You're where the Wild Things are...

An in-character blog set in the universe of EVE Online. These are the private diary entries of Lady Ekaterina Mariya deSilvestris, a minor Amarrian Noble and Capsuleer. Other existing characters within EVE will be referred to throughout, though any opinions and views expressed are those of this character. These entries may touch on or directly address mature themes such as violence, sexuality, race and ethnicity, and mental health. As noted, any views are those of the character.

Before we begin, I feel it important to say a few words on the subject of mental health. Ekaterina, or Ekat as many call her, is something of a troubled soul. This aspect of her character is a personal choice I have made, for very personal reasons. Although EVE is a game in which the players can immerse themselves to a greater or lesser degree as they wish, mental health is a very real issue for many people. Those two simple words cover a myriad different issues and concerns that affect people directly or indirectly every day all, over the world.

If you find yourself affected by any issues touched upon in these posts, or if you face your own troubles, please know that there are people out there you can turn to; doctors, friends, family - there is ALWAYS someone. If you are an EVE player, then Broadcast 4 Reps chat is available, staffed by wonderfully kind and good-hearted volunteers. If you know of someone who has mental health issues, then please just let them know you are there. It doesn't have to be anything big, just a smile, a cup of tea, a quick phone call about last night's game - just a little thing to show they aren't forgotten.

You Never Fly Alone.
26-01-YC122

Damn Ishta and her interfering!  I would have been in the warzone far sooner if had not been for her deciding I needed rescuing from myself.  That stupid maid is really to blame.  How anyone can not know to knock before entering, I fail to understand.  I am of a mind to have her dismissed, and ensure she never works again.  It is because of her and Ishta that I shall not be sending the present I had in mind, though, on reflection, perhaps it was not the wisest of decisions.

My mind was not focused, which has cost me a Coercer-class.  I cannot deny I was disheartened, after I had come so close to destroying an enemy Thorax.  I think he must have seen me as easy prey, but after rapidly taking him into his structure, I am sure he thought otherwise.  How unfortunate I could not prevent his warping away.  I must reconsider the fitting on that vessel.

I should have left the area, but I was far too focused on attempting to secure the strategic point, and did not react fast enough when more enemy appeared.  I suppose I cannot be too hard on myself.  Three against one was hardly a fair encounter, but then what can one expect from Tribals.

Aldrith was, as always, wonderful at helping regain my confidence and focus, and, in the end, I went on to assist in the destruction of three of the enemy.  I was even awarded a killmail myself!  A shame that Riccoda had stepped down from the fleet at that point, I think he would have been rather proud, and it would have been an excellent excuse to share a drink with him afterwards.

As it was, once I came off duty myself, I returned straight to my quarters, to find a notification that a contract had been issued to me in Amarr.  I was always of the understanding the individual issuing was always indentified in the contract, but this, strangely, appears to be anonymous.  My initial assumption was, of course, that incorrigible rogue Adams and another one of his insufferable whimsical gestures, but the nature of the present leads me to believe that may not be so.

It is a ship.  Gah'Matar had been kind enough to gift me, and Riccoda, a Slicer or two earlier, and I am confident it was not him.  It is a Confessor-class, and it is beautiful.  It has even been given a SKIN, the one called Cold Iron.  I have been thinking of a Confessor-class for some time, and the operations to which I may put it, so it was an insightful gift, though I recall speaking only to Commander Kley about such things, and I am absolutely sure it would not be her.  More than anything, it is the name it has been given that makes me suspiciousm but why such a gift, or any gift, would come from that person, I cannot fathom - or perhaps, I would rather not dwell on the implications, lest I read too much into nothing.

It has been named "Star of Amarr".

That is what Constantin used to call me.
24-01-YC122

Khuyovo!

Humiliation.  That is what it is.  The Archbishop and his whore publically announcing their intention to court!  Court!  As if whatever animalistic rutting that passes for pairing off for Tribals could ever be considered an actual Courtship.  It offends the beauty of that word.

Yet this is beyond my emotions.  To think that an heir to a vassal of an Amarrian Heir Family could ever enter into a legal union with some pizda from a Tribal Clan!  Surely anyone with even the tiniest sense of loyalty to our Motherland must see the implications that this will have?  Will Ardishapur really let this happen?  What if this union produces offspring?  Are we to allow Tribal half-breeds to inherit the position of Amarrian nobility?  Why not simply surrender everything to them now?  I am of a very strong mind to petition Ardishapur - and just as publically.

Of course, people will simply say it is the raving of a jealous lover.  Yes, I still love him, though I shall never admit that openly.  The thought of his foolishness and what it will mean, the damage it shall undoubtedly do, brings great pain to me.  Yet perhaps Ishta is correct in what she says.  Perhaps it is not my business, not my concern.  I should simply move on, as she phrases it.

Would that it were so easy.  No-one seems to understand, except, ironically, Constantin himself, that I cannot simply forget my feelings, drop my emotions as though they were trinkets to discard.  Have I not tried?  Or perhaps I have not tried hard enough.  Perhaps I should just cut the feeling of love out of me.  Bleed out my emotions onto the floor, for what does spilled blood ever matter?  It is as inconsequential as spilled wine. Spilled tears.

Blood and wine.  Both as meaningless and fleeting as each other, and here I am with only a bottle and a knife, my Old Friend, for company.

Ishta is right - but there is something I need to do first.

I should send the happy couple a gift.
22-01-YC122

Sasha is recovering well.  The Tribals were so cruel to him, and we are so fortunate that Ishta was so quickly to his rescue, and that of the team.  She is truly a Blessed Warrior of God, and perhaps God has smiled upon Sasha in granting him Ishta, just as God smiled upon me when She saved me from my ordeal with the Angels.  The day Ishta is finally a part of our family cannot come soon enough.

I partook in another patrol in the warzone.  We almost caught some pirate, but he was quite difficult to trap, and unfortunately managed to escape, though not before we gave him some serious damage.  I also took some damage, but not from him, rather from a Tribal wartarget who happened to pass by.  They landed as we were dealing with the pirate, and was lucky enough to strike me, but appeared to think much better of it once they realised my Punisher-class was not going to be quickly defeated and there were far more of us than there was of him!

I enjoyed the patrol. I should do more.  Whilst I cannot deny that some of the Tribals have earned my respect, the majority of them are still the rabid pack they have always been and shall no doubt continue to be.

Papa has spoken of reorganising the Household Forces, and perhaps recruiting in Nakri to bolster our numbers.  I personally think it is an excellent idea, for I have no doubt that we shall be called upon by Sarum to provide further support in the war-effort.   Of course, we shall continue to focus upon our family's age-old speciality. but more basic firepower would never go amiss.  Papa also spoke of making good use of Ishta's knowledge, experience, and abilities, perhaps along the lines of more internally-focused security.  We shall have to see what she thinks, of course, but I cannot imagine Lord Pitoojee shall be overly supportive.  It is such a shame he cannot see her real potential, though we are perhaps fortunate that he does not see her true nature!
13-01-YC122

I think I have changed my opinion of Vess.  At first I felt rather vindicated when she changed her tone to one far more humble, but I believe she is genuinely appreciative of my gesture regarding repatriating the Minmatar fallen.  Genuine I am, for I see no reason to maltreat those who gave their lives so bravely.  I have contacted local Minmatar Commanders to arrange the transfer of the deceased, and will speak with Amarr Commanders in the area to ensure it goes smoothly.

Of course, unsurprisingly, the Tribal propaganda machine has lurched into action, spreading stories about Amarrian atrocities.  All unverified, all unsourced.  Hearsay, at best.  What is most infuriating is that such things most likely have happened.  Carried out by undisciplined, dishonourable troops.  If the Minmatar actually only presented some solid evidence for these outrageous acts, we could investigate and bring the perpetrators to justice.  Yet all they do is spin wild, lurid stories, and all that will do in turn is incite the Minmatar population to violence against anyone they believe to be a colloborator, or else encourage young, raw, inexperienced men and women - no more than girls and boys, in fact - to take up vigilante arms against seasoned, trained Amarr combat personnel.  Imagine if some village youths picked up weapons against our Household Naval Infantry!  Those youngsters would be slaughtered!  It is irresponsible.  Wars should be fought by soldiers, not by civilians.

They would never dare publish what happened in East Hav - the truth that an Amarrian actually helped Minmatar civilians.

Something is not right and I cannot fathom what it is.  I joined a patrol in the warzone yesterday, and although I managed to destroy an enemy pod - which felt as exhilirating as it always does - I was a fraction too slow to destroy his ship.  Then we managed to net another, but when I reached the scene, instead of locking onto the target, I jumped through the Gate!  I even missed the defence of our station later because my pod connections were malfunctioning.  It is exceptionally frustrating.  Is it that I do not like to be parted from Lilya?  I barely saw her before I had to return to duty, and though she tries to be close as often as she can, I am often so busy we may as well be systems away from one another.  Or is there something darker at work?  I cannot seem to settle my thoughts.

Perhaps I should distract myself and undertake more patrols.  Assuming I can get my connections to remain stable.  I shall have my hangar crew investigate and effect any repairs that may be required.
09-01-YC122

Now, how they come crawling.  After all the bile and venom, weak as it was, that they tried to spit at me, how they come crawling.  Vess, suddenly polite and respectful, asking if they may be permitted to collect their fallen.  God forgive my weakness, but the Unclean Force within cries out to make them beg for my indulgence.  Yet such is not the way it should be.  The Eternal Empress would not have taken such a wicked course, and I pray to Her to give me the Spiritual strength to follow her example.  What would it achieve but to paint myself in the twisted shadows in which the Tribals try portray me anyway?  What would it gain but to play into their image of me as an Amarrian monster.  Besides, that Vess is even asking shows to all who can see that she, Arrendis and all their spiteful ilk have completed their own self-humilation.

I shall be stronger, better than that.  I shall look to the Honour of Blessed Alizabeth, the Virtue of The Eternal Empress, and the Guiding Light of God.  I shall not give my enemies, the enemies of Amarr, the enemies of God, any of what they ask for, but nor shall I be the chort that they so dearly wish me to be.
09-01-YC122

Curious.  Minmatar camera drone footage of one the last assaults on us in East Hav, perhaps the very last assault has been released, by no less that the same group that released the information on Melisma.  I have no idea how they obtained it, nor why they posted it to the IGS.  Is it perhaps connected with our mission there to obtain Intelligence on their relay station?  This will require further investigation, for they obviously have some connections or influence, which may have serious consequences.  I have spoken briefly to Papa about it, and he has put our Intel Operatives onto the matter.

Predictably, the usual Tribal ringleaders all came out to bark at the latest thing irritating them.  Worthless and aimless shots, and not a single one of them dared to address the real facts of the entire matter, the subjects that is the actual cause of their indignation.

They simply adore painting every Amarrian as an evil, twisted, voracious slaver with an insatiable lust for human trade, a two-dimensional caricature with which to scare children and indoctrinate the credulous.  Yet, it was I, and I alone who even thought to seek the safety of their people.  Indeed, some of them would have even denied those innocents safe refuge and subjected them to the horrors of indiscriminate weapons.  Not only that, but, aside from Oona Aldeland and Maira Blackfire - both of whom I now have much more respect for - not one Tribal did anything practical to effect that evacuation.  That took yet another Amarrian, my very own Lilya.  Her Humanity and Kindness are boundless, risking great danger to herself to get those men, women and children off Floseswin IV and to a place of safety.  Darling, dearest Lilya - she even went so far as to ensure those people were able to go wherever they wished to, without hindrance, and with the financial ability to do so.  Truly she is a Blessing in this dark, dangerous life.

It is also I who have honoured the memory of the Minmatar fallen, as well as our own.  The Tribals, so protest so loudly that they are Liberators, Protectors, and Saviours of their people would have let their own dead rot on the battlefield.  Thankfully, I was able to negotiate with the Commander of the Amarrian relief force that arrived for the removal and burial of all the fallen.  Those locals who stayed in the administrative building agreed, with some delicate persuasion, to arrange for one of their holy men to see to the final rites.

It is a Blessing from God that we even lived.  To emerge from the darkness to find that the Minmatar Forces had gone!  One more assault and we would have been finished.  I would dearly love for us to take credit for the victory, but though the Company showed great bravery and Faith, it was not us.  It was God, and the watchful protection of The Eternal Empress.  Indeed, perhaps even a Miracle from the Martyr Alizabeth, to whom I offered a silent prayer many times, asking her to give to me but a fraction of her Devotion and Noblility in the face of such danger and threat.  I believe she did just that, and I shall be giving much thanks for it.  She should be made a Saint!

Another Miracle is that Sasha and his team are returned to us, and are recovering from their own ordeal.  Ishta is keeping a constant vigil over him.  Such a sweet creature, she is, though few see it.  Yet how few know her true nature, her true Calling, as we do.

I wish to spend also as much time with Lilya as I may before having to return to my duties, again to the warzone.  I made promises to Lilya - promises I intend to keep.  We have much to talk about.
08-01-YC122

They came, as we knew they would, and they fought well, as did we.  We drove them back once again, but we are left now with only 45 out of a Company of 150.  The 45 of 45.  None of us are now unscathed, and I myself carry many wounds.  Yet still The Eternal Empress watches over us, and still we remain, though any more assaults must surely be the last.  The attack this morning penetrated as far as the mural of Blessed Jamyl, and as I knew they brought their camera drones, trying to revel in our final moments.  They have been denied that pleasure yet, and their bodies lay in bloodied heaps in this chamber.  All of my troops fought well, for indeed what reason do we have not to fight with the Fury of the Righteous?  In the heat of battle, with my cutlass singing, I felt a strange calm, mixed with a euphoria, as though a Blessing were upon me.  Even now, when I would expect to feel exhausted and worn, I do not.  I simply feel ready.

Strangely, they have not come as I expected, and where usually we can here them preparing from their positions, there is but silence.  Perhaps they are bringing in more insidious weapons against which we shall have little or no defence.  The Tribal leader by the name of Vess did indeed mention having, and being willing to use, such means.  So help me God, so help me Eternal Empress, as far as is in my power, I shall not allow deSilvestris troops, my troops, to be gassed or choked in a hole like rats.  I shall take two of my infantry with me and see what the Tribals are preparing, and if indeed they are making ready to use such methods, then I shall gather everyone of us left and we shall charge them.  We shall die with Honour.
06-01-YC122

The latest assault has been the Tribals' most determined yet, but again God granted us Victory.  Hard won, and we are now less than 60, but so long as our Faith and Determination remain, we shall succumb easily.  We all look like creatures of nightmare, Skarbniki made flesh, punishing those who trespass in our cthonic realm. There is not one of us who is not a bloodied, dust-covered, torn apparition.  The troops think I do not know, but I have heard them call me the Mistress of the Mine and Nocnitsa, because it is a dark as night down here.  Such a silly conceit, but these may be our last few days or even hours, so what harm shall it do for us to give ourselves epithets that no-one shall ever know.    One thing that shall remain beyond us, at least until the Tribals destroy it, is the image of The Eternal Empress some of the troops have sketched on the wall of a tunnel.  It gives is Strength and Hope to have Her watch over us, and we know our souls shall be in her care, whatever happens.  If the Tribals come again, this shall be the site of our last stand, and we shall make them pay a heavy price.  If they remain as predictable as they have been, then we have a few hours to set the last of our surprises.  Hopefully they bring their camera drones again that there may be a chance other see how furiously the Faithful fight.  No-one shall dare call deSilvestris Household forces cowards!
04-01-YC122

I have had better celebrations of a New Year, it must be said.  I decided against destroying this diary quite yet, though this has been the first opportunity to write anything as Tribal attacks have been near constant.  We have fought them off each time, though careful to conserve ammuntion as much as possible.  We have had to withdraw deeper into the mine, and I have no idea of how the war elsewhere is going.  Slowly but surely our ammunition, grenades, and food deplete, though there seems to be reasonably fresh water in various spots in these tunnels, filtering through the countless layers of rock.  After a week here, however, the air is unpleasantly stifling and there is not one of us who is not covered in a layer of dust and grime.  Yet we blunt and repel each Tribal attack through a combination of resolve, Faith, and intelligent use of the defensive opportunities of our locale.  I am sure our little surprises here and there have accounted for more than half of enemy casualties, and if they do manage to get into close quarters we are more than happy to demonstrate our superior training.  In all truth, however, unless God grants us a miracle, with our own casualties steadily mounting, we cannot hold out forever, and we shall, sooner or later, make our last stand here.

I say a week here, but by that I mean a week in the mine itself, of course.  It is closer to three weeks since we first came to East Hav.  I pray that the Intelligence we gathered was worth this sacrifice.  I believe that it was, but time shall tell.  I have been careful not to state our objective here, though I should think that the more intelligent amongst them should, by now, be at least suspicious that we have attempted no breakout or negotiations on terms.  They must have come to the conclusion that we are holding this objective to the last for a reason.  They are correct, of course.

However, a breakout may be an option to consider.  We have done what we intended to do, and the Tribals have been, at least to a degree, occupied with attempting to either dislodge or overrun us.  Combined with the evacuation of the civilians, that should have ensured enough time for things to be set in place and motion.  A section, or perhaps even just a fireteam, whilst depleting our numbers further, would have the highest chance of making it out of the mine via the less well known portals and to friendly lines, assuming there are any such forces left on this planet.  Even if not, and they find it necessary to get off the planet, a smaller number would, I feel, more easily disappear and find their way back to the Empire, especially given the training we ensure our Household troops have.

It shall have to be done soon, however, before it is too late.  The Tribals are not going to give up their attempts to annihilate us.  They have even started sending in camera drones with their assaults, presumably to capture their victory and our last moments for their bloody and distasteful entertainment.

We shall be only to happy to oblige them a spectacular.