You're where the Wild Things are...

An in-character blog set in the universe of EVE Online. These are the private diary entries of Lady Ekaterina Mariya deSilvestris, a minor Amarrian Noble and Capsuleer. Other existing characters within EVE will be referred to throughout, though any opinions and views expressed are those of this character. These entries may touch on or directly address mature themes such as violence, sexuality, race and ethnicity, and mental health. As noted, any views are those of the character.

Before we begin, I feel it important to say a few words on the subject of mental health. Ekaterina, or Ekat as many call her, is something of a troubled soul. This aspect of her character is a personal choice I have made, for very personal reasons. Although EVE is a game in which the players can immerse themselves to a greater or lesser degree as they wish, mental health is a very real issue for many people. Those two simple words cover a myriad different issues and concerns that affect people directly or indirectly every day all, over the world.

If you find yourself affected by any issues touched upon in these posts, or if you face your own troubles, please know that there are people out there you can turn to; doctors, friends, family - there is ALWAYS someone. If you are an EVE player, then Broadcast 4 Reps chat is available, staffed by wonderfully kind and good-hearted volunteers. If you know of someone who has mental health issues, then please just let them know you are there. It doesn't have to be anything big, just a smile, a cup of tea, a quick phone call about last night's game - just a little thing to show they aren't forgotten.

You Never Fly Alone.
09-08-YC121

Dear God! What have I done that I am given no respite from confusion and torment?

I discharged myself from medical last night.  I could no longer take laying in bed, doing nothing.  Lilya was perfect and kept my mind occupied when she was awake, but as soon as she slept, which she had to do for fear of wearing herself out with her kindness, my thoughts turned in on themselves.

The words Constantin used to say to me play over and over - that he would stay with me for as long as I wanted him!  Why such lies?  Why say those things as though they were true, as though they meant something, only to renounce them at the slightest difficulty.  Until last night I wondered what difficulty, but then I read the LUMEN announcement of the winning bids on their tasteless "auction".  I see now why Constantin was so nervous and unsettled about that stupid event.  That Tribal diplomat, Melisma placed the highest "bid" on Constantin!  Such an amount I could never contend with, but it was never intended that I take part anyway, was it?

Why must such a noble, honourable man sully himself with such a thing?  Yet it comes as no surprise.  I saw what was in her eyes, what her intentions were the very first moment I met her.  The pain comes from knowing now that the man who professed such undying love for me, a man for whom I rushed to warzone in order restore his spirits, could so easily cast aside his feelings and turn to another.  Very well, let them enjoy their "date".  May he find the fate he deserves.

Yet I am tormented.  As much as I want to hate him, to be angry at him, I cannot.  I love him, and he still fills my whole heart.  I miss him so much.  It is myself I hate.  I knew at the beginning it could never last, that he would see that Darkness, that Unclean Force that has hung over me for all my life.  How could such a spiritual man not see it?  How could such a spiritual man love such a worthless creature as I?  I try and try to cut it out of myself, but I never really can.  It is in my spirit, in my soul, and I am damned by it.

Now, too, I have hurt Darling Lilya.  As I left, she awoke.  How I lied so easily to her, telling her I would return.  Poor thing, she deserves a better friend; but friendship, it seems, it not her intention.

She professed her love for me.

Oh, Lilya, I am so sorry.  I cannot think of such a thing.  She is so beautiful, so kind, so caring, so perfect, it would surely be a mortal sin to willingly subject her to my wretchedness.  I would merely corruupt and tarnish her graceful perfection.  So I left her alone, upset and crying, to try and distract myself with my work, my duties.

I shall surely be punished for this, though neither God nor The Eternal Empress need do so, for am I not already well-versed at punishing myself.  Perhaps I do not do so enough.

I have to try to find some rest, some peace, some escape.  Perhaps this offer from this Mr. Sepphiros shall bring a distraction.  Perhaps I may find other means.  Any escape, any, would be a blessed relief, if only for a fleeting moment.
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