proud when he saw the medal I was awarded for my service, The Order of Thebeka.  Yet it is not just myself of which I am proud;  I am proud of what we achieved, given the difficulties we faced, the odds against us.  Not only the horrors of the Heretics' use of Deathglow, quite possibly the most vile weapon ever devised by a twisted mind, but also the active collusion of the Tribals in arming the rebellion.  Even supposedly State-loyal groups supported our enemies.  As usual, the Tribals hid behind their lies of undertaking humanitarian missions!  As if those barbarians understand anything about humanitarianism.  They murder women and children in cold blood, or at the very least give weapons to people induced to a psychotic mania and let them do it.  It is disgusting, and they should be punished for their crimes.

Ah, but all that is behind us.  The rebellions are quelled, peace restored, through the brave and noble actions of PIE and our allies, not to mention other Imperial forces involved in the fighting, such as Sasha and his unit.  I think I shall spend some time here in prayer, giving thanks to God for the strength found in standing with The Faithful.

16-11-YC121

If Fort Kumar is an example of the rewards those who serve our Motherland may expect, then Arzad II is an example of the punishments that must befall those who betray her.  My journey there was not so hazardous as I expected, though I have no doubt taking the proper precautions was a wise choice as always.

I must admit I find it difficult to even imagine the mind of anyone who would take up arms against us in rebellion, though it is a sad reality that many of the lower orders, and, more horrifingly, even some of the higher, do not seem to appreciate the fortunate life they have been given in serving God.  There are many who think that the annihilation of the Starkmanir was too much, but God is Wrathful as well as Merciful, and we, as God's Chosen, must be so too.  It cannot have been an easy decision for Idonis Ardishapur to have taken, but what choice could he have had?  Any child would avenge the murder of their father, Honour demands it, but when one's father is a Royal Heir!  It was not only for the Honour of the Ardishapur Family, but for the Empire as a whole.

An example was set, as was only right and proper.  Those who choose to ignore it are fools, and they shall join the Starkmanir in their fate.

Later

From enemies to allies.  I have docked in the CVA refinery in Misaba, and been made most welcome by the hangar crew.  I shall spend some time refreshing myself and offering prayers before continuing on.

It is strange to be out here again after so very long.  Once upon a time, in a different life, I belonged to a group that was part of CVA.  I wonder what became of them and the friends I made there.  I could never have foreseen the path my life would take, but at least I can find such comfort in the constancy of allies such as these.  I only with other supposed allies were as trsutworthy and dependable.

I wonder if I shall ever find myself in this part of the cluster again.  Such exciting times I had.

I think I shall rest here awhile before moving onward to Thebeka.

15-11-YC121

Fort Kumar in Kenobanala is a sight to behold!  It is, at one and the same time, majestic and forbidding, projecting its military might far beyond its immediate vicinity.  I do not exaggerate when I saw I was awed by it.  I was even given the honour of permission to dock, which must be rarely extended to anyone not immediately connected with the Fortress, and never to anyone not militarily connected to the Empire.  I can only assume that it was granted because of my being a Praetorian, though I suppose it is possible my family name had some little influence, if the Commander knows my father.  Whatever the reason, it was a welcome show of hospitality to a humble pilgrim.

I spent some time there, and was given a small tour of the Kameira traning facilities, and even a chance to spar a little, which was most exhilarating.  Ishta, I think, would be very appreciative of some time here, and this place made me think of her.  Like Ishta, the Kameiras have been granted Ammatar citizenship.  They show such bravery and loyalty to our Empire, and such devotion to God, it is only right that they be duly rewarded.  It gives me hope that others may be so elevated, that they shall come to see the Light, and the Beauty that comes with having one's eyes opened to the Glory of God and the Righteousness of Amarr's Destiny.

I have now docked in the Crusade station in Mehatoor, to prepare for what is most likely the most dangerous and risk-filled stage of my Pilgrimage - Arzad.  Yet I have no fear or anxiety.  The further I progress, the closer I am to God, and I shall be rendered safe by such proximity to the Divine.  I have Faith too, that She, the Eternal Empress, guards and guides me.

14-11-YC121

I write this in Arx Exubitoris, PIE's Citadel in Dresi.  I would never have dared imagine that I would ever be allowed in this place.  It is a magnificant bastion, testament to PIE's proud history and noble purpose, a history and purpose I now have the pleasure to share in.

Once I have made my daily prayers, I shall make some use of the superb training facilities here, as it is only right I should hone my hand-to-hand skills.  Also, if I have time, I shall visit Dresi III, the small planetoid whereupon is Dam-Argat, with it's awe-inspring Cathedral, dedicated to Zakara the Martyr.

I hope Lilya is alright without me.  I know she shall be missing me terribly, and I have not spoken to her since I began this Pilgrimage, nor will I until I have completed it.  I know it was not necessarily, and certainly not a condition imposed by the Paladin-Commanders, but I feel that during this Holy Journey, I should, inasmuch as I am able, avoid contact with anyone I do not immediately encounter, and only then if it serves a part of my Progression.

I feel at peace in this place, secure.  My quarters are comfortable, and I am sure I shall rest well.  Perhaps if I rest earlier, I shall have more time for a visit to Dam-Argat. I would so dearly love to see it.  I am told it stands surrounded by ice plains, which would also be a new and exciting experience for me.  Ice plains are not something one sees very much of growing up on a station.

13-11-YC121

As I knew I would, I had nightmares, and did not sleep well.  I do not recall my dreams clearly, only shadowy figures and half-heard, unsettling noises.  Perhaps there is something unpleasant at work, an Unclean Force, or perhaps it is my own inner Darkness uncoiling again.  I shall not be dissuaded from my Pilrimage, neither by man nor by daemon.

I left the Ministry of War station and visited the nearby Memorial in Andrub first.  The Drifters had long gone, continuing whatever mysterious business they had.  I offered my prayers to the Martyrs again, my thoughts drawn to their sacrifice, defending our home against unwarranted Tribal aggresson.  I am reminded that there is always, always more that I can give.

I then travelled to the Memorial in Nishah, once again praying to the Souls of the Martyrs, entreating that they should look well upon my future endeavours, that they shall lend me their strength and fortitude in my times of need.

 The final Memorial, to the innocent victims of brutal Tribal terrorism, is in Pashanai.  My route took my through the State, and despite the solemnity of my journey, I could not help but think, briefly, of Commander Adams.  I am sure he would have some flippant comment on my Pilgrimage.  How different things might have been, but that is the past, and I cannot think on it.  My route also took my briefly through the Federation.  Of course their laughably impotent Navy made some vague empty threats at my presence, but Dido is more than capable of outrunning anything they have.

I reached the Memorial in Pashanai to find more Drifter Battleships there.  Perhaps they were the same ones from Andrub, but it is irrelevant.  I ignored them and prayed for the Souls of the Fallen Innocent, at Peace now in the Presence of God.  In some ways the wounds are healed, or at least physical damage is repaired, but Justice is still to be done.  So long as one enemy remains alive to threaten our Empire, we cannot rest.  All must be brought before the Judgement of God.  On that day, we, the Truly Faithful, shall rejoice.

12-11-YC121

I have visited the Battlesite in Kor-Azor Prime.  As in Sarum Prime, one can feel the Power of God here.  It lifts my spirits to see the wreckage, smashed and torn asunder, of our enemies, and I realise that none can stand against us.  No matter how dark circumstances may seem, no matter how dire the situation may become, Amarr shall prevail.  This is as true now, with even more opponents ranged against us, as it was during the Elder War.

Our Victory did not come without sacrifice, of course.  No victory can.  Many brave Believers gave their lives in the name of God, in the name of the Empire.  They are at peace with God now, for no truer nor more deserved Fate can their be for the Faithful.  They shall be remembered for Eternity, Honoured above all.  I know that any humble effort I can make shall pale into insignificance before the Glory of the Fallen, but if I must fall, I pray that it shall be in battle, for God and for The Empire, in emulation of the Heroes of the our Beloved Motherland.

As I floated silently above the Memorial near the planet Eclipticum, I prayed to and for the Souls of the Martyrs.  I shall hold the memory of their deaths in my heart, and draw from it the strength I need to fulfill my duties.

The strange Autothysian Drones of the Drifters were taking an interest in the Memorial around the Emperor Family station in Ami when I arrived.  As is their norm, they showed no desire to interfere as I offered my prayers here also.  Yet I found their presence an uncomfortable reminder of the Dark Forces we face.  I was glad to be so reassured by the feelings of Peace filling my spirit as I prayed.

I have chosen to rest in the Ministry of War Bureau above Andrub II-1.  There is another Memorial here, which I shall visit when I awaken.  Two Drifter Battleships were patrolling near the station when I arrive.  I do not feel fear when I see them, just hate for what they did.  I shall offer another prayer to the Martyrs before I sleep.  Perhaps they can armour me against the nightmares I can feel picking at the edge of my mind.

11-11-YC121

I have begun my Pilgrimage in Sarum Prime.  It seems the most fitting starting point, given my familial ties to this system and the Sarum Family.  In this system is, of course, a site connected to the Elder War, when the Tribals attempted to inflict untold devestation upon us.

That they even had the audacity to strike at CONCORD, to ignore the established Law of New Eden, speaks volumes of their utter disregard for anything approaching decency or honour.  That they built their ramshackle fleets in secret, with appropriated funds meant for their own people shows that these so-called Elders are nothing but charlatans and thieves, happy to send entranced fools to their deaths in order to further their own twisted, selfish ends.  Elements of the Republic Fleet even defied their own government and mutined to join the invasion.  We must also never forget the Tribals vile use of chemical weapons against innocent civilians.

Surely, against such weapons and such treachery, we would have fared much worse had it not been for the intervention of God.  Deliverence came in the form of Heaven's Champion!  Her!  The Eternal Empress.  Jamyl Sarum.  She saved our Beloved Empire, our Motherland, as surely as she saved my own unworthy soul from the torments of Angels.  She saved us because we had Faith, because we Believed, because we are God's Chosen.

Of course, Our Saviour could have taken the offensive into the Tribal's home.  She could have wiped them out in Holy Retribution for their cowardly acts.  Yet, in Her infinite Mercy, She did not.  Empress Jamyl respected the Rule of Law and the office of CONCORD, and stayed Her hand.  The Tribals should be grateful, but they have never begged for forgiveness for their trangressions as they should have done.

The enemy may have been chased back into the shadows, to skulk in the dark, benighted corners of New Eden, but if we are not vigilant, they will return, seeking unholy vengeance as creatures of that ilk do.  We must remember the example of Empress Jamyl.  We must not lose our Faith or forget our Covenant with God.  We must bring all to the Light, one way or another.

As I sat at the Mekhios Graveyard, I could feel Her Divince Power.  It felt much as it did when She came to me in my Darkest Hour, though far more potent than even then.  I feel a sense of purpose, of direction.  I know that with Faith in God and The Eternal Empress in my heart, I can fulfill my Destiny.

10-11-YC121

I have been with PIE for exactly one year.  It has been a most eventful year, and many things have happened that I would not, could not, have dreamed of.  Not all have been good and well, of course, but I feel I am growing stronger for them.

It seems most apt that on this anniversary I shall begin my Pilgrimage, the next stage of my spiritual growth.  I would never have believed I would be here.

My God and The Eternal Empress Bless me, my Family, and all those I love.

09-11-YC121

In a short amount of time I shall begin my Pilgrimage, my journey to the most holy and significant sites of our Beloved Motherland.  I have made all necessary preparations; a new clone, with no implants, so that I am as physically pure as I can be; sacred ablutions, prayers, and ritual blessings to make me so spiritually.  Once I have written this small entry, I shall join Father Mikhail as he blesses Dido, so that even the vessel that shall carry me on my travels is righteous in the Sight of God.  I have not completely finalised the itinerary, indeed, I am tempted to let God guide my direction, but I have some time to think more on it, whilst my hangar-crew make the final preparations for departure.

This Pilgrimage is so much more than a requirement to be elevated to Paladin, it is is necessity for myself.  With every place I visit I shall move closer and closer to God, and as I do so I shall reflect upon what it means to be one of God's Chosen People. I shall focus my mind upon my Holy Duties: to bring The Light to New Eden, and to destroy the Darkness.  Yet it is not only the Darkness in the Universe I must face, the multitudinous enemies that besiege Our Divine Empire, it is also the Darkness within.  For it is still there, quieted perhaps, but no less present.

I shall miss Lilya, but this journey I must make alone.  She will understand, I know.  She shall be within my mind and my heart as I travel, and God shall see this.  I have such questions regarding her, regarding my feelings for her.  I know I shall find answers.

Ishta has been given a task to undertake in my absence.  I cannot know if she will meet with success, but if anyone can, it is her.  She, also, shall be in my prayers to God during my journey.  I sense that her fate is bound closely with that of my family.  I should never have believe it but a few months ago, but I find myself wishing that the name deSilvestris was on her papers, rather than Pitoojee.  That, as with all else, is in God's Hands.

I shall think of Sirna, also.  How could I not?

May God, and The Eternal Empress, Bless and Guide my Journey.

30-10-YC121

As detestable as many of Nauplius'  actions are, certain of his words I find undeniable.  There is quite clear something dishearteningly corrupt within our Beloved Empire.  By all accounts our efforts within the warzone to bring God's Light to the heathens do not proceed as well as one would wish, for many of the supposed Subject of Her Imperial Majesty would rather bicker and squabble amongst themselves rather than focus their energies on defeating the Tribals, who in their turn seem all too able to work in some sort of functioning joint organisation.  Neither does it help our cause that those who once would have seemed our closest allies apparently refuse to fight altogether.  I cannot admit to having an surprise at that, of course.  Whatever vile witchcraft their so-called diplomat has wrought has spread the poison of cowardly pacifism almost throughout the entirety of their organisation.

All this does, of course, is prove that we, the Truly Loyal Amarr, are indeed God's Chosen!  For why else would so many stand against us, attempt to thwart our undeniable Destiny?  Is it not so that throughout history the People of God have been vilified, reviled, attacked, and cursed by those who are not Chosen, by the Outcasts, by the fawning followers of the Deceiver?  We know our Cause is Righteous, we shall weather all of these storms, and God shall grant us the Ultimate Victory.

So must it be that where conventional warfare will not bring us Victory, we must turn to conflict of an unconventional nature.  The first stage of Operation Afterlight has been a success, at least insofar as putting into place the necessary contingencies.  I would like to extend it, perhaps into those sections of the warzone where we currently hold control.  Let the Tribals come then, and see what awaits them unseen in the shadows.  Those animals speak of vengeance, of visiting blood and fire upon Innocent Believers.  They shall come to know what true Vengeance is.

Similarly, the first action of Blackout was a success, and the Assets acquired, whilst small, shall undoubtedly be of help to the war-effort of our Motherland.  At the very least, it damages the efforts of our enemy by denying them those very same assets.  However, the nature of the conflict has changed surprisingly rapidly due to the difficulties presented by malingerers and traitors within that the nature of Blackout itself should perhaps change also.  Rather than Asset Acquisition, we should consider Asset Denial.  Certainly the 601st has the skills, as do the other Forces of Special Purpose. Spetsialnovo Naznacheniya!  Such a much more beautiful sound to it in our native Nakri tongue.  Yet this cannot be our only weapon in the fight.  Ships, lasers, missiles, ground forces.  All of these are very well and good, but there is another front that seems so often over-looked.  The Tribals in their foolish, undeveloped minds think they have the moral high-ground, that they win the battleground of people's thoughts and opinions as much as they win, through sheer luck, in the conflicts fought on- and off-world.  This is something that most assuredly needs to change, yet ignorance and delusion lie across the whole of New Eden like a choking fog.  The unthinking denizens of the Republic and the Federation, and even those in neutral and lawless territories soak up the propaganda and lies of the Tribals as though it were some nourishing gruel thrown to them by their betters.

Perhaps they need some additives to their diets.  This is the key, I think.  They should not simply feed on Information, they should feast on Misinformation, gorge on Disinformation.

Dezinformatsiya!  Is every word more beautiful in Nakri?

20-10-YC121

LUMEN recently undertook an Operation against one of Nauplius' stations.  Lilya has some prisoners from it, which may very well lead to some valuable Intelligence.  Papa would be most impressed, I think, and Lilya would, with the right training, make a quite effective Intelligence Officer, I believe.  She observes far more than she realises, and needs only to be taught to recognised the value of what she observes.

What is rather concerning, however, is that Nauplius apparently had some support from Blood Raider heretics.  Indeed, some of the prisoners Lilya has here on Dawn Star are from that twisted cult.  I understood Nauplius to have had unpleasant past associations, of course, but had, perhaps rather naïvely, hoped he had since given them up.  It sabotages my own plans somewhat if this is not the case.  However, we shall see.

I have had some very encouraging news from Paladin Commander Xideinis.  I petitioned the good Paladin-Commander to allow me to undertake the Pilgrimage required for advancement within the Praetorians, and he has, in his kind generosity, given me permission to do so.  I am permitted to begin whenever I feel ready, but I do not intend to leave it too soon lest events within the Empire overtake me and my duties lead me to have no time.  The Pilgrimage involves visiting a number of sites sacred and important to our Beloved Empire, and in so doing reaching closer both to God and the Spirit of our Divine Motherland.  I can feel myself uplifted already with just merest thought of being humbled and awed by being in such proximity to the most Beautiful and Revered places in Amarr.

I spoke to Lilya of it, and she was as excited as I, even asking if she would be able to accompany me.  A part of me would dearly love that, though I must ask the Paladin-Commander if such a thing is permitted to a non-Praetorian (oh, how I am beginning to wish Lilya would leave LUMEN and come to us), and yet another part of me wishes to do it alone.  Having Lilya with me could bring something even more beautiful to the experience, yet I fear it may also distract me from the solemnity of the occassion, for how could one be solemn with such dear love so close by?  My whole focus must be on the Spirituality of the Pilgrimage, and I know I am quite weak in the presence of Dear, Sweet Lilya.  I think, also, that an undertake of such importance and magnitude shall perhaps change me, undoubtedly for the better, and I would like for Lilya to see the difference when I return, for it may happen in so subtle a way, as the Power of God oft-times does, that if she were to be there as it happens, she may not really notice it at all.

I also feel that it shall give me time to think on her proposal.

30-09-YC121

It seems that not even our own celebrations are safe havens for me now, although I suppose it is only natural we should invite our allies along to a celebration of Her Imperial Majesty's Jubilee.  It seems that some of the Admirals - Paladin-Commanders they are titled now - share my own suspicions over some of those allies, which is reassuring, though it was, as always, nevertheless painful to see the Archbishop and his painted whore dancing about as though they we the centre of attention.  Such bare-faced arrogance from them.  It also appeared that she had made some sort of reconciliation with Ms Phyre, so I am unlikely to find any support there.

It all makes me rather miss Commander Adams when he is not around.  Boorish as his manners can be, he does rather make me smile despite myself.

The situation was not helped by the fact that there was still some tension between Lilya and I.  In the end, finding a quiet moment and a secluded spot, I simply confessed my thoughts and feelings, my fears and worries, though now it seems all a muddle in my mind, as it often does when my emotions get the better of me.  We left the party and went home together.  I think perhaps now we have been truthful with one another, things shall be better between us.

Ishta looked delightful in the dress Mama had given her.  I know she would deny it, of course, but she looked quite the natural.  Indeed, after Lilya, Ishta was the most beautiful woman there.  Poor Sasha, missing such a sight.  How sorrowful it is that our duties must forever obstruct our enjoyment.

Writing of duties, there shall be some changes for all of us following Her Imperial Majesty's Decree of Pax e Kilizhi Do.  It must be a a great concern to Lord and Lady Newelle that Aridia now comes firmly under the auspices of the Khanid, given the disagreement they have had with Sa-Baron Chakaid.  I have no doubt, of course, they are making some contingency plans.  For Sarum, however, the allocation of The Bleak Lands to the new Sarum Military Circuit will, I expect, mean I, and perhaps my whole family, shall be more focused in that Region.  I should not be displeased if it does, for this strange ennui that seems to have overcome me desperately needs dispelling through some sort of action.  I can barely summon the motivation to write this diary.  I cannot even begin to fathom what it is that troubles me so, and drains my energy.  I can only hope it passes soon, or else I fear I shall not be able to bear it for long.  Listlessness and boredom has never brought me any good.

29-09-YC121

I do not normally prepare Esfand so strongly, but I most certainly needed it after returning from yet another of LUMEN's balls.  I should really avoid those particular gatherings, they seem to bring nothing but upset and troubles.  Indeed, I only attended because Lilya wanted me to be there, though I suspect that now we have had our first arguement, she may be regretting having her wishes granted.

Oh, Lilya, how can you be such a foolish girl?  To take a medication found in a wreck!  It may well have alleviated her anxiety about the ball, but she does not seem to realise it could have killed her.  Criminals transport all sorts of poisons, and what heartache it would have caused if it had proven to be her end!  I wish we had not argued, but when she told me what she had done I was overcome with anger at her unthinking naïveté, and panic at what could have been.  Yet it has made me think - have I once again fallen too quickly?  Am I really ready for this relationship, for any relationship?  I feel so strongly for her, and yet seeing Constantin made me realise that I still harbour feelings for him too.

One of those feelings, however, I most assuredly anger, and perhaps something stronger.  To see him dancing with his Matari whore the way the danced with me!  It was all I could do to not cause a scene.  I most certainly did not require Paladin Kley watching over me like some sort of hawkish schoolmistress.  How dare she speak to me like a child!  They all think I am an idiot, some simpleton backwater girl.  I see far more than they realise.  I saw clearly enough that Melisma had some sort of altercation with Sah, and even threw a drink in her face.  That she would do such a thing to a pregnant woman simply shows her utter lack of breeding, or what passes for breeding amongst the Tribals.  I wonder if Constantin will cast her aside for her actions, as he did for mine - which were far less aggressive, I might add.  Certainly when she left hurriedly, covered in shame and with her tail tucked between her legs, the good Archbishop quickly turned his attentions to another.  A most interesting choice of attentions too, I might add - a member of the enemy militia! His womanising is worse even than Commander Adams - who was there, incidentially, sniffing around the vulnerable young women as he usually does.  I also wonder if Directrix Aspenstar will issue more ridiculous sanctions against him as she did when I protect my own Honour - not that the Matari has any, and not that Constantin has the spine to do it himself.

Perhaps the Barraca family's loyalties are more open to question than Constantin would have us all believe?  At least I may be able to find some common ground with Sah, as she surely will not let that insult from a so-called diplomat slip away without proper redress.  One should hope that LUMEN is not entirely riddled with enemy sympathisers.  We shall soon find out no doubt.

I apparently was not the only one to have had a disagreeable evening.  Before our falling out, Lilya informed me that Aldrith had assaulted Diana Kim.  She was not aware of the reasoning, but I am quite confident that Aldrith would not have done such a thing without proper cause and provocation.  A pity, I rather liked Diana, at least for her unswerving dedication to the State.  Alas, the enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend.  Aldrith left soon after, unfortunately, just before I arrived, though Lady Newelle was still present, and even spoke to me.  She quite clearly noticed Lilya's displays of affection toward me, though she made no comment.  Not that Lady Newelle would, of course; she is far too well-bred to act in the same manner as all the Commoners.

Our own celebration for the Empress' Jubilee starts very soon, though in all truthfulness I have no real desire to go.  It will not be so open to all as LUMEN's social efforts are, of course, but Lilya will be there, because I asked her to go, and I am not sure after our parting that I am of a mind or heart to see her so soon.  Yet my presence is no doubt expected, and questions may be asked if I do not attend.   I have no desire to have Lady Newelle's chaindog Arline breathing down my neck and prying into my private affairs.  I suppose I had better present myself accordingly.  Perhaps I shall be fortunate enough to find excuse to leave early.

One or two drinks for fortification prior to leaving here would no doubt help.

14-09-YC121

Another stupid loss.  More proof of my own useless arrogance.  I thought a simple data site would be an easy task for me, but it seems I cannot even do the very tasks I trained at the Academy to do.  Admittedly, I have not seen Sansha cruisers at a site before, especally four of them, but I should have fled as soon as they appeared on my tactical display, not pushed my non-existent luck trying to retrieve a few items, giving them time to lock and warp scramble me.  To lose Tesipyle, my Anathema, to such an idiotic, amateur mistake!  How can I ever be any sort of assest to PIE, or even to the Empire, when I cannot even think clearly enough to perform such a basic duty?  They shall be ashamed of me when I report it, as I must do.  Why anyone would want me present in fleet operations, I do not know.  Why anyone would want me at all, I do not know.

I will have a glass of Esfand to calm my nerves.  A shame it cannot erase memories.

01-09-YC121

Between the Triglavians invading Nakri, my various duties, and the delightful distractions of Lilya, I have neglected this journal.  Not, of course, that anyone but myself shall ever read these words, but the writing helps my focus.

I have also neglected Ioannis.  I feel quite guilty for the unspoken message I gave him, a message that I cannot say was unintentional at the time.  Yet I was not expecting for Lilya and I to become lovers.  Perhaps Ioannis was genuine, but I have learned of his reputation, and I have no desire to be used by another selfish man, of being humiliated as the Archbishop did.

Ioannis sent the most beautiful gift  - The Explorations of Soromia Vetragat" - and the most touching letter.  It seems that unlike some others, Ioannis actually made some effort to understand me in our brief time working together.  He also seems to have accepted that there can be nothing between us, although he cannot have known of Lilya and I when he wrote it, so he must have realised the vast gulf between our personal circumstances.  Regardless, I do hope we will have the opportunity to work together again in the near future.  There is still much work to be done on the site in Sarum Prime.

I am, however, a little more torn over his gift of the necklace.  His ingenious, and delightful, game of  recreating an actual book that was in fact a puzzle again showed he made pains to find out the sorts of things that please and amuse m, but upon opening it and seeing that beautiful sapphire necklace!  He writes in his letter that it is a gift of apology for his behaviour, though he really not feel sorry for was it not I that kissed him?  Yet, such an exquisite piece seems awfully valuable for a simple apology, and besides, the last time I was gifted a necklace was    well, never mind, that is not important.  I do wonder if I should return, though if I do so I shall not simply leave it without a word as I did with Constantin's bauble.  I will speak to Ioannis and explain.  I am sure he will understand.

I should prepare for my surgery.  Lilya medical staff have finished growing my new eyeball and I will have it transplanted today.  Lilya has been on fleet operations with LUMEN, but I hope she will be there when I come out from the anaesthetic.  I took part in PIE operations last night, with Admiral Xideinis and Captain Shutaq (I really must get used to using their new titles), and two of our Crusade allies, and afterward Aldrith and I went to the Coffee House in Tanoo.  I really rather think Aldrith took me there as a sort of sardonic joke, given it is owned by the Archbishop's family.  That, and Aldrith is quite well aware I do not particularly like coffee.  Still, it was pleasant to sit and talk with him, and it felt much like the days when we first met.  I miss those days.  Darker times are coming, and there is much that will bring us difficulty and sorrow.  I am convinced that there are enemies close to home that others are not aware of, enemies that appear as friends and fool those who should stand as our allies.  We shall need less conventional methods of warfare, I should think.  Indeed, it may be necessary for us to make use of those who currently appear as enemies but should really be our friends - or at least willing, if ignorant, tools.

Such things seem so easy to write of, of course, so routine and mudane, despite their importance.  Other things seem much harder.  Death is a constant for warriors, of course, and more so for capsuleers, and yet, because of our immortal nature, it often seems meaningless, barely worth a mention.  That is why, when a True Death occurs, it seems to unreal, as though such a thing cannot be.  When one becomes a capsuleer, and experiences one's First Death, it loses its sting, its terrifying finality.  Familiarity breeds contempt.  Yet I think that such familiarity also means we cease understanding it, though that sounds somewhat counter-intuitive.  We lose our concept of Death.

Doctor Druur Monakh is no longer among us.  I do not know many details, but I understand that there was a cloning failure.  It is rare, but it does happen, and it is a risk all capsuleers take, though one we barely think of at all.  I am saddened, of course, and Lilya, understandably, is very, very upset. I thought nothing of the altercation I had with her, and now I regret that it was our last interaction.  We had our differences, and I do not think anything would have resolved them, but it should not have been left the way it was.  That is my fault, for I know she wished to talk with me, perhaps to make some form of peace between us, and now we never shall.  I have asked Father Mikhail to light a candle in our chapel in her memory, and I pray that her soul finds rest. Lilya has been given the care of her children left behind - though one is now older than Lilya herself.  I have promised to give all the assistance I can.  Perhaps that way I can do something to make amends for the wrong I committed.

16-08-YC121

I must confess, I was not expecting this turn of events when I answered Lilya's summons.  I had thought that there had been some development in the investigation, or that she had some news, perhaps of Constantin or someone else.  I of course had not forgotten her words to me before I left for Sarum Prime, about her feelings towards me, how could I?  Yet perhaps I thought Lilya herself would have put them from her mind.

Quite the opposite.  She had been thinking of them a lot, it seems, and had even thought I was angry or displeased with her, though nothing could be further from the truth.  I had always thought of Lilya as so quite, so reserved and shy.  I never thought she would be so determined to get what she wants, to obtain that which she has set her heart on.

What she wants, it transpires, really is me!  She was not unsuccessful.

Perhaps it shall complicate matters, but in all honesty, at this moment I do not care.  She is warm, kind, loyal, devoted - all the things I myself have ever wanted, and all that she wants is to be loved and cherised, as she deserves.  Tonight she made me feel both calm and excited at the same time, and wrapped in her arms after making love, I felt as though nothing else in New Eden mattered.  Nothing!  I know she speaks truthfully when she tells me she loves me, and there is something about her that makes it impossible for me not to trust her completely.  Why should I not?  She has never shown any hint of ulterior motives, of a hidden agenda, or of being anything other than that which she appears to be.  I cannot but believe without any hesitation that she will fight for the things she loves and cares for.  Unlike others I have given my heart to, Lilya will stand firm by her words.  She will not throw my heart away.  She, I know, will never give up at the slightest difficulty.  Many underestimate her, it is true, but I have seen the strength within her.  Beauty and strength.  It is an intoxicating combination!


Did I not say to her that I would kill to protect her?  Have I not thought to myself, prayed to God, to Her, for Lilya to remain pure and uncorrupted.  Perhaps, then, God, and My Eternal Empress, have made this happen so that I can protect her properly, as only a lover could.  I only hope that my own Darkness does not harm her.  I shall do everything I can to keep safe from even that.  I shall pray for the strength to do so.

Of course, once our relationship becomes public knowledge - and there is no reason to keep it hidden, for there is no shame in this - I do wonder what shall be said.  I must confess I look forward to Aldrith's reaction, for at least I can answer, in all honesty, that I have done the best I can to bring relations between a family of Sarum and a family of Tash-Murkon closer together.

Poor Ioannis, I feel he may be a little disappointed.  Though, from what Lilya tells me of his reputation, I cannot imagine he will wallow in any sort of sorrow for long.  Perhaps he was genuine, and the tales of all his different women are exaggerated.  I hope it shall not affect our working relationship.


I see there are reports of a Triglavian Invasion in Nakri!  As reluctant as I am to tear myself away from Lilya's bed, I must defend my home, my family.  Oh, but she is so very beautiful!

14-08-YC121

Oh, Katya!  Whatever are you thinking?

Whatever effect Ioannis is having on me, intentional or no, it seems to be overcoming my better judgement.  I am relieved that Lilya has asked, or rather ordered, me to return.  Some distance from that man is probably very wise.

I could have fallen into bed with him tonight; indeed, I almost did!  Had it not been for the mood being somehow broken, I am sure I would not be waking up in my tent tomorrow morning.  Stupid foolish girl that I am - imagine the scandal!

I still cannot quite fathom him.  He appears genuine and honest - certainly he has spoken openly, even after we kissed, about his understanding for my feelings toward Constantin.  I think many would not be so accepting, nor so patient.  He has also been quite candid about his dislike of certain institutions of our Empire, which fits exactly with his statements on the IGS.  Admittedly, he did qualify his statements by claiming he would never take active measures against any of the Big Four, regardless of aspects of their cultures he may find distasteful, including his own.

I also questioned him outright on his reasons for inviting me to accompany him.  Apparently, when planning the project with representatives of Hedion University and the Sarum Family, it was made quite clear by Sarum that they wanted someone on the project with proven connections and loyalties to the Family.  I must admit that Ioannis is probably quite correct that individuals with those qualities and experience in archaeology are probably not particularly numerous.  Apparently it was Professor Gruhmanian, who is with us on this site, who put forward my name.  That, of course, is most flattering - I would not have thought the good Professor would have remembered me, one student out of who knows how many he has taught, especially as it was only for a course of guest lectures for one semester at the Academy.

So, I have my explanation as to why I am here.  Perhaps I am being overly suspicious, and Ioannis has no ulterior motives for my presence.  There is, I think, some genuine feeling there for me, but I cannot think of that now.  It is far too soon, and even if that were not the case, Lilya has summoned me back to my duties, and I must obey.  Ioannis has his own matters to attend to as well, and shall be leaving early tomorrow afternoon, long after I have already left.

Oh, Lilya, your words to me are not forgotten!  I wonder how things shall be between us.  She seemed most earnest when she said it, but...oh, this is all so very confusing that is it any wonder I am getting so many headaches, and restless nights without sleep?  Lilya says that she loves me, but she remains, I think, with Doctor Monakh; the man I love, Constantin, no longer loves me, but instead is with the woman who was once with the man who now professes such admiration of me!  A man about whom I have mixed feelings, yet cannot deny a certain attraction to.

A certain attraction!  Really, Katya, be honest with yourself, if no-one else.

Tonight, Ekaterina Mariya deSilvestris, you attempted to seduce Ioannis Sepphiros, not the other way around!

12-08-YC121

The dig site is most impressive, and is full of promise.  Almost as impressive and full of promise as Ioannis.  I have never really had much dealing with Gallente, or at least few that did not involve exchanging shots, but it seems that Ioannis most certainly lives up to their reputation of being unafraid to express their feelings!  He is an interesting mix of contradictions - shy, modest, and yet quite happy to tell me that he has an irresistible desire for me, and wants to love me!

Perhaps kissing him was the wrong thing to do, I do not know.  My head feels so confused.  He is a very alluring man, but I still hurt from Constantin.  By strange coincidence Ioannis was a lover of Melisma, and he all but confirmed that which in my heart I knew - that Melisma was the one who seduced Constantin away from me.  I think I shall not sleep well tonight, at least not without some help.  Already I can feel the anger and pain rising inside me.

The contradictions with Ioannis do not cease there.  His words are not those one would expect to hear at what is but only a second meeting, but perhaps the people of his culture are not as reserved as we Amarr.  Perhaps!?!  Of course they are not!  I have heard the stories of how passionate they are with their emotions, how quickly and deeply they will throw themselves into their feelings.  Yet, am I that much different?  However, what sort of scout would I be if I did not prepare myself with as much knowledge as possible?  Ioannis is a name that appears again and again on the IGS, and rarely, it seems, in a favourable light.  I can see no definitive proof that he has stood directly against the Empire, though he has certainly expressed his opposition to our institutions, and has had more than a few affiliations with our enemies, such as those Tribal bandits Electus Matari.

What then, is his purpose here, in Sarum Prime?  He speaks of seeking to uncover knowledge, and help preserve heritage and history, the stated aim of his enterprise, Sapphire Interstellar Capital Holdings and Humanism, and the documents he showed me stating he has permission from the Sarum Family all seem to be in order; but is there something more?  He did mention Lord Vestokhri, who may even bring slaves to aid in the work.  That may prove to be quite revealing.

Why, I wonder, did he invite me to assist him, and how did he hear of me exactly?  My archaeological experience has never much be focused on such ancient sites as this, nor is my work at all famous or well known.  I shall have to see if I can coax an answer from him over dinner tonight.  He seems more than happy to speak openly with me, but whether that is from a genuine feeling of attraction, or an attempt to merely flatter me, I am not yet sure.

I can feel a headache coming upon me.  I should try to sleep.  The Esfand shall help ensure I have more pleasant dreams than usual, especially knowing the painful, hurtful truth about Constantin and Melisma.  My head is so full of different thoughts and emotions, and now there is a small, but not pleasant, feeling whenever I think, mostly unbidden, of Ioannis.

11-08-YC121

Ishta - she is either some form of protective spirit, or a punishment sent to deny me escape from my torments.  Perhaps she is both.  I suppose she acted how she thought best, finding me in such a benumbed state.  Esfand certainly lived up to its promises, taking me away as it did.  I recall very little of it, but I do remember feeling so blissfully blank.

I have had a letter from Mister Sepphiros.  An actual letter! So beautifully hand-written, further proof, if such were needed, of what a refined gentleman he is.  That he should take the time to reply in writing, a near-dead artform, is a most touching gesture.  So forgiving and understanding of my delay as well.  It is a shame that in the end the patrol was cancelled, but then perhaps it was a blessing in disguise, for if it had not been organised to begin with, I would not have this exquisitely elegant communication before me.

I hope I shall be able to join him later today, but if not he has given instructions on where to find him.  I think it wise that I delay but one more day, if only to alleviate Mama's concerns over last night.  It is difficult to wait, given how enthralling Mister Sepphiros' project sounds, but perhaps it is for the best.  I am sure he would not mind.  I also hope he has no objections to my taking Okhrana and Cheka, but I feel I have neglected my poor Hounds, and I should spend more time with them.

Besides, that may give some opportunity for a little bit of an entrance.  I have a small suspicion that this Mister Ioannis Sepphiros has some appreciation of charming theatricality.  It could very well be amusing, at the very least.

10-08-YC121

Ioannis Sepphiros is an interesting gentleman indeed.  If the decor of his office in Sarum is any indication, he is quite clearly a man of sophistication, with a cultured appreciation of the Empire's rich art and architecture.  It would also appear that he is one of those rare individuals in New Eden who does not seek to twist things to his own advantage.  His proposal was based on humanitarian principles, and the pursuit of knowledge to advance humanity as a whole, rather than some darker or baser goal.

I am also rather reassured that his project involves a significant degree of co-operation with the Sarum Family.  Of course, I could not very well refuse such an interesting enterprise so closely tied to my very own kin.  I think had it not been for this, Mister Sepphiros' insistence on secrecy might have very well caused me to refuse, despite the very good justifications he had.  In the end, however, I agreed to his proposal, and we shall start working together very soon.

We had hoped to begin today, but there has been a call to arms.  Admiral Xideinis has a patrol planned in order to introduce our newest recruits to combat in the warzone, and I feel it is my duty to accompany them.  I shall write to Mister Sepphiros to explain, and I am sure he will understand.  He strikes me as a very patient and well-mannered man.

Well-mannered, but not, I feel, as well-versed at hiding his inner thoughts as he may like to believe himself to be.  He seemed a little nervous.  No, nervous is not quite the correct word, but he did appear to be taking an interest in more than just my skills in the field of archaeology.  He is a man of decorum, however, and has obviously taken the time to understand the finer elements of our social protocols.  The opposite, one might say, of Commander Adams.  He is modest too, for my honest compliments to him appeared to make him a little uncomfortable, as though he is unused to being given any expression of praise.  That, however, seems difficult to believe.  We do have something in common already, for he too has a new cybernetic eye, and it seem that he, like myself, is unsure of how it appears to other people.  I think he need not worry, for it gives him a rather dashing, rogueish air.  He is rather attractive, for an Intaki.

Of course, his offer of hosting me for the evening was rather unexpected, and whilst I do believe it was born of genuine hospitality, needless to say I declined.  The tea was deliciously refreshing, however.

Yes, I rather look forward to working with this Mister Ioannis Sepphiros.

09-08-YC121

Dear God! What have I done that I am given no respite from confusion and torment?

I discharged myself from medical last night.  I could no longer take laying in bed, doing nothing.  Lilya was perfect and kept my mind occupied when she was awake, but as soon as she slept, which she had to do for fear of wearing herself out with her kindness, my thoughts turned in on themselves.

The words Constantin used to say to me play over and over - that he would stay with me for as long as I wanted him!  Why such lies?  Why say those things as though they were true, as though they meant something, only to renounce them at the slightest difficulty.  Until last night I wondered what difficulty, but then I read the LUMEN announcement of the winning bids on their tasteless "auction".  I see now why Constantin was so nervous and unsettled about that stupid event.  That Tribal diplomat, Melisma placed the highest "bid" on Constantin!  Such an amount I could never contend with, but it was never intended that I take part anyway, was it?

Why must such a noble, honourable man sully himself with such a thing?  Yet it comes as no surprise.  I saw what was in her eyes, what her intentions were the very first moment I met her.  The pain comes from knowing now that the man who professed such undying love for me, a man for whom I rushed to warzone in order restore his spirits, could so easily cast aside his feelings and turn to another.  Very well, let them enjoy their "date".  May he find the fate he deserves.

Yet I am tormented.  As much as I want to hate him, to be angry at him, I cannot.  I love him, and he still fills my whole heart.  I miss him so much.  It is myself I hate.  I knew at the beginning it could never last, that he would see that Darkness, that Unclean Force that has hung over me for all my life.  How could such a spiritual man not see it?  How could such a spiritual man love such a worthless creature as I?  I try and try to cut it out of myself, but I never really can.  It is in my spirit, in my soul, and I am damned by it.

Now, too, I have hurt Darling Lilya.  As I left, she awoke.  How I lied so easily to her, telling her I would return.  Poor thing, she deserves a better friend; but friendship, it seems, it not her intention.

She professed her love for me.

Oh, Lilya, I am so sorry.  I cannot think of such a thing.  She is so beautiful, so kind, so caring, so perfect, it would surely be a mortal sin to willingly subject her to my wretchedness.  I would merely corruupt and tarnish her graceful perfection.  So I left her alone, upset and crying, to try and distract myself with my work, my duties.

I shall surely be punished for this, though neither God nor The Eternal Empress need do so, for am I not already well-versed at punishing myself.  Perhaps I do not do so enough.

I have to try to find some rest, some peace, some escape.  Perhaps this offer from this Mr. Sepphiros shall bring a distraction.  Perhaps I may find other means.  Any escape, any, would be a blessed relief, if only for a fleeting moment.

06-08-YC121

I have read and re-read my last entry in this diary, and yet it seems as though it were written by another.  I have no recollection of feeling the way I must so obviously have felt, and no memory at all of anything that happened after Constantin spoke the words that broke my heart and ended my happiness.  I do not recall undertaking the operation to rescue Ishta from her predicament, though I do remember placing her in that grave situation, yet I am assured that I led it.  Indeed, I was the first to find Ishta.

Neither do I recall the shot that took my eye and destroyed the right side of my face.  I can only think that I was in the most frightful fugue or somesuch.  I am trying, rightly or wrongly, to think as little of it as I can, for the idea both frightens and confuses me.  I do not think I am yet strong enough to face what may have really happened. Perhaps I shall never be.

The operation to replace my eye with a temporary implant has been a success, I am told, and certainly it appears to have worked.  Indeed, my eyesight is much improved, though it was never at fault.  The doctors, led by Tomsky, tell me that the nanites have completely repaired the damage done to my skull, but that it is a miracle I was not killed, or at least forced to soft-clone.  They say God must have smiled upon me.  My own, secret, opinion is that God, and My Eternal Empress, have saved me for something else yet again, though I cannot begin to imagine why, or for what.  Tomsky tells me there may be some after-effects that have not come to light as yet, and that these may not be physical.  I shall bear whatever fate awaits me.

I shall not, however, bear it entirely alone, it seems. Dear, sweet Lilya has sat by my bedside ever since I returned from planet-side.  She has been my constant companion and watch, and have never once left me alone.  I know what I have done to deserve such a wonderful, selfless friend; a friend of such kindness and warmth.  She has touched my heart so very tenderly, that I even dare to think that I may be able to recover from the heartache of losing Constantin's love, so long as I may turn to Darling Lilya in times of pain or worry.  I owe her a debt I can never truly repay, but I shall do my utmost by returning the companionship that she gives unto me.

Aldrith has also visited, which was most caring of him.  Poor Aldrith, beset as he is on all sides by his own troubles and woes, he still made time to come and see how I was.  He tries so to act the heartless, jaded cynic, but I know that deep down, his beautiful, artistic soul is as strong as ever.

Ishta also came to give her good wishes.  I feel that perhaps we have put our differences aside, for I spoke to her honestly of my hopes for my brother and her.  I am sure after the service she has given, which indeed may have saved Lilya's very life, she will be greatly rewarded.  I find it most tempting to write to Lord Pitoojee and petition him for her freedom.  Has she not earned it?  Has she not shown herself to be not only Loyal to the Empire, but also Faithful in God?  I believe that she has, and were she to be emancipated - who knows what futures would be opened up to her?  Many more possibilities, of that I am most certain.  I do so hope it comes to pass.  I shall pray for it.  I wish I had Ishta's strength, for nothing seems to frighten or disorient her.  If I were as she, then perhaps certain things would not have happened - but no, thinking on such things is unwise for me now.

I have also had a most unexpected contact.  A Mister Ioannis Sepphiros, who, it appears, has business interests within the Empire and further afield, wishes to engage my talents in archaeology.  I am, I must admit, most intrigued, and his mail was of such eloquence that I could not help but reply.  I hope we shall be able to arrange to meet soon at his offices in Sarum Prime.  I certainly have no intention of remaining idle here for any longer than is absolutely necessary to recover, though I am sure Lilya would rather I stay for as long as possible.  Poor Lilya, if I were to do that, she would continue sleeping in the chair by my bedside, just as she is at this moment.  Oh Lilya, you do look the sweetest, most darling young woman that ever there was, but I cannot for a moment believe it is comfortable for you.  If only there were room on this bed beside me, I am sure you would get a much better night's rest.