16-08-YC121

I must confess, I was not expecting this turn of events when I answered Lilya's summons.  I had thought that there had been some development in the investigation, or that she had some news, perhaps of Constantin or someone else.  I of course had not forgotten her words to me before I left for Sarum Prime, about her feelings towards me, how could I?  Yet perhaps I thought Lilya herself would have put them from her mind.

Quite the opposite.  She had been thinking of them a lot, it seems, and had even thought I was angry or displeased with her, though nothing could be further from the truth.  I had always thought of Lilya as so quite, so reserved and shy.  I never thought she would be so determined to get what she wants, to obtain that which she has set her heart on.

What she wants, it transpires, really is me!  She was not unsuccessful.

Perhaps it shall complicate matters, but in all honesty, at this moment I do not care.  She is warm, kind, loyal, devoted - all the things I myself have ever wanted, and all that she wants is to be loved and cherised, as she deserves.  Tonight she made me feel both calm and excited at the same time, and wrapped in her arms after making love, I felt as though nothing else in New Eden mattered.  Nothing!  I know she speaks truthfully when she tells me she loves me, and there is something about her that makes it impossible for me not to trust her completely.  Why should I not?  She has never shown any hint of ulterior motives, of a hidden agenda, or of being anything other than that which she appears to be.  I cannot but believe without any hesitation that she will fight for the things she loves and cares for.  Unlike others I have given my heart to, Lilya will stand firm by her words.  She will not throw my heart away.  She, I know, will never give up at the slightest difficulty.  Many underestimate her, it is true, but I have seen the strength within her.  Beauty and strength.  It is an intoxicating combination!


Did I not say to her that I would kill to protect her?  Have I not thought to myself, prayed to God, to Her, for Lilya to remain pure and uncorrupted.  Perhaps, then, God, and My Eternal Empress, have made this happen so that I can protect her properly, as only a lover could.  I only hope that my own Darkness does not harm her.  I shall do everything I can to keep safe from even that.  I shall pray for the strength to do so.

Of course, once our relationship becomes public knowledge - and there is no reason to keep it hidden, for there is no shame in this - I do wonder what shall be said.  I must confess I look forward to Aldrith's reaction, for at least I can answer, in all honesty, that I have done the best I can to bring relations between a family of Sarum and a family of Tash-Murkon closer together.

Poor Ioannis, I feel he may be a little disappointed.  Though, from what Lilya tells me of his reputation, I cannot imagine he will wallow in any sort of sorrow for long.  Perhaps he was genuine, and the tales of all his different women are exaggerated.  I hope it shall not affect our working relationship.


I see there are reports of a Triglavian Invasion in Nakri!  As reluctant as I am to tear myself away from Lilya's bed, I must defend my home, my family.  Oh, but she is so very beautiful!

14-08-YC121

Oh, Katya!  Whatever are you thinking?

Whatever effect Ioannis is having on me, intentional or no, it seems to be overcoming my better judgement.  I am relieved that Lilya has asked, or rather ordered, me to return.  Some distance from that man is probably very wise.

I could have fallen into bed with him tonight; indeed, I almost did!  Had it not been for the mood being somehow broken, I am sure I would not be waking up in my tent tomorrow morning.  Stupid foolish girl that I am - imagine the scandal!

I still cannot quite fathom him.  He appears genuine and honest - certainly he has spoken openly, even after we kissed, about his understanding for my feelings toward Constantin.  I think many would not be so accepting, nor so patient.  He has also been quite candid about his dislike of certain institutions of our Empire, which fits exactly with his statements on the IGS.  Admittedly, he did qualify his statements by claiming he would never take active measures against any of the Big Four, regardless of aspects of their cultures he may find distasteful, including his own.

I also questioned him outright on his reasons for inviting me to accompany him.  Apparently, when planning the project with representatives of Hedion University and the Sarum Family, it was made quite clear by Sarum that they wanted someone on the project with proven connections and loyalties to the Family.  I must admit that Ioannis is probably quite correct that individuals with those qualities and experience in archaeology are probably not particularly numerous.  Apparently it was Professor Gruhmanian, who is with us on this site, who put forward my name.  That, of course, is most flattering - I would not have thought the good Professor would have remembered me, one student out of who knows how many he has taught, especially as it was only for a course of guest lectures for one semester at the Academy.

So, I have my explanation as to why I am here.  Perhaps I am being overly suspicious, and Ioannis has no ulterior motives for my presence.  There is, I think, some genuine feeling there for me, but I cannot think of that now.  It is far too soon, and even if that were not the case, Lilya has summoned me back to my duties, and I must obey.  Ioannis has his own matters to attend to as well, and shall be leaving early tomorrow afternoon, long after I have already left.

Oh, Lilya, your words to me are not forgotten!  I wonder how things shall be between us.  She seemed most earnest when she said it, but...oh, this is all so very confusing that is it any wonder I am getting so many headaches, and restless nights without sleep?  Lilya says that she loves me, but she remains, I think, with Doctor Monakh; the man I love, Constantin, no longer loves me, but instead is with the woman who was once with the man who now professes such admiration of me!  A man about whom I have mixed feelings, yet cannot deny a certain attraction to.

A certain attraction!  Really, Katya, be honest with yourself, if no-one else.

Tonight, Ekaterina Mariya deSilvestris, you attempted to seduce Ioannis Sepphiros, not the other way around!

12-08-YC121

The dig site is most impressive, and is full of promise.  Almost as impressive and full of promise as Ioannis.  I have never really had much dealing with Gallente, or at least few that did not involve exchanging shots, but it seems that Ioannis most certainly lives up to their reputation of being unafraid to express their feelings!  He is an interesting mix of contradictions - shy, modest, and yet quite happy to tell me that he has an irresistible desire for me, and wants to love me!

Perhaps kissing him was the wrong thing to do, I do not know.  My head feels so confused.  He is a very alluring man, but I still hurt from Constantin.  By strange coincidence Ioannis was a lover of Melisma, and he all but confirmed that which in my heart I knew - that Melisma was the one who seduced Constantin away from me.  I think I shall not sleep well tonight, at least not without some help.  Already I can feel the anger and pain rising inside me.

The contradictions with Ioannis do not cease there.  His words are not those one would expect to hear at what is but only a second meeting, but perhaps the people of his culture are not as reserved as we Amarr.  Perhaps!?!  Of course they are not!  I have heard the stories of how passionate they are with their emotions, how quickly and deeply they will throw themselves into their feelings.  Yet, am I that much different?  However, what sort of scout would I be if I did not prepare myself with as much knowledge as possible?  Ioannis is a name that appears again and again on the IGS, and rarely, it seems, in a favourable light.  I can see no definitive proof that he has stood directly against the Empire, though he has certainly expressed his opposition to our institutions, and has had more than a few affiliations with our enemies, such as those Tribal bandits Electus Matari.

What then, is his purpose here, in Sarum Prime?  He speaks of seeking to uncover knowledge, and help preserve heritage and history, the stated aim of his enterprise, Sapphire Interstellar Capital Holdings and Humanism, and the documents he showed me stating he has permission from the Sarum Family all seem to be in order; but is there something more?  He did mention Lord Vestokhri, who may even bring slaves to aid in the work.  That may prove to be quite revealing.

Why, I wonder, did he invite me to assist him, and how did he hear of me exactly?  My archaeological experience has never much be focused on such ancient sites as this, nor is my work at all famous or well known.  I shall have to see if I can coax an answer from him over dinner tonight.  He seems more than happy to speak openly with me, but whether that is from a genuine feeling of attraction, or an attempt to merely flatter me, I am not yet sure.

I can feel a headache coming upon me.  I should try to sleep.  The Esfand shall help ensure I have more pleasant dreams than usual, especially knowing the painful, hurtful truth about Constantin and Melisma.  My head is so full of different thoughts and emotions, and now there is a small, but not pleasant, feeling whenever I think, mostly unbidden, of Ioannis.

11-08-YC121

Ishta - she is either some form of protective spirit, or a punishment sent to deny me escape from my torments.  Perhaps she is both.  I suppose she acted how she thought best, finding me in such a benumbed state.  Esfand certainly lived up to its promises, taking me away as it did.  I recall very little of it, but I do remember feeling so blissfully blank.

I have had a letter from Mister Sepphiros.  An actual letter! So beautifully hand-written, further proof, if such were needed, of what a refined gentleman he is.  That he should take the time to reply in writing, a near-dead artform, is a most touching gesture.  So forgiving and understanding of my delay as well.  It is a shame that in the end the patrol was cancelled, but then perhaps it was a blessing in disguise, for if it had not been organised to begin with, I would not have this exquisitely elegant communication before me.

I hope I shall be able to join him later today, but if not he has given instructions on where to find him.  I think it wise that I delay but one more day, if only to alleviate Mama's concerns over last night.  It is difficult to wait, given how enthralling Mister Sepphiros' project sounds, but perhaps it is for the best.  I am sure he would not mind.  I also hope he has no objections to my taking Okhrana and Cheka, but I feel I have neglected my poor Hounds, and I should spend more time with them.

Besides, that may give some opportunity for a little bit of an entrance.  I have a small suspicion that this Mister Ioannis Sepphiros has some appreciation of charming theatricality.  It could very well be amusing, at the very least.

10-08-YC121

Ioannis Sepphiros is an interesting gentleman indeed.  If the decor of his office in Sarum is any indication, he is quite clearly a man of sophistication, with a cultured appreciation of the Empire's rich art and architecture.  It would also appear that he is one of those rare individuals in New Eden who does not seek to twist things to his own advantage.  His proposal was based on humanitarian principles, and the pursuit of knowledge to advance humanity as a whole, rather than some darker or baser goal.

I am also rather reassured that his project involves a significant degree of co-operation with the Sarum Family.  Of course, I could not very well refuse such an interesting enterprise so closely tied to my very own kin.  I think had it not been for this, Mister Sepphiros' insistence on secrecy might have very well caused me to refuse, despite the very good justifications he had.  In the end, however, I agreed to his proposal, and we shall start working together very soon.

We had hoped to begin today, but there has been a call to arms.  Admiral Xideinis has a patrol planned in order to introduce our newest recruits to combat in the warzone, and I feel it is my duty to accompany them.  I shall write to Mister Sepphiros to explain, and I am sure he will understand.  He strikes me as a very patient and well-mannered man.

Well-mannered, but not, I feel, as well-versed at hiding his inner thoughts as he may like to believe himself to be.  He seemed a little nervous.  No, nervous is not quite the correct word, but he did appear to be taking an interest in more than just my skills in the field of archaeology.  He is a man of decorum, however, and has obviously taken the time to understand the finer elements of our social protocols.  The opposite, one might say, of Commander Adams.  He is modest too, for my honest compliments to him appeared to make him a little uncomfortable, as though he is unused to being given any expression of praise.  That, however, seems difficult to believe.  We do have something in common already, for he too has a new cybernetic eye, and it seem that he, like myself, is unsure of how it appears to other people.  I think he need not worry, for it gives him a rather dashing, rogueish air.  He is rather attractive, for an Intaki.

Of course, his offer of hosting me for the evening was rather unexpected, and whilst I do believe it was born of genuine hospitality, needless to say I declined.  The tea was deliciously refreshing, however.

Yes, I rather look forward to working with this Mister Ioannis Sepphiros.

09-08-YC121

Dear God! What have I done that I am given no respite from confusion and torment?

I discharged myself from medical last night.  I could no longer take laying in bed, doing nothing.  Lilya was perfect and kept my mind occupied when she was awake, but as soon as she slept, which she had to do for fear of wearing herself out with her kindness, my thoughts turned in on themselves.

The words Constantin used to say to me play over and over - that he would stay with me for as long as I wanted him!  Why such lies?  Why say those things as though they were true, as though they meant something, only to renounce them at the slightest difficulty.  Until last night I wondered what difficulty, but then I read the LUMEN announcement of the winning bids on their tasteless "auction".  I see now why Constantin was so nervous and unsettled about that stupid event.  That Tribal diplomat, Melisma placed the highest "bid" on Constantin!  Such an amount I could never contend with, but it was never intended that I take part anyway, was it?

Why must such a noble, honourable man sully himself with such a thing?  Yet it comes as no surprise.  I saw what was in her eyes, what her intentions were the very first moment I met her.  The pain comes from knowing now that the man who professed such undying love for me, a man for whom I rushed to warzone in order restore his spirits, could so easily cast aside his feelings and turn to another.  Very well, let them enjoy their "date".  May he find the fate he deserves.

Yet I am tormented.  As much as I want to hate him, to be angry at him, I cannot.  I love him, and he still fills my whole heart.  I miss him so much.  It is myself I hate.  I knew at the beginning it could never last, that he would see that Darkness, that Unclean Force that has hung over me for all my life.  How could such a spiritual man not see it?  How could such a spiritual man love such a worthless creature as I?  I try and try to cut it out of myself, but I never really can.  It is in my spirit, in my soul, and I am damned by it.

Now, too, I have hurt Darling Lilya.  As I left, she awoke.  How I lied so easily to her, telling her I would return.  Poor thing, she deserves a better friend; but friendship, it seems, it not her intention.

She professed her love for me.

Oh, Lilya, I am so sorry.  I cannot think of such a thing.  She is so beautiful, so kind, so caring, so perfect, it would surely be a mortal sin to willingly subject her to my wretchedness.  I would merely corruupt and tarnish her graceful perfection.  So I left her alone, upset and crying, to try and distract myself with my work, my duties.

I shall surely be punished for this, though neither God nor The Eternal Empress need do so, for am I not already well-versed at punishing myself.  Perhaps I do not do so enough.

I have to try to find some rest, some peace, some escape.  Perhaps this offer from this Mr. Sepphiros shall bring a distraction.  Perhaps I may find other means.  Any escape, any, would be a blessed relief, if only for a fleeting moment.

06-08-YC121

I have read and re-read my last entry in this diary, and yet it seems as though it were written by another.  I have no recollection of feeling the way I must so obviously have felt, and no memory at all of anything that happened after Constantin spoke the words that broke my heart and ended my happiness.  I do not recall undertaking the operation to rescue Ishta from her predicament, though I do remember placing her in that grave situation, yet I am assured that I led it.  Indeed, I was the first to find Ishta.

Neither do I recall the shot that took my eye and destroyed the right side of my face.  I can only think that I was in the most frightful fugue or somesuch.  I am trying, rightly or wrongly, to think as little of it as I can, for the idea both frightens and confuses me.  I do not think I am yet strong enough to face what may have really happened. Perhaps I shall never be.

The operation to replace my eye with a temporary implant has been a success, I am told, and certainly it appears to have worked.  Indeed, my eyesight is much improved, though it was never at fault.  The doctors, led by Tomsky, tell me that the nanites have completely repaired the damage done to my skull, but that it is a miracle I was not killed, or at least forced to soft-clone.  They say God must have smiled upon me.  My own, secret, opinion is that God, and My Eternal Empress, have saved me for something else yet again, though I cannot begin to imagine why, or for what.  Tomsky tells me there may be some after-effects that have not come to light as yet, and that these may not be physical.  I shall bear whatever fate awaits me.

I shall not, however, bear it entirely alone, it seems. Dear, sweet Lilya has sat by my bedside ever since I returned from planet-side.  She has been my constant companion and watch, and have never once left me alone.  I know what I have done to deserve such a wonderful, selfless friend; a friend of such kindness and warmth.  She has touched my heart so very tenderly, that I even dare to think that I may be able to recover from the heartache of losing Constantin's love, so long as I may turn to Darling Lilya in times of pain or worry.  I owe her a debt I can never truly repay, but I shall do my utmost by returning the companionship that she gives unto me.

Aldrith has also visited, which was most caring of him.  Poor Aldrith, beset as he is on all sides by his own troubles and woes, he still made time to come and see how I was.  He tries so to act the heartless, jaded cynic, but I know that deep down, his beautiful, artistic soul is as strong as ever.

Ishta also came to give her good wishes.  I feel that perhaps we have put our differences aside, for I spoke to her honestly of my hopes for my brother and her.  I am sure after the service she has given, which indeed may have saved Lilya's very life, she will be greatly rewarded.  I find it most tempting to write to Lord Pitoojee and petition him for her freedom.  Has she not earned it?  Has she not shown herself to be not only Loyal to the Empire, but also Faithful in God?  I believe that she has, and were she to be emancipated - who knows what futures would be opened up to her?  Many more possibilities, of that I am most certain.  I do so hope it comes to pass.  I shall pray for it.  I wish I had Ishta's strength, for nothing seems to frighten or disorient her.  If I were as she, then perhaps certain things would not have happened - but no, thinking on such things is unwise for me now.

I have also had a most unexpected contact.  A Mister Ioannis Sepphiros, who, it appears, has business interests within the Empire and further afield, wishes to engage my talents in archaeology.  I am, I must admit, most intrigued, and his mail was of such eloquence that I could not help but reply.  I hope we shall be able to arrange to meet soon at his offices in Sarum Prime.  I certainly have no intention of remaining idle here for any longer than is absolutely necessary to recover, though I am sure Lilya would rather I stay for as long as possible.  Poor Lilya, if I were to do that, she would continue sleeping in the chair by my bedside, just as she is at this moment.  Oh Lilya, you do look the sweetest, most darling young woman that ever there was, but I cannot for a moment believe it is comfortable for you.  If only there were room on this bed beside me, I am sure you would get a much better night's rest.