28-02-YC121
Constantin and I shall be together again very soon. My Darling has been asked to act as chaperone, and he would like me to accompany him. Of course I agreed, though I cannot imagine I will be very much use to prevent anything inappropriate happening between our wards. I am likely to be far too distraced. Indeed, it would not be at all surprising were we to need a chaperone ourselves - mostly to keep Dear Constantin safe from me!
Oh Katya, how rude you are! It is true, though. It shall be impossible to hold myself back from kissing him whenever the opportunity presents itself, and were there to be even slightest posibility of anything more...
Ah, but I should write no more, lest I place some form of curse upon the whole event for my foolish notions. Perhaps I should also be more careful in what I wish for. Were we to become so intimate, he would have to see my Souvenirs and the marks of my Old Friend, and I cannot expect anyone's love to be so strong as to be able to overlook such things. I cannot be that blessed, I simply cannot be.
27-02-YC121
Finding the Cafe on this station was such a blessing. Admittedly, it is open to everyone, even people like Adams, but it is far more common to see friends and allies there. Liana was there tonight, along with Ms Monakh, and, suprisingly, Ishta. We spoke of the past and childhood. Poor little Liana! Such tragedy in her life, it is no wonder I feel so protective of her. It is strange to compare the similarities in her and Ishta's stories, and yet see how differently they have turned out. Ah, but there are some marked differences in their formative experiences of life. Fortunately, the conversation turned to happier subject, though Ishta made a comment that worries me. The other two could not have seen it for anything other than a bawdy joke - even Liana, who is perhaps not so innocent as she seems - but for me? No, there was something the way Ishta said it, some look in her eyes. Does she know about Sirna and I? Has her sister said something? Or was she referring to Constantin?
Perhaps I overthink this. It is more than likely. The more I think of if, the more I wonder what I have done to deserve Constantin! I can think of no adequate deed to be given such a gift. Am I then supposed to do something to show my gratitude? I think that may be it. I should show God, show Her how grateful I am.
Yet how? I have nothing I can offer that equals the love that Constantin professes for me, the happiness and joy he brings me! I have only my poor and lowly skills as a warrior, and the toil of my own blood and tears to offer up in thanks!
If these, then, are what I must sacrifice, so be it. I shall do so gladly and with rapture. I shall earn the right to his Love, his Heart. I shall prove my worth and my devotion before God and My Eternal Empress. I shall give all of myself for him.
Finding the Cafe on this station was such a blessing. Admittedly, it is open to everyone, even people like Adams, but it is far more common to see friends and allies there. Liana was there tonight, along with Ms Monakh, and, suprisingly, Ishta. We spoke of the past and childhood. Poor little Liana! Such tragedy in her life, it is no wonder I feel so protective of her. It is strange to compare the similarities in her and Ishta's stories, and yet see how differently they have turned out. Ah, but there are some marked differences in their formative experiences of life. Fortunately, the conversation turned to happier subject, though Ishta made a comment that worries me. The other two could not have seen it for anything other than a bawdy joke - even Liana, who is perhaps not so innocent as she seems - but for me? No, there was something the way Ishta said it, some look in her eyes. Does she know about Sirna and I? Has her sister said something? Or was she referring to Constantin?
Perhaps I overthink this. It is more than likely. The more I think of if, the more I wonder what I have done to deserve Constantin! I can think of no adequate deed to be given such a gift. Am I then supposed to do something to show my gratitude? I think that may be it. I should show God, show Her how grateful I am.
Yet how? I have nothing I can offer that equals the love that Constantin professes for me, the happiness and joy he brings me! I have only my poor and lowly skills as a warrior, and the toil of my own blood and tears to offer up in thanks!
If these, then, are what I must sacrifice, so be it. I shall do so gladly and with rapture. I shall earn the right to his Love, his Heart. I shall prove my worth and my devotion before God and My Eternal Empress. I shall give all of myself for him.
26-10-YC121
Assisting Commander Kley in service to the Sarum Family is excellent focus. It is some time, admittedly, since I last commanded an Apocalypse-class, but it was a positive experience to have the Brize back in action after a refit. Commander Kley is an excellent Fleet Commander, and it was an honour to be asked to serve alongside her. Wayward self-aware drones are perhaps not the greatest immediate threat to our Empire, but left unchecked they could become so, and so it is no waste to deal with their hives from time to time. It also brought a modest amount of salvage, and something I think Felix may find quite useful in his research. I will send him a message later. I have a few items that he can make much better use of.
I have tried so very hard to keep my mind clear and focused these last few days. Seeing Sirna again has left me very confused, a confusion I would no doubt feel even had Constantin not appeared in my life. I had thought all that left behind, put to rest, difficult though it was to do; but, no, nothing is ever so simple. I envy those who can simply walk away from a situation, like Edward, or seemingly switch off their emotions and think clearly, calmly, rationally, like Captain Elkin or Aldrith. Neither of those options are open to me; no matter how I try, no matter that I at times feel so outside and detatched from it all, I still feel, and I am still ruled by my emotions. There are times, it is true, that this is not perhaps such a terrible way to be; but it has brought me so much trouble more times than I care to count. I fear it is to bring me trouble again. I shall pray for Her guidance tonight.
Assisting Commander Kley in service to the Sarum Family is excellent focus. It is some time, admittedly, since I last commanded an Apocalypse-class, but it was a positive experience to have the Brize back in action after a refit. Commander Kley is an excellent Fleet Commander, and it was an honour to be asked to serve alongside her. Wayward self-aware drones are perhaps not the greatest immediate threat to our Empire, but left unchecked they could become so, and so it is no waste to deal with their hives from time to time. It also brought a modest amount of salvage, and something I think Felix may find quite useful in his research. I will send him a message later. I have a few items that he can make much better use of.
I have tried so very hard to keep my mind clear and focused these last few days. Seeing Sirna again has left me very confused, a confusion I would no doubt feel even had Constantin not appeared in my life. I had thought all that left behind, put to rest, difficult though it was to do; but, no, nothing is ever so simple. I envy those who can simply walk away from a situation, like Edward, or seemingly switch off their emotions and think clearly, calmly, rationally, like Captain Elkin or Aldrith. Neither of those options are open to me; no matter how I try, no matter that I at times feel so outside and detatched from it all, I still feel, and I am still ruled by my emotions. There are times, it is true, that this is not perhaps such a terrible way to be; but it has brought me so much trouble more times than I care to count. I fear it is to bring me trouble again. I shall pray for Her guidance tonight.
25-02-YC121
Happy Birthday, Mama!
What a delightful day we have had, celebrating Mama! Everyone attended, of course, and Ankine made an absolutely adorable cake. Papa jokingly teased Mama about pulling her ears, but I think if he had tried, he would have fared the worst. Silly Papa, he still does that with all of us. He did give Mama an absolutely beautiful necklace, though, so I think she will forgive his teasing. Felix had obviously used his connections to find a very tasteful Gallente perfume, and though it may not have been quite as impressive, I do think Mama quite liked my box of Ni-Kunni confections.
Dzerzhinsky entertained us all with his birthday songs (I made a quick wish whilst sat between him and Felix at dinner, and oh, how I pray it comes true), and Father Mikhail was there to give Blessings. Altogether it was a very full house, and I would have stayed all night were I able. Alas, duty does not care for birthdays or celebrations or precious moments with loved ones. Yet there will be more to come, and I look forward to Nikolai's not too far away. I hope I am able to bring Constantin to that one, I want so much for him to spend as much time as possible with my family.
I pray God and My Eternal Empress shall make my wish come true.
Happy Birthday, Mama!
What a delightful day we have had, celebrating Mama! Everyone attended, of course, and Ankine made an absolutely adorable cake. Papa jokingly teased Mama about pulling her ears, but I think if he had tried, he would have fared the worst. Silly Papa, he still does that with all of us. He did give Mama an absolutely beautiful necklace, though, so I think she will forgive his teasing. Felix had obviously used his connections to find a very tasteful Gallente perfume, and though it may not have been quite as impressive, I do think Mama quite liked my box of Ni-Kunni confections.
Dzerzhinsky entertained us all with his birthday songs (I made a quick wish whilst sat between him and Felix at dinner, and oh, how I pray it comes true), and Father Mikhail was there to give Blessings. Altogether it was a very full house, and I would have stayed all night were I able. Alas, duty does not care for birthdays or celebrations or precious moments with loved ones. Yet there will be more to come, and I look forward to Nikolai's not too far away. I hope I am able to bring Constantin to that one, I want so much for him to spend as much time as possible with my family.
I pray God and My Eternal Empress shall make my wish come true.
21-02-YC121
I had to put that vile little ferret Nauplius in his place tonight, and I must admit I rather enjoyed it. The idiot had the sheer indecency to declare, publically, that he believed Adams and I to be lovers! As if I would dishonour myself with that pseudo-Gallente stooge. Still, it was necessary to make an example of Nauplius, so I summoned him to my presence. Surprisingly, he came, but then he is a commoner, so it is only natural he obeys his betters.
I should rather think my threat to decapitate him if he even so much as dares to think such a moronic idea ever again stuck in his thick skull.
Fortunately, Liana arrived at the Cafe soon afterwards. That dear, sweet girl is always a welcome distraction, even from returning Constantin's letters. Oh, Constantin! How beautifully you write, and how you make my heart sing with your words. Can it truly only be but less than a handful of days since we first met? We write to one another as though we had been intimate for a lifetime. How can this be? What wonderous act have I commited in the eyes of God and My Eternal Empress to deserve such happiness? I try to think what it could be, but I can think of nothing. I, low and wicked as I am, surely do not deserve a reward such as this, and yet, Darling Constantin, here you are?
That Constant Shadow whispers the most dreadful insecurites into my waking thoughts, but I must try not to give in to doubt. Perhaps this joy is just fleeting, but I must cherish it whilst I am able, before Darkness and Loneliness inevitably return.
I had to put that vile little ferret Nauplius in his place tonight, and I must admit I rather enjoyed it. The idiot had the sheer indecency to declare, publically, that he believed Adams and I to be lovers! As if I would dishonour myself with that pseudo-Gallente stooge. Still, it was necessary to make an example of Nauplius, so I summoned him to my presence. Surprisingly, he came, but then he is a commoner, so it is only natural he obeys his betters.
I should rather think my threat to decapitate him if he even so much as dares to think such a moronic idea ever again stuck in his thick skull.
Fortunately, Liana arrived at the Cafe soon afterwards. That dear, sweet girl is always a welcome distraction, even from returning Constantin's letters. Oh, Constantin! How beautifully you write, and how you make my heart sing with your words. Can it truly only be but less than a handful of days since we first met? We write to one another as though we had been intimate for a lifetime. How can this be? What wonderous act have I commited in the eyes of God and My Eternal Empress to deserve such happiness? I try to think what it could be, but I can think of nothing. I, low and wicked as I am, surely do not deserve a reward such as this, and yet, Darling Constantin, here you are?
That Constant Shadow whispers the most dreadful insecurites into my waking thoughts, but I must try not to give in to doubt. Perhaps this joy is just fleeting, but I must cherish it whilst I am able, before Darkness and Loneliness inevitably return.
20-02-YC121
He came! He came to Nakri, to our Estate. Dear, sweet Constantin came here.
Ishta has been staying with my family, continuing her studies and spiritual salvation with Father Mikhail (such patience he has), and I had been to see Felix, having found more useful junk for him Ishta was in the guest room, which has effectively become hers, listening to her music. I only decided to visit her on a whim, or at least that is what I had thought. I know now that it was Divine Guidance. We spoke about Sirna, briefly, how I had not seen or heard from her. I do not know why, but I told Ishta I was not going to wait for her sister any longer. Why should I? Regardless, in the middle of our conversation, Ishta received a message. I assumed that was Sirna, given the ironic humour the universe seems so fond of, especially as the caller quite boldly asked if they could be invited round, to see me specifically, not Ishta. It was then Ishta informed me it was someone from SFRIM, though I could not for the life of me imagine who. They also wished to remain anonymous! I suppose out of natural curiosity I agreed, although I was reasonably confident it could not be anyone untoward. Even stranger was the fact that no sooner had I agreed, Dzerzhinsky found me, in that way that he does no matter where one is, to inform me that this mysterious visitor, whom Dzerzhinsky would not name, had already arrived and was waiting in the Drawing Room! Having had my curiousity so piqued, I marching immediately there to see exactly who this person was.
Constantin!
I shall never forget seeing him stood there, his tall, majestic, handsome frame in the middle of our Drawing Room! He was every bit as breath-catching as when I had first met him. Dear Constantin! He even began with an apology for not having written first. Is he not just the finest, most polite gentleman in the entirety of New Eden? I sincerely believe that he is.
Our time together was fleetingly short, but it has made my heart and soul soar to see him, if only for thirty minutes. Oh, but I would be overjoyed to spend any amount of time with him, no matter how short or long. He gave me a kiss on the cheek (oh Constantin, I would have kissed you far more fervently had Dzerzhinsky not been present) and we parted, but I know in my heart we shall be together again soon. He has only just left, not more than ten minutes ago, and I shall fall asleep very soon with his kiss still warm on my cheek.
I blew a kiss after him as he left. I pray that my kiss keeps him safe until I have him in my arms again.
He came! He came to Nakri, to our Estate. Dear, sweet Constantin came here.
Ishta has been staying with my family, continuing her studies and spiritual salvation with Father Mikhail (such patience he has), and I had been to see Felix, having found more useful junk for him Ishta was in the guest room, which has effectively become hers, listening to her music. I only decided to visit her on a whim, or at least that is what I had thought. I know now that it was Divine Guidance. We spoke about Sirna, briefly, how I had not seen or heard from her. I do not know why, but I told Ishta I was not going to wait for her sister any longer. Why should I? Regardless, in the middle of our conversation, Ishta received a message. I assumed that was Sirna, given the ironic humour the universe seems so fond of, especially as the caller quite boldly asked if they could be invited round, to see me specifically, not Ishta. It was then Ishta informed me it was someone from SFRIM, though I could not for the life of me imagine who. They also wished to remain anonymous! I suppose out of natural curiosity I agreed, although I was reasonably confident it could not be anyone untoward. Even stranger was the fact that no sooner had I agreed, Dzerzhinsky found me, in that way that he does no matter where one is, to inform me that this mysterious visitor, whom Dzerzhinsky would not name, had already arrived and was waiting in the Drawing Room! Having had my curiousity so piqued, I marching immediately there to see exactly who this person was.
Constantin!
I shall never forget seeing him stood there, his tall, majestic, handsome frame in the middle of our Drawing Room! He was every bit as breath-catching as when I had first met him. Dear Constantin! He even began with an apology for not having written first. Is he not just the finest, most polite gentleman in the entirety of New Eden? I sincerely believe that he is.
Our time together was fleetingly short, but it has made my heart and soul soar to see him, if only for thirty minutes. Oh, but I would be overjoyed to spend any amount of time with him, no matter how short or long. He gave me a kiss on the cheek (oh Constantin, I would have kissed you far more fervently had Dzerzhinsky not been present) and we parted, but I know in my heart we shall be together again soon. He has only just left, not more than ten minutes ago, and I shall fall asleep very soon with his kiss still warm on my cheek.
I blew a kiss after him as he left. I pray that my kiss keeps him safe until I have him in my arms again.
18-02-YC121
The Blessings do not end!
Today I saw Alizabeth's Silver Magnate, TES Memini Jamyl. Such an honour to be allowed aboard. My weak words can never do justice to the beauty of that ship. I was so utterly lost in the artwork of her construction that I barely heard Aldrith and Alizabeth speaking. From the delicate filligree covering even the most basic bulkhead to the exquisite artisanship of the Ni-Kunni rugs and tapestries, I was transfixed. I shall never forget such beauty and magnificence even should I live a thousand years. I would never have imagined I would even see such a vessel from afar, let alone actually step aboard. I can close my eyes and still step through the hatch, spin around the lower deck as in a dream, then follow Aldrith and Alizabeth to the upper deck
I shall swear until the end of my days that as I ascended that ladder, I heard the distant harmonies of the Sefrim. My heart was pounding and my head spinning; in truth I must have been in some sort of Ecstasy.
Then I saw it. The Image. Her Image.
I am not ashamed to say that I wept. Of course I did. She looked exactly as She did the day She came to me in that pit. The day She lifted me up and Freed me. I saw Her Sacred Countenance, and I heard Her Divine Voice. She told me that which I needed to hear, and I have taken Her Instructions into my heart. I shall do as She Commands me, and in so doing I know that Our Cause is Pure and True. Amarr can never be defeated, never be humbled. We shall lay low all foes, all those who stand against us.
Not even the return of Nation to my home system worries me now, for I know with unshakeable certainly that Victory shall be Ours.
The Blessings do not end!
Today I saw Alizabeth's Silver Magnate, TES Memini Jamyl. Such an honour to be allowed aboard. My weak words can never do justice to the beauty of that ship. I was so utterly lost in the artwork of her construction that I barely heard Aldrith and Alizabeth speaking. From the delicate filligree covering even the most basic bulkhead to the exquisite artisanship of the Ni-Kunni rugs and tapestries, I was transfixed. I shall never forget such beauty and magnificence even should I live a thousand years. I would never have imagined I would even see such a vessel from afar, let alone actually step aboard. I can close my eyes and still step through the hatch, spin around the lower deck as in a dream, then follow Aldrith and Alizabeth to the upper deck
I shall swear until the end of my days that as I ascended that ladder, I heard the distant harmonies of the Sefrim. My heart was pounding and my head spinning; in truth I must have been in some sort of Ecstasy.
Then I saw it. The Image. Her Image.
I am not ashamed to say that I wept. Of course I did. She looked exactly as She did the day She came to me in that pit. The day She lifted me up and Freed me. I saw Her Sacred Countenance, and I heard Her Divine Voice. She told me that which I needed to hear, and I have taken Her Instructions into my heart. I shall do as She Commands me, and in so doing I know that Our Cause is Pure and True. Amarr can never be defeated, never be humbled. We shall lay low all foes, all those who stand against us.
Not even the return of Nation to my home system worries me now, for I know with unshakeable certainly that Victory shall be Ours.
17-02-YC121
God Smiles, and the whole of Creation changes!
Last night was the Ten Annivesary Celebrations for I-RED, a Caldari ally of ours. I must say that being asked to attend as a representative of PIE was rather a pleasant surprise. I would not have assumed that a lowly Ensign would be given such a privilege, but I was, in fact, the first of Praetorian to arrive, or perhaps the second - I think Commander Kley may have been there slightly before me, or perhaps very soon after. I am convinced she has still harbours suspicions that something inappropriate passed between Aldrith and I. I do hope she does not confront me over it.
There were so many important people there, it was quite a sight. Alizabeth (with quite simply the most enormous glass of beer I have ever seen; Sasha would be most impressed); Directrix Aspenstar and her assistant Aria; Garion Avarr; Director Avala; and so many more. Aldrith and Captain Elkin arrived just before the speeches, which were given over dinner. Dinner! My, Mama would have approved. Everyone's food looked absolutely exquisite, and I was treated to the most delicious confit salmon with pickled fennel!
Director Hinklemann is a very impressive and competent speaker, and his speeches on I-RED's history, changes, and plans for the future were, although brief, quite stirring and inspiring. Director Hinklemann was then followed by a singer, a Ms Scarlet Solange as I later learned. Such a beautiful voice! True, her songs were style popular in the Federation, but despite that they made very pleasant listening. One in particular, something about crying a river, was very moving. So much so I welcomed the fact that we were afterward free to walk in the gardens.
Such beautiful gardens they were! Every bit the rival of those of Admiral Newelle or Captain Elkin's estates, and in some ways surpassing even those magnificent creations. In particular was the exotic garden containing some of the most rare and unusual species of flora from the entirety of New Eden. Papa would adore it, as I am sure it would make him think of all things our family must have seen throughout generations of service with the 51st.
One thing I was most certainly not expecting to see was a very morose Commander Kley. I do not know how long she had been sat in the main garden, drinking alone, but it is clear she is not happy. From all she said, and she said some quite dreadful things, I am concerned that perhaps the Captains are not making best use of her talents. It is a shame to see such a valuable officer potentially wasted, but she wished to be alone and ordered me to go inside.
That was not much better. At some point that Caldari oaf, Adams, had shown up, with one of his new Gallente cronies in tow, and he was virtually drooling over some attractice starlet - another Gallente, of course. Poor thing looked utterly bored of him and his utter lack of decorum, I felt quite sorry for her.
Aldrith was also there, dancing with Director Avala. Perhaps it was just me, but Aldrith seemed to be enjoying himself a little too much, and I do note that Admiral Newelle was not present last night. It does make one wonder. In any event, I was beginning to think I would never get the opportunity to dance myself; and it was such a pity as the music by this time was much more sophisticated and fitting to the occasion.
That was when it all changed, and God Smiled upon me.
I have no idea where he came from. He just stepped out of the crowd, with Garion Avarr, gave the most gracious bow, and asked me for a dance! I am sure I must have replied with the most inane girlish comment, but he was far too polite and well-mannered to make anything of it. I said yes, what else could I do?
So I danced with a Bishop.
Bishop Constantin Baracca.
Such grace, such refinement. He must have either had formal training or much practice, for I have never met such a skilled and experienced dancer in all my life. Not a single foot wrong, and he was both gentle and confident in his lead. Such manners also. A True Amarrian Gentleman. I shall never forget that night, no matter how long I shall live. Nothing existed in that room save for Constantin and I, and I have never been happier. I can scarce find the correct words, indeed only one comes to mind with any ease-
Safe. I felt safe.
I had onyl expected one Amarrian Waltz, but at some point most of the crowd departed, and there were only a few left when the music changed to more traditional Ni-Kunni songs. We just kept dancing! Round and round and faster and faster. So exhilarating, and still Constantin was completely at ease with it all, as this were not only the most natural thing in the world, but also no more breathless than the simplest walk along a station boulevard. Even now I can hardly believe it was not some vivid and fantastic dream. Eventually it was too much for me. Too tired and too excited, I could not dance anymore, and I just fell into his arms.
He caught me as if I were the lightest of feathers. I lay there in his strong arms and despite myself looked into his eyes. He looked as happy as I felt. I think I said something inane again.
He walked me to my ship after that, my arm in his. He showed me his ship. Jerusalem, a Harbinger Navy-Issue. Absolutely beautiful! We chatted briefly, and then he gave me very sweet kiss on the cheek and said good night.
I do not know what possessed me to do it, what caused me to just throw caution to the wind, but I knew I had to. I could not resist, could not if I have wanted to - and I did not want to. I was walking back to Dido, I had every intention of just getting back on board and heading for home, when I did it; and Praise to God that I did! I shall never, ever regret it. I do not think he was expecting it when I turned around and marched, brazenly marched, right back up to him.
I kissed him. Full on the lips. Then left him there, just standing, probably wondering what had just happened.
I cannot stop thinking about him.
God Smiles, and the whole of Creation changes!
Last night was the Ten Annivesary Celebrations for I-RED, a Caldari ally of ours. I must say that being asked to attend as a representative of PIE was rather a pleasant surprise. I would not have assumed that a lowly Ensign would be given such a privilege, but I was, in fact, the first of Praetorian to arrive, or perhaps the second - I think Commander Kley may have been there slightly before me, or perhaps very soon after. I am convinced she has still harbours suspicions that something inappropriate passed between Aldrith and I. I do hope she does not confront me over it.
There were so many important people there, it was quite a sight. Alizabeth (with quite simply the most enormous glass of beer I have ever seen; Sasha would be most impressed); Directrix Aspenstar and her assistant Aria; Garion Avarr; Director Avala; and so many more. Aldrith and Captain Elkin arrived just before the speeches, which were given over dinner. Dinner! My, Mama would have approved. Everyone's food looked absolutely exquisite, and I was treated to the most delicious confit salmon with pickled fennel!
Director Hinklemann is a very impressive and competent speaker, and his speeches on I-RED's history, changes, and plans for the future were, although brief, quite stirring and inspiring. Director Hinklemann was then followed by a singer, a Ms Scarlet Solange as I later learned. Such a beautiful voice! True, her songs were style popular in the Federation, but despite that they made very pleasant listening. One in particular, something about crying a river, was very moving. So much so I welcomed the fact that we were afterward free to walk in the gardens.
Such beautiful gardens they were! Every bit the rival of those of Admiral Newelle or Captain Elkin's estates, and in some ways surpassing even those magnificent creations. In particular was the exotic garden containing some of the most rare and unusual species of flora from the entirety of New Eden. Papa would adore it, as I am sure it would make him think of all things our family must have seen throughout generations of service with the 51st.
One thing I was most certainly not expecting to see was a very morose Commander Kley. I do not know how long she had been sat in the main garden, drinking alone, but it is clear she is not happy. From all she said, and she said some quite dreadful things, I am concerned that perhaps the Captains are not making best use of her talents. It is a shame to see such a valuable officer potentially wasted, but she wished to be alone and ordered me to go inside.
That was not much better. At some point that Caldari oaf, Adams, had shown up, with one of his new Gallente cronies in tow, and he was virtually drooling over some attractice starlet - another Gallente, of course. Poor thing looked utterly bored of him and his utter lack of decorum, I felt quite sorry for her.
Aldrith was also there, dancing with Director Avala. Perhaps it was just me, but Aldrith seemed to be enjoying himself a little too much, and I do note that Admiral Newelle was not present last night. It does make one wonder. In any event, I was beginning to think I would never get the opportunity to dance myself; and it was such a pity as the music by this time was much more sophisticated and fitting to the occasion.
That was when it all changed, and God Smiled upon me.
I have no idea where he came from. He just stepped out of the crowd, with Garion Avarr, gave the most gracious bow, and asked me for a dance! I am sure I must have replied with the most inane girlish comment, but he was far too polite and well-mannered to make anything of it. I said yes, what else could I do?
So I danced with a Bishop.
Bishop Constantin Baracca.
Such grace, such refinement. He must have either had formal training or much practice, for I have never met such a skilled and experienced dancer in all my life. Not a single foot wrong, and he was both gentle and confident in his lead. Such manners also. A True Amarrian Gentleman. I shall never forget that night, no matter how long I shall live. Nothing existed in that room save for Constantin and I, and I have never been happier. I can scarce find the correct words, indeed only one comes to mind with any ease-
Safe. I felt safe.
I had onyl expected one Amarrian Waltz, but at some point most of the crowd departed, and there were only a few left when the music changed to more traditional Ni-Kunni songs. We just kept dancing! Round and round and faster and faster. So exhilarating, and still Constantin was completely at ease with it all, as this were not only the most natural thing in the world, but also no more breathless than the simplest walk along a station boulevard. Even now I can hardly believe it was not some vivid and fantastic dream. Eventually it was too much for me. Too tired and too excited, I could not dance anymore, and I just fell into his arms.
He caught me as if I were the lightest of feathers. I lay there in his strong arms and despite myself looked into his eyes. He looked as happy as I felt. I think I said something inane again.
He walked me to my ship after that, my arm in his. He showed me his ship. Jerusalem, a Harbinger Navy-Issue. Absolutely beautiful! We chatted briefly, and then he gave me very sweet kiss on the cheek and said good night.
I do not know what possessed me to do it, what caused me to just throw caution to the wind, but I knew I had to. I could not resist, could not if I have wanted to - and I did not want to. I was walking back to Dido, I had every intention of just getting back on board and heading for home, when I did it; and Praise to God that I did! I shall never, ever regret it. I do not think he was expecting it when I turned around and marched, brazenly marched, right back up to him.
I kissed him. Full on the lips. Then left him there, just standing, probably wondering what had just happened.
I cannot stop thinking about him.
15-02-YC121
Finally, Edward shows his true colours. I wonder what his price was, to join the Federation. To think that I believed all his grandiose speeches about the nbole cause of the State Militia, and now I discover he has betrayed the memories of all his fallen Comrades and joined the enemy. I weep for those poor lost heroes, I really. I pray that God will one day place him underneath my sights, that I may avenge such perfidy.
Largely, however, patrols have again been rather uneventful. It seems everyone, even the Tribals are avoiding me. I would like to imagine that it is out of fear of my martial prowess, but such a notion is beyond ridiculous. True, it provides opportunity to help secure strategic locations long enough for our regular military to reinforce whichever system I may be in, but I must confess, even the lack of enemy makes for a certain uncomfortable lonliness.
I had some opportunity to break that, at least for a small while. I am only permitted short visits home, but even a few hours amongst my family is enough to restore my spirits. This time, however, saw an unexpected visitor in Ishta. I have not seen her in some time. She spoke of having served on Thebeka, and I think it has affected her quite deeply. I can well understand that having to put down one's own people must be traumatic, even for someone of Ishta's background. Poor thing. I hope she continues her lessons with Father Mikhail. If anyone can save a soul, it is the Good Father - I know.
She called me "a good one". Oh, Ishta, despite your own claims, you do have a good soul. I only wish that I could think of myself as "a good one".
Sirna was on Thebeka too, apparently. She must have kept a low profile, or been most busy, or else I am sure Alexandr would have mentioned her being there. She has moved on again, to other work for Lord Pitoojee. Ishta, quite rightly, has no wish to continue being a messenger between her sister and I. I shall contact Sirna directly, and ask if she will agree to meet me. Perhaps she may reply this time, but I very much doubt it. Ishta says her sister is "in limbo". She is not the only one, but I must make a decision, no matter how difficult that may be.
Control informs me the enemy is inbound. I wonder if it is the turncoat? May God grant me Victory if it is.
Finally, Edward shows his true colours. I wonder what his price was, to join the Federation. To think that I believed all his grandiose speeches about the nbole cause of the State Militia, and now I discover he has betrayed the memories of all his fallen Comrades and joined the enemy. I weep for those poor lost heroes, I really. I pray that God will one day place him underneath my sights, that I may avenge such perfidy.
Largely, however, patrols have again been rather uneventful. It seems everyone, even the Tribals are avoiding me. I would like to imagine that it is out of fear of my martial prowess, but such a notion is beyond ridiculous. True, it provides opportunity to help secure strategic locations long enough for our regular military to reinforce whichever system I may be in, but I must confess, even the lack of enemy makes for a certain uncomfortable lonliness.
I had some opportunity to break that, at least for a small while. I am only permitted short visits home, but even a few hours amongst my family is enough to restore my spirits. This time, however, saw an unexpected visitor in Ishta. I have not seen her in some time. She spoke of having served on Thebeka, and I think it has affected her quite deeply. I can well understand that having to put down one's own people must be traumatic, even for someone of Ishta's background. Poor thing. I hope she continues her lessons with Father Mikhail. If anyone can save a soul, it is the Good Father - I know.
She called me "a good one". Oh, Ishta, despite your own claims, you do have a good soul. I only wish that I could think of myself as "a good one".
Sirna was on Thebeka too, apparently. She must have kept a low profile, or been most busy, or else I am sure Alexandr would have mentioned her being there. She has moved on again, to other work for Lord Pitoojee. Ishta, quite rightly, has no wish to continue being a messenger between her sister and I. I shall contact Sirna directly, and ask if she will agree to meet me. Perhaps she may reply this time, but I very much doubt it. Ishta says her sister is "in limbo". She is not the only one, but I must make a decision, no matter how difficult that may be.
Control informs me the enemy is inbound. I wonder if it is the turncoat? May God grant me Victory if it is.
12-02-YC121
God Forgive me, but I should be dead.
Dead, or at least lying unconscious in medicae. Yet I am here, writing this - a miracle I can only attribute to Her Mercy.
My anger got the better of me, again. One vicious comment from him and my heart was filled with fury. I barely remember fighting the drone, only that I must have overrode the safety protocols and set it to such a high skill level that I soon began to tire. I remember the call on my Neocomm, turning my head, distracted, and the cold edge of the drone's blade parting the flesh just below my jawline. After that, it is only a blur; swimming, unclear images, some as though I were watching from afar at the bloody, yet surreally calm scene.
The call was from Directrix Aspenstar, but I do not recall the subject about which we talked. I stood there, I think, holding a dressing against my wound, for a full ten, perhaps fifteen minutes. It was only after the call ended that I finally collapsed, from shock, perhaps blood loss. These things I am told by the Doctor. The only thing I recall clearly is a feeling that came over me a moment before I fell - a feeling of warmth, of safety, as though I were under the most resilient protection, a security that could never fail or falter.
Her
I do not even recall coming round, but by all accounts by the time I did a proper dressing had been applied to the wound. I could not, surely, have done such a thing myself, but no-one was there with me, at least, no-one physical. I made me way back home to Nakri, though I do not recall that journey, either. Yet there I was when Commander Kley came to fetch me and drive me to medicae. More Doctor's reports, no doubt.
Commander Kley informs me I have caused some concern for the Admirals. That I should come to their attention because of this, because of foolish anger and inward rage - I fear that my time with PIE is to be short-lived. If that is so, it is no more than I deserve, but I will find another way to serve God, serve Amarr.
Serve Her!
God Forgive me, but I should be dead.
Dead, or at least lying unconscious in medicae. Yet I am here, writing this - a miracle I can only attribute to Her Mercy.
My anger got the better of me, again. One vicious comment from him and my heart was filled with fury. I barely remember fighting the drone, only that I must have overrode the safety protocols and set it to such a high skill level that I soon began to tire. I remember the call on my Neocomm, turning my head, distracted, and the cold edge of the drone's blade parting the flesh just below my jawline. After that, it is only a blur; swimming, unclear images, some as though I were watching from afar at the bloody, yet surreally calm scene.
The call was from Directrix Aspenstar, but I do not recall the subject about which we talked. I stood there, I think, holding a dressing against my wound, for a full ten, perhaps fifteen minutes. It was only after the call ended that I finally collapsed, from shock, perhaps blood loss. These things I am told by the Doctor. The only thing I recall clearly is a feeling that came over me a moment before I fell - a feeling of warmth, of safety, as though I were under the most resilient protection, a security that could never fail or falter.
Her
I do not even recall coming round, but by all accounts by the time I did a proper dressing had been applied to the wound. I could not, surely, have done such a thing myself, but no-one was there with me, at least, no-one physical. I made me way back home to Nakri, though I do not recall that journey, either. Yet there I was when Commander Kley came to fetch me and drive me to medicae. More Doctor's reports, no doubt.
Commander Kley informs me I have caused some concern for the Admirals. That I should come to their attention because of this, because of foolish anger and inward rage - I fear that my time with PIE is to be short-lived. If that is so, it is no more than I deserve, but I will find another way to serve God, serve Amarr.
Serve Her!
09-02-YC121
Wheresoever I may go, he is there, as though her were some haunting embodiment of my ever-present Shadow; and yet, at least this time, I should be grateful for his presence.
After some thought I decided some exercise before leaving for the warzone would probably be the wisest course of action.
I overrode the safety protocols on the drone. I am pushing myself, perhaps too much, perhaps not. After Aldrith, after not hearing from anyone, I have been feeling distant, detached again. At least when the drones catch me, I feel some connection to the world, feel some sensation. As long as I am fast enough, the cuts are never so deep.
I was too tired, too distracted,too slow. It caught me, across the cheek. It is still sore now. It may scar, I am not sure. Just another Souvenir. Another among many.
That is when he got involved. I am still not sure what he threw at it exactly, but whatever it was, he aimed well. I did not see because I was too busy being weak. I do not remember what I spoke about, only that it was in my mother-tongue, so I doubt he understand anything. He just held me, calmed me, comforted me. Caring and compassionate. I think I said things I should have said. Things a lover would say. It was not who I thought it was.
He was angry, I think mostly because he cannot understand. No-one does; and I cannot explain. It cannot be put into words, this feeling, this need to do these things. Perhaps he was angry because he does care, somewhere deep down, but I think more likely because he does not know why. I fled, like a weak coward, but I could not let him see anymore. I hope he does not tell anyone. If they know in PIE how pathetic I am, I think I
I cannot even write it. How weak.
Wheresoever I may go, he is there, as though her were some haunting embodiment of my ever-present Shadow; and yet, at least this time, I should be grateful for his presence.
After some thought I decided some exercise before leaving for the warzone would probably be the wisest course of action.
I overrode the safety protocols on the drone. I am pushing myself, perhaps too much, perhaps not. After Aldrith, after not hearing from anyone, I have been feeling distant, detached again. At least when the drones catch me, I feel some connection to the world, feel some sensation. As long as I am fast enough, the cuts are never so deep.
I was too tired, too distracted,too slow. It caught me, across the cheek. It is still sore now. It may scar, I am not sure. Just another Souvenir. Another among many.
That is when he got involved. I am still not sure what he threw at it exactly, but whatever it was, he aimed well. I did not see because I was too busy being weak. I do not remember what I spoke about, only that it was in my mother-tongue, so I doubt he understand anything. He just held me, calmed me, comforted me. Caring and compassionate. I think I said things I should have said. Things a lover would say. It was not who I thought it was.
He was angry, I think mostly because he cannot understand. No-one does; and I cannot explain. It cannot be put into words, this feeling, this need to do these things. Perhaps he was angry because he does care, somewhere deep down, but I think more likely because he does not know why. I fled, like a weak coward, but I could not let him see anymore. I hope he does not tell anyone. If they know in PIE how pathetic I am, I think I
I cannot even write it. How weak.
08-02-YC121
Four days in the warzone. I had hoped my head would be clearer, but it is not. There has been little real action, a couple of minor events, but nothing noteworthy. For the most part I have helped to secure tactical locations.
I have heard very little from anyone. Letters from home, of course, which are always a joy - Felix has been concentrating on production efficiency or somesuch - but nothing from Ishta, nothing from Sirna, nothing from Commander Adams - not that that is any bad thing - but, most disappointing of all, nothing from Amadin.
I suppose it serves me right for getting my hopes up that someone good might like me. He could probably tell there is something not right with me, or he spoke to people and they told him I was not worth the trouble. I am better off staying right here at the front.
I have spent a little time at the Cafe, when I can, or rather when I feel I can. I met that young Liana again. She is a sweet innocent creature, very good natured, but terribly unco-ordinated. It is something of a wonder that she has not badly injured herself. I feel myself being quite protective over her. My innocence was lost long ago, I would fight like fury to protect it in others. Perhaps we may become friends. Unless I scare her away, of course.
I was also invited along to a Mercantile Club in The State, accompanying Aldrith. I have to say I was rather reluctant to go. To spend any time with him is so precious, but I know Commander Kley still has her suspicions that Aldrith and I have been having an affair, and I am concerned such rumours may be spreading. I rather not jeopardise Aldrith's marriage, his happiness means to much.
It should not make me cry to write that, but it does.
Aldrith was meeting Admiral Newelle's retainer, Alizabeth, and one Julianni Avala, a Director in I-RED, if I remember correctly. Aldrith calling me a "lovely woman and a staunch comrade" rather threw me for a moment, and I do not quite recall the introductions clearly. That said, he referred to his wife in most glowing terms. Yet why should he not? She is his wife. You, Katya, are most certainly not.
I am not certain why Aldrith want me to be there. I am not in the least important enough to meet such prestigious people. However, Alizabeth did offer a tour of her Silver Magnate to everyone, including me. I am sure she was just being polite, and I shall not expect it to actually come about. Sasha will be ever so jealous if it does, though - he has admired Alizabeth since watching the Amarr Championships. Aldrith ordered Alizabeth and I to "get along". I am sure an order is not necessary. I sense there is something that Alizabeth and I have in common, though I am not sure what it is exactly. I think, though, that we will be friends.
I escort Aldrith to his shuttle. He said he was grateful to me for looking after him following Captain Elkin's Dinner. What else would I have done? Even if I did not love him, he is my Captain, it is my duty to sacrifice myself for his wellbeing. Oh, Aldrith, if only you knew the truth, I fear you may not be so grateful at all.
I had better go back on duty. I shall perhaps do some exercise first.
Four days in the warzone. I had hoped my head would be clearer, but it is not. There has been little real action, a couple of minor events, but nothing noteworthy. For the most part I have helped to secure tactical locations.
I have heard very little from anyone. Letters from home, of course, which are always a joy - Felix has been concentrating on production efficiency or somesuch - but nothing from Ishta, nothing from Sirna, nothing from Commander Adams - not that that is any bad thing - but, most disappointing of all, nothing from Amadin.
I suppose it serves me right for getting my hopes up that someone good might like me. He could probably tell there is something not right with me, or he spoke to people and they told him I was not worth the trouble. I am better off staying right here at the front.
I have spent a little time at the Cafe, when I can, or rather when I feel I can. I met that young Liana again. She is a sweet innocent creature, very good natured, but terribly unco-ordinated. It is something of a wonder that she has not badly injured herself. I feel myself being quite protective over her. My innocence was lost long ago, I would fight like fury to protect it in others. Perhaps we may become friends. Unless I scare her away, of course.
I was also invited along to a Mercantile Club in The State, accompanying Aldrith. I have to say I was rather reluctant to go. To spend any time with him is so precious, but I know Commander Kley still has her suspicions that Aldrith and I have been having an affair, and I am concerned such rumours may be spreading. I rather not jeopardise Aldrith's marriage, his happiness means to much.
It should not make me cry to write that, but it does.
Aldrith was meeting Admiral Newelle's retainer, Alizabeth, and one Julianni Avala, a Director in I-RED, if I remember correctly. Aldrith calling me a "lovely woman and a staunch comrade" rather threw me for a moment, and I do not quite recall the introductions clearly. That said, he referred to his wife in most glowing terms. Yet why should he not? She is his wife. You, Katya, are most certainly not.
I am not certain why Aldrith want me to be there. I am not in the least important enough to meet such prestigious people. However, Alizabeth did offer a tour of her Silver Magnate to everyone, including me. I am sure she was just being polite, and I shall not expect it to actually come about. Sasha will be ever so jealous if it does, though - he has admired Alizabeth since watching the Amarr Championships. Aldrith ordered Alizabeth and I to "get along". I am sure an order is not necessary. I sense there is something that Alizabeth and I have in common, though I am not sure what it is exactly. I think, though, that we will be friends.
I escort Aldrith to his shuttle. He said he was grateful to me for looking after him following Captain Elkin's Dinner. What else would I have done? Even if I did not love him, he is my Captain, it is my duty to sacrifice myself for his wellbeing. Oh, Aldrith, if only you knew the truth, I fear you may not be so grateful at all.
I had better go back on duty. I shall perhaps do some exercise first.
04-02-YC121
I delayed leaving for the warzone for a day. With Sasha now back I wanted to spend a little bit more time with him, and I did not want to upset Mama by having one arrive just to have another leave almost immediately. I am glad I did stay, not only because Sasha is full of exciting stories from Thebeka, but also because I found out some quite interesting little facts about someone else.
I went Mehatoor to collect a few things before going to the front proper, and stopped by Cafe Marlinea. They do the most delightful Medovik, and have quite an impressive selection of teas. It was surprisingly busy. Directrix Aspenstar was there, in conversation, surprisingly with Nauplius, whom everyone calls a heretic and yet talks to; Commander Kley, who I am sure has her suspicions regarding Aldrith and I, was there with, Samira, I believe her name is.(not the Traitor, of course); the young girl from Captain Elkin's Dinner who was with Commander Adams, ever such a sweet looking little thing; and, of course, inevitably, Commander Adams himself - oddly he was not paying the least attention to his former companion; perhaps there is nothing going there. I do hope he has not treated her badly then cast her aside, she is far to dainty a thing for that sort of treatment.
He noticed, of course, and wandered over uninvited. We made idle conversation - during which Commander Kley left, giving me the most awfully suspicious glare as she did so - and then he finally showed his true colours, boasting with sheer arrogance about how he had helped a certain group during the Thebeka Operation.
Electus Matari.
I can only assume they paid him handsomely for his time. He pretends it was in retaliation for the Empire not having done enough against the Cartel in the area. Whilst I can appreciate some of his reasoning, it is most certainly not his place to question how PIE or any other of the Empire's Faithful prioritise our enemies. We are beset by many that seek to destroy us, and we must deal with the most dangerous first. I despise the Cartel after what they did to me, gifting me their hateful Souvenirs, but they are not the most immediate threat to our way of life, our very existence, our Motherland. Venegence will come, in time.
I let him drone on a little longer. I cannot even remember what, if anything, I said in response.
It seems he has chosen a very different path to one I had hoped for.
It is as God Wills.
I delayed leaving for the warzone for a day. With Sasha now back I wanted to spend a little bit more time with him, and I did not want to upset Mama by having one arrive just to have another leave almost immediately. I am glad I did stay, not only because Sasha is full of exciting stories from Thebeka, but also because I found out some quite interesting little facts about someone else.
I went Mehatoor to collect a few things before going to the front proper, and stopped by Cafe Marlinea. They do the most delightful Medovik, and have quite an impressive selection of teas. It was surprisingly busy. Directrix Aspenstar was there, in conversation, surprisingly with Nauplius, whom everyone calls a heretic and yet talks to; Commander Kley, who I am sure has her suspicions regarding Aldrith and I, was there with, Samira, I believe her name is.(not the Traitor, of course); the young girl from Captain Elkin's Dinner who was with Commander Adams, ever such a sweet looking little thing; and, of course, inevitably, Commander Adams himself - oddly he was not paying the least attention to his former companion; perhaps there is nothing going there. I do hope he has not treated her badly then cast her aside, she is far to dainty a thing for that sort of treatment.
He noticed, of course, and wandered over uninvited. We made idle conversation - during which Commander Kley left, giving me the most awfully suspicious glare as she did so - and then he finally showed his true colours, boasting with sheer arrogance about how he had helped a certain group during the Thebeka Operation.
Electus Matari.
I can only assume they paid him handsomely for his time. He pretends it was in retaliation for the Empire not having done enough against the Cartel in the area. Whilst I can appreciate some of his reasoning, it is most certainly not his place to question how PIE or any other of the Empire's Faithful prioritise our enemies. We are beset by many that seek to destroy us, and we must deal with the most dangerous first. I despise the Cartel after what they did to me, gifting me their hateful Souvenirs, but they are not the most immediate threat to our way of life, our very existence, our Motherland. Venegence will come, in time.
I let him drone on a little longer. I cannot even remember what, if anything, I said in response.
It seems he has chosen a very different path to one I had hoped for.
It is as God Wills.
03-02-YC121
I should stay in the warzone. It is safer and far less complicated.
Captain Elkin's Victory Dinner was, for the most part, as excellent as I had expected it to be. The music, supplied by Commander Kley on the piano no less (a most accomplished pianist she is), was absolutely exquisite. The finest food and drink were available, and the company, again for the most part, was absolutely without parallel. The hostess, of course, looked utterly divine - Captain Elkin is the height of sophistication. She has every right to be proud. I have even heard it mentioned by Mother and her society circles today.
I hope, however, that some things shall become more common knowledge.
I arrived a little later than I intended - the burdens of duty - and dear Amadin was already there. I found him just finishing a dance with Directrix Aspenstar (who also looked a picture of beauty). I admit that I may have felt a little jealous, weak that I am, but that was quikcly dispelled when he came hurrying over as soon as he saw me. It was a joy to see him, of course, but that joy was too short lived. His own duties had to take him away almost immediately. I wonder if I shall ever get to dance at one of these soirees.
I spent some time in the gardens, again a most wonderous delight. Perhaps is was the disappointment, or something else, but I should not have gone there alone. It took all my will to quieten that inner Shadow that would have delighted in plaguing me with dark thoughts. Yet beat it back I did. Just. It was some relief to meet the Directrix there, our conversation giving welcome distraction. We spoke of Amadin, mostly. It appears she has wanted to recuit him to SFRIM. I agree that perhaps he may be better suited to be under the Directrix's wise guidance, and even if he does join SFRIM, that does not mean I would not see him. It may give opportunity to strengthen ties between SFRIM and PIE.
There was some sort of altercation in the evening. An intruder. Not a dangerous one - I understand it was a capsuleer named Arrendis, a recent enemy in Thebeka - but how she got past security I do not know. They dealt with it, of course. Unfortunately, this incident appeared to have a rather negative impact on Aldrith, and the Directrix and I caught him sitting alone, in the garden, having had a little too much to drink - Aldrith never was a drinker.
That is when things began to get a little unexpected.
Oh, Aldrith, you could not have even piloted a child's drone across the gardens in your state! Fortunately, almost everyone had left by this point - I briefly saw Commander Adams, an unwelcome surprise guest, I must say, but he did not see me. He was with a rather pretty innocent young lady, but he seemed to be largely ignoring her. Count yourself blessed if that is case with that wolf, my dear. I knew I could not leave Aldrith to find his own way home, and it is my duty to ensure the safety of my superior officers. So, after saying goodbye to Directrix Aspenstar, I helped Aldrith to the shuttles. I note that Admiral Newelle had left long before this. Still, that is her business, not mine.
I am not sure what it was exactly - a sixth sense, my scout training, God watching over me (or Her, more likely) - but I checked Local traffic before we got in that shuttle. It is most fortunate I did, for the Blooder, Anyanka Funk - or whatever her name is - was in system. I have been informed that this vile heretic has declared openly that she is hunting me personally. Going anywhere off-planet with Aldrith would have placed him at an unacceptable level of risk. So I did what any good scout out on their own would do, should do. I used my initiative and took a decision on the best course of action.
I cannot believe I booked myself and Aldrith into a hotel!
A respectable, reputable one, of course; and one where a little compensation for such service at short notice should ensure that no untoward rumours surface. We would not want a scandal. Separate rooms goes without saying.
I did not use my room. Aldrith had already been ill earlier, and I was so worried about him vomiting in his sleep, I stayed in with him, sleeping a little on the chaise longue. I also sent Admiral Newelle a message, letting her know Aldrith was safe and in my care. God forbid that any scurrilous rumours should reach her ears. Yet, I did not tell her the whole truth. Not the truth of my feelings. Not the truth of how I wished that night had gone. Not the real truth.
That had I but had the opportunity, I would have slept with her husband.
Oh, Aldrith. Watching you there, taking care of you, I could not keep the truth from myself. I never have. I love and adore you. I have loved you for so long, since the days we first met. I never had the courage, but I would have told you last night. I would have told you how I wanted you. I did want him. Damn the consequences, but I did want him. Wanted to feel his weight on top of me, feel him moving with me. Just feel him.
He awoke earlier than I expected him to. I fixed him breakfast and a family hangover cure (thank you for teaching that recipe to me, Grandpapa, I think this may be your finest hour!). He left for home soon after, and I made my own way a little while later. I have no idea what possessed me to contact headquarters and ask Commander Kley if Admiral Newelle had reported in. Now the Commander I am sure is suspicious that something happened, though she is not certain it was even Aldrith. I do not know what the Admiral thinks. She sent a reply thanking me for looking after her husband - the Lord Consort as she phrased it - and, so far, I am still in PIE. The whole episode has just left me confused and torn. I would have thrown it all away for just one night with him. I hope Admiral Newelle knows just how lucky she is to have him.
I shall leave for the warzone tomorrow. Perhaps some distance will help.
I should stay in the warzone. It is safer and far less complicated.
Captain Elkin's Victory Dinner was, for the most part, as excellent as I had expected it to be. The music, supplied by Commander Kley on the piano no less (a most accomplished pianist she is), was absolutely exquisite. The finest food and drink were available, and the company, again for the most part, was absolutely without parallel. The hostess, of course, looked utterly divine - Captain Elkin is the height of sophistication. She has every right to be proud. I have even heard it mentioned by Mother and her society circles today.
I hope, however, that some things shall become more common knowledge.
I arrived a little later than I intended - the burdens of duty - and dear Amadin was already there. I found him just finishing a dance with Directrix Aspenstar (who also looked a picture of beauty). I admit that I may have felt a little jealous, weak that I am, but that was quikcly dispelled when he came hurrying over as soon as he saw me. It was a joy to see him, of course, but that joy was too short lived. His own duties had to take him away almost immediately. I wonder if I shall ever get to dance at one of these soirees.
I spent some time in the gardens, again a most wonderous delight. Perhaps is was the disappointment, or something else, but I should not have gone there alone. It took all my will to quieten that inner Shadow that would have delighted in plaguing me with dark thoughts. Yet beat it back I did. Just. It was some relief to meet the Directrix there, our conversation giving welcome distraction. We spoke of Amadin, mostly. It appears she has wanted to recuit him to SFRIM. I agree that perhaps he may be better suited to be under the Directrix's wise guidance, and even if he does join SFRIM, that does not mean I would not see him. It may give opportunity to strengthen ties between SFRIM and PIE.
There was some sort of altercation in the evening. An intruder. Not a dangerous one - I understand it was a capsuleer named Arrendis, a recent enemy in Thebeka - but how she got past security I do not know. They dealt with it, of course. Unfortunately, this incident appeared to have a rather negative impact on Aldrith, and the Directrix and I caught him sitting alone, in the garden, having had a little too much to drink - Aldrith never was a drinker.
That is when things began to get a little unexpected.
Oh, Aldrith, you could not have even piloted a child's drone across the gardens in your state! Fortunately, almost everyone had left by this point - I briefly saw Commander Adams, an unwelcome surprise guest, I must say, but he did not see me. He was with a rather pretty innocent young lady, but he seemed to be largely ignoring her. Count yourself blessed if that is case with that wolf, my dear. I knew I could not leave Aldrith to find his own way home, and it is my duty to ensure the safety of my superior officers. So, after saying goodbye to Directrix Aspenstar, I helped Aldrith to the shuttles. I note that Admiral Newelle had left long before this. Still, that is her business, not mine.
I am not sure what it was exactly - a sixth sense, my scout training, God watching over me (or Her, more likely) - but I checked Local traffic before we got in that shuttle. It is most fortunate I did, for the Blooder, Anyanka Funk - or whatever her name is - was in system. I have been informed that this vile heretic has declared openly that she is hunting me personally. Going anywhere off-planet with Aldrith would have placed him at an unacceptable level of risk. So I did what any good scout out on their own would do, should do. I used my initiative and took a decision on the best course of action.
I cannot believe I booked myself and Aldrith into a hotel!
A respectable, reputable one, of course; and one where a little compensation for such service at short notice should ensure that no untoward rumours surface. We would not want a scandal. Separate rooms goes without saying.
I did not use my room. Aldrith had already been ill earlier, and I was so worried about him vomiting in his sleep, I stayed in with him, sleeping a little on the chaise longue. I also sent Admiral Newelle a message, letting her know Aldrith was safe and in my care. God forbid that any scurrilous rumours should reach her ears. Yet, I did not tell her the whole truth. Not the truth of my feelings. Not the truth of how I wished that night had gone. Not the real truth.
That had I but had the opportunity, I would have slept with her husband.
Oh, Aldrith. Watching you there, taking care of you, I could not keep the truth from myself. I never have. I love and adore you. I have loved you for so long, since the days we first met. I never had the courage, but I would have told you last night. I would have told you how I wanted you. I did want him. Damn the consequences, but I did want him. Wanted to feel his weight on top of me, feel him moving with me. Just feel him.
He awoke earlier than I expected him to. I fixed him breakfast and a family hangover cure (thank you for teaching that recipe to me, Grandpapa, I think this may be your finest hour!). He left for home soon after, and I made my own way a little while later. I have no idea what possessed me to contact headquarters and ask Commander Kley if Admiral Newelle had reported in. Now the Commander I am sure is suspicious that something happened, though she is not certain it was even Aldrith. I do not know what the Admiral thinks. She sent a reply thanking me for looking after her husband - the Lord Consort as she phrased it - and, so far, I am still in PIE. The whole episode has just left me confused and torn. I would have thrown it all away for just one night with him. I hope Admiral Newelle knows just how lucky she is to have him.
I shall leave for the warzone tomorrow. Perhaps some distance will help.
01-02-YC121
Sasha is back!
I honestly thought Mama was going to suffocate him, she just would not let him go. It was so sweet. To think that he has survived some rather horrendous fighting against rebels and saboteurs, (I know he is primarily involved in Intelligence, but he did see some action), and then came close to being hugged to death by his own doting Mother. She then attempted to explode him from the inside by insisting he had lost too much weight and that he had to make it back there and then. Of course, Ankine was only too happy to get things under way in the kitchen. She and Mother only encourage each other when it comes to ensuring people are well fed.
Felix had come to collect some items I had stored for him, and he had Ramina with him. Felix took the opportunity to interrogate our poor little brother about his time planetside. Sasha, of course, only had eyes and ears for Ramina. It is rather cute, but I am not sure if Mother and Father would approve of anything happening between their youngest son and the daughter of family that have been our indentured servants for generations. Still, if God Wills it...
Captain Elkin's celebration is tomorrow. I am very much looking forward to being there, and to seeing Amadin, of course.
Sasha is back!
I honestly thought Mama was going to suffocate him, she just would not let him go. It was so sweet. To think that he has survived some rather horrendous fighting against rebels and saboteurs, (I know he is primarily involved in Intelligence, but he did see some action), and then came close to being hugged to death by his own doting Mother. She then attempted to explode him from the inside by insisting he had lost too much weight and that he had to make it back there and then. Of course, Ankine was only too happy to get things under way in the kitchen. She and Mother only encourage each other when it comes to ensuring people are well fed.
Felix had come to collect some items I had stored for him, and he had Ramina with him. Felix took the opportunity to interrogate our poor little brother about his time planetside. Sasha, of course, only had eyes and ears for Ramina. It is rather cute, but I am not sure if Mother and Father would approve of anything happening between their youngest son and the daughter of family that have been our indentured servants for generations. Still, if God Wills it...
Captain Elkin's celebration is tomorrow. I am very much looking forward to being there, and to seeing Amadin, of course.
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