25-06-YC121
It was Sasha's birthday yesterday. We had a little celebration in Nafrivik. It is quite charming how the members of his little unit all love and respect him so. We even found time to call Mama, which pleased her ever so much. She was very insistent we visit home again soon. We promised we would find the time. Birthdays with the whole family are so much more enjoyable and meaningful, but I am pleased I got to spend the day with my little brother. It took my mind off other things. Sasha always brightens the day.
Kostya came home to me, eventually, earlier that morning. We spoke, and in my heart of hearts I know, for his sake, I should have let him be free. I could not, and if I am truthful, it is because I am too cowardly, too afraid to be alone. I do love him, of that I am sure, but despite my promises to him to be strong, to trust him, I am not certain of my own abilities. I can only pray for guidance and strength; pray that God helps me to overcome the feelings of jealousy I know shall strike me.
I can hear them already, in the back of my mind - the doubts, the Darkness, whispering that I am beginning to live a lie. The only lies are theirs! I love Kostya, and so long as he loves me, I shall do anything to make him happy, anything at all.
I can ignore the pain.
23-06-YC121
Why must I constantly defend what is quite plainly mine? Why must every vile little temptress worm their way out of the shadows to try their wicked temptations upon my Love? Why must he be so blindly naive as to not see it? For all I love him, he is so very frustrating at times!
I have angered him, though I am not sure why exactly. All I know is that I spoilt his time with some Tribal from his diocese, some Melisma or somesuch - as usual with her people, her family name, or "clan" name as they call it, is virtually unpronouncable to any civilised tongue. I spoilt it, though I was simply, and righfully, making it quite clear that he is claimed, and he became so very cold with me. I have never seen him like that, and it has hurt me deeply. I went into the gardens to be out of his sight. Arline was terribly sweet in comforting me. I have not seen her like that either. I did not think she was at all like that. What a strange, though welcome, thing to discover, though the circumstances were not so welcome.
I decided to leave, not that I should have even been there at all in the first place. I had hoped to give Constantin a nice surprise, but instead I simply ruined things as usual. He could not have wanted to see anyone less, I think. I left without saying goodbye, and there he was again - dancing with her as though I never even existed. Perhaps I do not to him when I am not around.
I was not even allowed to leave quietly. The Directrix was in the security foyer and insisted upon speaking to me before I left. She quite clearly has ideas above her station given the manner in which she spoke to me. Warning me away from her pilots and telling me I should be more attentive to my duties! Perhaps she should have her wish. Perhaps I should have as little to do as possible with LUMEN personnel.
Any of them.
The cultists on Nafrivik have exceeded their usefulness. They have given some interesting information, but there is no further need for them. I shall have Sasha and his unit dispose of them.
Why must I constantly defend what is quite plainly mine? Why must every vile little temptress worm their way out of the shadows to try their wicked temptations upon my Love? Why must he be so blindly naive as to not see it? For all I love him, he is so very frustrating at times!
I have angered him, though I am not sure why exactly. All I know is that I spoilt his time with some Tribal from his diocese, some Melisma or somesuch - as usual with her people, her family name, or "clan" name as they call it, is virtually unpronouncable to any civilised tongue. I spoilt it, though I was simply, and righfully, making it quite clear that he is claimed, and he became so very cold with me. I have never seen him like that, and it has hurt me deeply. I went into the gardens to be out of his sight. Arline was terribly sweet in comforting me. I have not seen her like that either. I did not think she was at all like that. What a strange, though welcome, thing to discover, though the circumstances were not so welcome.
I decided to leave, not that I should have even been there at all in the first place. I had hoped to give Constantin a nice surprise, but instead I simply ruined things as usual. He could not have wanted to see anyone less, I think. I left without saying goodbye, and there he was again - dancing with her as though I never even existed. Perhaps I do not to him when I am not around.
I was not even allowed to leave quietly. The Directrix was in the security foyer and insisted upon speaking to me before I left. She quite clearly has ideas above her station given the manner in which she spoke to me. Warning me away from her pilots and telling me I should be more attentive to my duties! Perhaps she should have her wish. Perhaps I should have as little to do as possible with LUMEN personnel.
Any of them.
The cultists on Nafrivik have exceeded their usefulness. They have given some interesting information, but there is no further need for them. I shall have Sasha and his unit dispose of them.
((Dear Reader (I'm still stunned anyone actually is reading this), sadly, due to personal circumstances, I shall be unable to make any posts for what may be some time. However, I do intend to return to this when I can, and pick up where I left off, or at least give an in-character "explanation" for my out-of-character absence.
I don't want to go into very much detail about what has happened, as I'm sure you will appreciate, but I feel I should say this: I have found the event very difficult to deal with and, I am sad to say, at one point considered ending my own life. I was very lucky to have such dear friends in EvE to turn to, and a very good professional health service from which to seek help and advice, and although I am still very shaken and depressed, I feel more able to cope.
As I have said elsewhere, if you yourself ever feel that way, there is someone, friend, family, professional, who can help you, even if you just need to get through one night. Please don't ever feel you have to go it alone. If you are on EvE, Broadcast 4 Reps is an excellent, wonderful group of CCP staff and EvE players who will help and support you and will not judge and will not turn you away. But please, please seek professional medical help as soon as you can.
And if you are someone to whom a friend, or even a stranger, turns to for help, please, please try your best to do so. It might very well feel overwhelming or even scary, and that is only natural, especially if you have no experience of dealing with mental health problems, but just being there and listening, even if you actually say nothing, can help someone. I am by no means suggesting that you should try to take on the role of a mental health professional, I'm just asking that you don't turn them away. It could be as simple as pointing them in the direction of, again, Broadcast 4 Reps or a mental health support service, perhaps voluntary, perhaps professional. However, you should also always, always, encourage them to seek professional medical help as soon as possible.
Thank you, Fly Safe, and check back soon because Ekat will return))
I don't want to go into very much detail about what has happened, as I'm sure you will appreciate, but I feel I should say this: I have found the event very difficult to deal with and, I am sad to say, at one point considered ending my own life. I was very lucky to have such dear friends in EvE to turn to, and a very good professional health service from which to seek help and advice, and although I am still very shaken and depressed, I feel more able to cope.
As I have said elsewhere, if you yourself ever feel that way, there is someone, friend, family, professional, who can help you, even if you just need to get through one night. Please don't ever feel you have to go it alone. If you are on EvE, Broadcast 4 Reps is an excellent, wonderful group of CCP staff and EvE players who will help and support you and will not judge and will not turn you away. But please, please seek professional medical help as soon as you can.
And if you are someone to whom a friend, or even a stranger, turns to for help, please, please try your best to do so. It might very well feel overwhelming or even scary, and that is only natural, especially if you have no experience of dealing with mental health problems, but just being there and listening, even if you actually say nothing, can help someone. I am by no means suggesting that you should try to take on the role of a mental health professional, I'm just asking that you don't turn them away. It could be as simple as pointing them in the direction of, again, Broadcast 4 Reps or a mental health support service, perhaps voluntary, perhaps professional. However, you should also always, always, encourage them to seek professional medical help as soon as possible.
Thank you, Fly Safe, and check back soon because Ekat will return))
04-06-YC121
Kostya and I had a wonderful day shopping for all the items we shall need to make our apartment in Tanoo just perfect - assuming, of course, LUMEN actually allow us to use it. The matching of colours of soft furnishings is really not one of my strengths, I must admit, so I am very grateful of Kostya's artistic sensibilites. I am sure he just humours my choices and the item that appears in our apartment shall be completely different in colour to that which I chose, but in all honesty I doubt I should even notice! I do not mind, it makes me so happy just to do something so normal and simplistic with him, the sort of thing countless baseliners and lower classes must do every day. It is so very sweet.
We met with Ramina, who brought Okhrana and Cheka. Those delightful hounds loved Kostya as soon as they saw him, as I knew they would. I do hope My Love will get used to them being around the apartment. They can be awfulyl boisterous in such a small place; when our palace on Nafrivik is built, they will have much more room.
Sadly, we will not have much of an opportunity to start arranging and organising our purchases. Poor Liliana is unwell, not with any physical I think, but emotional. She has been so badly hurt, I feel so much sympathy for her, and Kostya and I are going to go and spend some time with her so that she is not alone. I shall go not as her Retainer, but as her friend. I think I shall ask Sasha to fetch some of those pastries she likes so much from Cafe Marlinea, and perhaps some of Ankine's delicacies from home. That shall help - and Sasha's kind face will no doubt be a welcome distraction for her also!
Aga-Count Chakaid has been appointed to the Theology Council. I doubt that shall do anything to curb Lord Consort Newelle's enthusiasm for antagonising him.
Kostya and I had a wonderful day shopping for all the items we shall need to make our apartment in Tanoo just perfect - assuming, of course, LUMEN actually allow us to use it. The matching of colours of soft furnishings is really not one of my strengths, I must admit, so I am very grateful of Kostya's artistic sensibilites. I am sure he just humours my choices and the item that appears in our apartment shall be completely different in colour to that which I chose, but in all honesty I doubt I should even notice! I do not mind, it makes me so happy just to do something so normal and simplistic with him, the sort of thing countless baseliners and lower classes must do every day. It is so very sweet.
We met with Ramina, who brought Okhrana and Cheka. Those delightful hounds loved Kostya as soon as they saw him, as I knew they would. I do hope My Love will get used to them being around the apartment. They can be awfulyl boisterous in such a small place; when our palace on Nafrivik is built, they will have much more room.
Sadly, we will not have much of an opportunity to start arranging and organising our purchases. Poor Liliana is unwell, not with any physical I think, but emotional. She has been so badly hurt, I feel so much sympathy for her, and Kostya and I are going to go and spend some time with her so that she is not alone. I shall go not as her Retainer, but as her friend. I think I shall ask Sasha to fetch some of those pastries she likes so much from Cafe Marlinea, and perhaps some of Ankine's delicacies from home. That shall help - and Sasha's kind face will no doubt be a welcome distraction for her also!
Aga-Count Chakaid has been appointed to the Theology Council. I doubt that shall do anything to curb Lord Consort Newelle's enthusiasm for antagonising him.
03-06-YC121
Those feral Tribals have attacked the Kingdom again, and this time they openly admit the use of the Deathglow agent. More than likely they were behind all the other Deathglow attacks.
It is not clear exactly what has happened, or if their attacks have had the desired effect that their diseased manifesto states. It is borne from some form of twisted barbarian ideology, something to do with supposed "Prophet" that Sa-Baron Atazil Kufail allegedly owns.
Most of what they say barely makes any sense - they do not even know if this person is actually their Prophet anyway. What is clear, however, is that the Tribals revel in the murder of innocent men, women, and children. They are little better than the heretic Raiders. Indeed, some of them probably are one and the same. I love my Kostya dearly, and I admire his attempt to civilise the more domesticated denizens of the Republic, but I fear it is a lost cause.
Aldrith is right again - they all need to be eradicated. I honestly believe our best potential allies are the Triglavians. After all, the Tribals went wild with their base and degenerate celebrations when the Drifters assassinated Empress Jamyl. It would not surprise me in the slightest if those two vile races were working together. We just need to show New Eden's newest arrivals that it is so.
Those feral Tribals have attacked the Kingdom again, and this time they openly admit the use of the Deathglow agent. More than likely they were behind all the other Deathglow attacks.
It is not clear exactly what has happened, or if their attacks have had the desired effect that their diseased manifesto states. It is borne from some form of twisted barbarian ideology, something to do with supposed "Prophet" that Sa-Baron Atazil Kufail allegedly owns.
Most of what they say barely makes any sense - they do not even know if this person is actually their Prophet anyway. What is clear, however, is that the Tribals revel in the murder of innocent men, women, and children. They are little better than the heretic Raiders. Indeed, some of them probably are one and the same. I love my Kostya dearly, and I admire his attempt to civilise the more domesticated denizens of the Republic, but I fear it is a lost cause.
Aldrith is right again - they all need to be eradicated. I honestly believe our best potential allies are the Triglavians. After all, the Tribals went wild with their base and degenerate celebrations when the Drifters assassinated Empress Jamyl. It would not surprise me in the slightest if those two vile races were working together. We just need to show New Eden's newest arrivals that it is so.
03-06-YC121
Pisdyets!
I swear that Fate, or something, is conspiring to get me completely prohibited from the Cafe Marlinea! I only went because Kostya sounded so urgent in his request for me to meet him. The last time I was there I punched that Khanid whore. This time I drew a gun on Aria Jenneth, or at least someone who looked like her.
It is somewhat confusing - according to Constantin, Aria committed suicide, apparently with the intention of transferring to a new clone, though it is not clear why exactly. However, by all accounts she was murdered before she was able to do so, or so it seems from the circumstances of her body. Captain Shutaq believes it may have been what he termed a "clone-jacking", by an individual named Vesper, Aria's former alter-ego, a notorious Cartel operative. Fortunately, Aria, or whoever she is, came peacefully, and force was not required. We had left before station security even arrived.
Station security! How quaint that the proprietor of the cafe roused them. I doubt there would have been much they could do, except make the situation worse. No doubt, of course, Directrix Aspenstar will over-react now that that is two of her employees I have threatened. I should imagine I shall be forbidden to dock or enter any LUMEN facility. Not that I care. She will likely punish my innocent Constantin also, perhaps sentencing him to not be within the presence of any one carry a side-arm in the same star system.
Captain Shutaq will get a strongly worded letter of reproval.
We took Aria to the LUMEM Medical facility. I must say I was surprised I was actually permitted to enter, but I was soon relieved by their own security, who fortunately took the potential threat quite seriously. I would have been satisfied enough to have departed at that point, but Constantin seemed to prefer me to stay, and I could not leave him alone with someone who was in all probability a psychotic murderer. Aria made some comments about her restraints looking rather incongruous on her slight frame. I suspect she was attempting to fool us into underestimating her. It did not work.
Then the Khanid whore walked it. I should have expected that of course, her being LUMEN'S Doctor. Constantin wisely decided it was time for us to leave, but not before she got one or two little sarcastic comments in. Samodovolnaya suka! I would be more than happy to oblige her if she wants a bullet in the back of her head.
Constantin also mentioned that Lady Llyr appears to be reacting very angrily to her ex-lover's actions. I cannot say I blame her, and personally I see taking it out on Sansha's minions a healthy release, but nevertheless he is concerned. I promised him I would try to talk to her.
We are going to do a little shopping for our apartment. It is extraordinarily sweet!
Pisdyets!
I swear that Fate, or something, is conspiring to get me completely prohibited from the Cafe Marlinea! I only went because Kostya sounded so urgent in his request for me to meet him. The last time I was there I punched that Khanid whore. This time I drew a gun on Aria Jenneth, or at least someone who looked like her.
It is somewhat confusing - according to Constantin, Aria committed suicide, apparently with the intention of transferring to a new clone, though it is not clear why exactly. However, by all accounts she was murdered before she was able to do so, or so it seems from the circumstances of her body. Captain Shutaq believes it may have been what he termed a "clone-jacking", by an individual named Vesper, Aria's former alter-ego, a notorious Cartel operative. Fortunately, Aria, or whoever she is, came peacefully, and force was not required. We had left before station security even arrived.
Station security! How quaint that the proprietor of the cafe roused them. I doubt there would have been much they could do, except make the situation worse. No doubt, of course, Directrix Aspenstar will over-react now that that is two of her employees I have threatened. I should imagine I shall be forbidden to dock or enter any LUMEN facility. Not that I care. She will likely punish my innocent Constantin also, perhaps sentencing him to not be within the presence of any one carry a side-arm in the same star system.
Captain Shutaq will get a strongly worded letter of reproval.
We took Aria to the LUMEM Medical facility. I must say I was surprised I was actually permitted to enter, but I was soon relieved by their own security, who fortunately took the potential threat quite seriously. I would have been satisfied enough to have departed at that point, but Constantin seemed to prefer me to stay, and I could not leave him alone with someone who was in all probability a psychotic murderer. Aria made some comments about her restraints looking rather incongruous on her slight frame. I suspect she was attempting to fool us into underestimating her. It did not work.
Then the Khanid whore walked it. I should have expected that of course, her being LUMEN'S Doctor. Constantin wisely decided it was time for us to leave, but not before she got one or two little sarcastic comments in. Samodovolnaya suka! I would be more than happy to oblige her if she wants a bullet in the back of her head.
Constantin also mentioned that Lady Llyr appears to be reacting very angrily to her ex-lover's actions. I cannot say I blame her, and personally I see taking it out on Sansha's minions a healthy release, but nevertheless he is concerned. I promised him I would try to talk to her.
We are going to do a little shopping for our apartment. It is extraordinarily sweet!
02-06-YC121
I am back with Moya Lyubov, Moya Zvezda! I knew I would be, but I did not know when. I have been confined to the Newelle Estate since Commander Kley marched me out of the Cafe Marlinea. I should not have struck Doctor Monakh, I suppose, but what choice did I have? She insulted my Honour, she insulted the Honour of the man I love! I am sorry for the trouble I have caused for my superior officers, and with our allies in LUMEN, and I hope they will forgive me, but I am not sorry for my actions. If I had the moment again, even knowing the consequences, I would do the same again. I have been honest with my superiors about this.
I feel that they have been too lenient, in all honesty. A reprimand and no chance of promotion for two months - as if I will ever be successed for promotion anyway! I offered my resignation, in light of the difficulties I have caused, but it was not accepted. I am told that not even Directrix Aspenstar wanted that, though I do not know what she did want to happen to me. Not that I care, for I am very displeased with the Directrix. She has placed a moratorium on Constantin meeting alone with any female members of LUMEN, even in the capacity of his ecclesiastical duties! It is unfair - Kostya is the one innocent party in this, and she punishes him. I do not believe she has the power or authority to interfere with his duties in such a manner. I thought highly of the Directrix, but now I am not so sure. What is worse is that nothing at all appears to have happened Druur. The entire thing is her fault. The immoral Khanid whore. I shall require a direct order to serve in a fleet where she is present.
I say there is one innocent party, but there is another. Poor Liana. As inappropriate as it was, Lady Llyr and Doctor Monakh were in relationship, and it has now ended. It is, I feel, for the best - I never felt that the Doctor's influence was anything less than damaging, her being openly anti-establishment and unabashedly proud of her own heresy! Her Ladyship's people would never have accepted it. Better that such poison has been removed. Besides, Liana appears to be getting on very well with Sasha - perhaps this will afford them an opportunity to become even more closely aquainted.
My stay with Lady and Lord Consort Newelle was comfortable, even pleasant, despite the circumstances. Lady Newelle's slave Sadahti was most attentive and accommodating, and despite Commander Kley insisting it be treated more like an incarceration, I wanted for nothing. I am still not sure I could really manage the responsibilities of owning a slave, but I could certainly benefit from having a hand-maiden. I doubt I could find one as skilled as Sadahti, but even with half her ability she would be ideal! I shall look into that.
Aldrith spoke to me before I left, teasing me about being so formal around him again. I think sometimes he would prefer the old Katya that he knew from the Academy, but so much as changed since then. My Time Away having the biggest impact, of course, but it does not seem quite right to be so informal now that he is not only of a higher social status than I, but a commanding officer. It does feel as though something is missing, however.
Kostya is stirring. I think I may have exhausted him again last night, but I had to show him I am entirely his, and I wanted, needed to know he is mine. Even if I had no longer been a part of PIE, I would have still come back to him, to kiss him, touch him, feel him inside me, taste him. That shall never change. I shall make the most of my time with him before I have to return to duty. I shall also make sure I give my prayers of gratitude to God and to Her, and say my prayers for Alizabeth's soul.
Oh, My Kostya, My Love, My Star. I adore you!
I am back with Moya Lyubov, Moya Zvezda! I knew I would be, but I did not know when. I have been confined to the Newelle Estate since Commander Kley marched me out of the Cafe Marlinea. I should not have struck Doctor Monakh, I suppose, but what choice did I have? She insulted my Honour, she insulted the Honour of the man I love! I am sorry for the trouble I have caused for my superior officers, and with our allies in LUMEN, and I hope they will forgive me, but I am not sorry for my actions. If I had the moment again, even knowing the consequences, I would do the same again. I have been honest with my superiors about this.
I feel that they have been too lenient, in all honesty. A reprimand and no chance of promotion for two months - as if I will ever be successed for promotion anyway! I offered my resignation, in light of the difficulties I have caused, but it was not accepted. I am told that not even Directrix Aspenstar wanted that, though I do not know what she did want to happen to me. Not that I care, for I am very displeased with the Directrix. She has placed a moratorium on Constantin meeting alone with any female members of LUMEN, even in the capacity of his ecclesiastical duties! It is unfair - Kostya is the one innocent party in this, and she punishes him. I do not believe she has the power or authority to interfere with his duties in such a manner. I thought highly of the Directrix, but now I am not so sure. What is worse is that nothing at all appears to have happened Druur. The entire thing is her fault. The immoral Khanid whore. I shall require a direct order to serve in a fleet where she is present.
I say there is one innocent party, but there is another. Poor Liana. As inappropriate as it was, Lady Llyr and Doctor Monakh were in relationship, and it has now ended. It is, I feel, for the best - I never felt that the Doctor's influence was anything less than damaging, her being openly anti-establishment and unabashedly proud of her own heresy! Her Ladyship's people would never have accepted it. Better that such poison has been removed. Besides, Liana appears to be getting on very well with Sasha - perhaps this will afford them an opportunity to become even more closely aquainted.
My stay with Lady and Lord Consort Newelle was comfortable, even pleasant, despite the circumstances. Lady Newelle's slave Sadahti was most attentive and accommodating, and despite Commander Kley insisting it be treated more like an incarceration, I wanted for nothing. I am still not sure I could really manage the responsibilities of owning a slave, but I could certainly benefit from having a hand-maiden. I doubt I could find one as skilled as Sadahti, but even with half her ability she would be ideal! I shall look into that.
Aldrith spoke to me before I left, teasing me about being so formal around him again. I think sometimes he would prefer the old Katya that he knew from the Academy, but so much as changed since then. My Time Away having the biggest impact, of course, but it does not seem quite right to be so informal now that he is not only of a higher social status than I, but a commanding officer. It does feel as though something is missing, however.
Kostya is stirring. I think I may have exhausted him again last night, but I had to show him I am entirely his, and I wanted, needed to know he is mine. Even if I had no longer been a part of PIE, I would have still come back to him, to kiss him, touch him, feel him inside me, taste him. That shall never change. I shall make the most of my time with him before I have to return to duty. I shall also make sure I give my prayers of gratitude to God and to Her, and say my prayers for Alizabeth's soul.
Oh, My Kostya, My Love, My Star. I adore you!
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