28-07-YC121

If it is God who places True Love for another in our hearts, then it is just as surely God who takes it away again. What once was mine is mine no longer, and I am bereft for it.

The Love that Kost Constantin had in his heart for me is gone.  The most beautiful star in the sky, my Light in the Darkness, is snuffed out, and I am cast-adrift.  Abandoned.  Lost.

I do not know why.  I heard Constantin's words as he spoke them to me, but even now, in the cold after-light of loss, I do not truly understand his reasons.  He said we hurt one another, made one another miserable, but he brought me only joy and happiness!  So it can only be that God has hardened Constantin's heart against me, and that can only be to punish me.

Sasha found me, curled behind the desk of my office, my face streaked with tears, my arm with blood.  He bound the cuts I had made, but said nothing.  If he saw the gun, he made no comment.

I had wanted to, so desperately, and yet God took even the strength for that away from me, but I think it is perhaps because I have not earned the right to end it all. 

There is something left undone, and I believe I know what it is that remains.  I have stood in the way and attempted to deny the Love that Sashsa and Ishta have for one another, and have been punished by losing the Love that, until but a few hours ago, made my life such a beautiful place.  My weakness, my Darkness, my failings.  All have brought God's punishment upon me.  I must redeem myself by bringing Ishta back to Sasha, by finding her and reuniting them.  Yes, it may be true that I am not worthy of God's Gift of Love, but others are.  I must, as hard as I can, try to bury the heartache, the rising call of that Unclean Force within me; push it down and try to focus on the task at hand.  Once Ishta is safe, perhaps then God will grant me the courage to find peace.

I pray to God's Mercy that courage is granted.  I cannot live with pain like this.

I also pray God keeps Constantin safe.  If the Love from my heart must be taken to keep him warm and protected, then let it be so, even that it leave my heart empty and barren, never to be filled.  Constantin deserves only joy, only happiness.  Please God, grant him, your Devoted and Faithful, Servant, all that his heart desires, what- or whosoever it may be.  If I can know that is what will be, I shall die at least with some peace.

26-07-YC121

We missed her by moments.  The enemy fled the station, using another shuttle during the confusion of our boarding. Had I not been occupied with the station's defences I would have seen it leave, I am sure, but Dido is fitted for stealth and surveillance, not combat, and I had to concentrate on keeping her intact.  I was fortunate to intercept the coded message burst from the station, and order the team to evacuate before the "purge" noted in the message took place.

The "guest" the message refers to can only mean Ishta, so she is in the hands of this still mysterious enemy.  The message burst was directed planet-side again, so they must have returned there.   It will take some time to triangulate the exact destination of the message, and even then I cannot be sure that is actually where they went.  However, it is the only starting place we have.

I am curious as to who, or what, the "Prime" mentioned in the message refers too.  Most likely the leader of this group, but I look forward to finding out exactly who that is.  More importantly, I need to find and recover Ishta.  I owe it to both her and Sasha.

25-07-YC121


Adamia has detected a brief signal from the planet.  It is Ishta's emergency beacon, but only a short burst.  It may have been cut off, or it may be a false alarm.  I am having Adamia and Dyachenko investigate more thoroughly.  I do not want to make an unnecessary extraction and give ourselves away to whoever this enemy is.  We need to get that information.  I have to give Ishta more time.




Sasha has utterly ignored my orders!   He has taken the entire team planet-side, no doubt to rescue Ishta, and he is not responding to my comms.  This is total insubordination, and could very well jeopardise everything!

Yet I know what drives him - his Love for Ishta.  I admire him for it.



Sasha has reported back.  There was a confrontation, but little meaningful resistance from the facility.  Indeed, it seems they were beginning the process of evacuating.  The team encountered some sort of augmented warriors, similar, from Sasha's initial reports, to Khanid cyber-knights.  I sincerely hope they are not Khanid, for that would seriously complicate matters.

There is no sign of Ishta, and they could not have taken her very far from the facility.  I am checking everything I can think of.  If anything has happened to her, I do not know I shall be able to forgive myself.  Sasha most certainly will not.



A sweep of the planet and its atmosphere revealed a shuttle launch not long after Ishta's signal was cut off.  It should be relatively simple to trace its passage, but I will have to hurry.  I will have more chance of success from Dido.

Sasha confirms there are signs of a firefight and conflict prior to the team arriving.  The enemy must have somehow detected Ishta, and she tried withdraw.  I know, deep down, it is my fault.  The second hack.  It was not as stealthy as I had hoped.

25-07-YC121

Ishta left for the mission early this morning.  I insisted she take a blessing from Father Mikhail after Alexandr and I gave her a final briefing.  I must say she accept the blessing not only willingly, but with all the solemn grace of True Faithful.  Could it be she has actually accepted God into her heart?  I truly hope so, for I fear she will need all the protection of a nature far greater than that of mortal technology.

I spoke with Father Mikhail privately after she had left for the planet's surface.  I confessed my weak and sinful thoughts and feelings over Sasha and Ishta.  I knew the Father's words would be profound, but did not expect them to be so moving.  Everything he said was right and true.

Love comes not from the human heart, but from God's Kindness and Grace.  We do not choose it, nor who we feel Love for, not truly.  God places it in our hearts for another chosen for us, one who compliments and elevates us. One who completes us.  Have I not had the beauty of such Love placed in my heart for Constantin?  Then who am I to question the Love that has been placed in Sasha's heart for Ishta, and in Ishta's for Sasha?  I have no right to stand in its way, to deny it, or to try to mar and spoil it.

I see and understand now the wickedness of my thoughts, of my animosity towards their feelings for on another.  I pray God will forgive my weakness.  It shall be difficult for me, because of the many things Ishta represents to me, but I must either be strong or at the very least hide my selfish failings away.

I pray that Ishta returns well and unharmed, and I pray that she is rewarded soon with that which she seeks.  She deserves to find peace and happiness, far more than I ever shall.  If   When she returns I hope I can find the courage to say these words to her, so that she may know I no longer harbour any ill-will towards her.

Sirna found her rightful place, through the Grace of God.  I think perhaps Ishta has too.

24-07-YC121

Papa's birthday!  Everyone is here at home; even Kolya, but then when one's father is Chief Pilot-Navigator, one cannot really be denied Special Leave for a day!  Oh, but it is godd to have the whole family here.

Excellent cakes and treats from the kitchen as always!  We really are spoiled with our domestic staff.  I think Papa was quite happy with his gift of Caldari Navy Rum.  I must remember to thank Felix for acquiring that for me. Mama is overjoyed that he has moved the main office for his corporation to this station, and main manufacturing operations to the Sarum station at Nakri V-5.  It means he can be close by more often.  Mama would never admit it, but she does get lonely when everyone is away.

 Kolya played the accordion beautifully; I can only hope my singing was the equal of it, though everyone danced along.  I only wish Kolya had not insisted on repeating it again and again and faster each time!  I was quite out of breath.

Mama had bought Papa a most handsome new suit and coat.  He looked the absolute picture of refinement in it, and was ever so proud of it.  He will turn many a head at the next Navy Officers' Dinner, I am quite sure.

Father Mikhail arrived a little later for a more composed and refined dinner.  Afterwards he led us in prayers for many more long years for Papa, and gave his blessings to us all.  I thought a few silent prayers of my own.  I will try to speak with Father Mikhail before I leave for Nafrivik again.

We sang songs, played games, and laughed all day.  My happy little family together again, if just for one day.  I am so very grateful.

Yet again, I found myself between Felix and Dzerzhinsky at one point, so I made my wish.

I was looking at Sasha when I made it, though he was busy teasing Ramina over the news that Felix has, apparently, begun courting her.  Poor Sasha.  He disguises it well, but I know he is worrying terribly.

I wish for Ishta to come back safely.

23-07-YC121

Ishta will leave for her mission soon.  I still have reservations over sending her.  There is something that unsettles me, but I cannot determine what it is.  It is more than simple uneasiness.  It is a constant, intangible feeling that something is not right.

I had hoped the initial attempt to slice into the target's data-storage would have been succesful, but their security measures are impressive.  Far too sophisticated for a simple, legitimate business, and overly strong even for a minor criminal gang.  No, there is something, or someone, more significant, more sinister, at work here.  I do not recognise it as being anything those that vile Cartel use, and it does not seem the sort of illict operation the Heretics would run.

I am very tempted to make a second attempt.  Adamia and Dyachenko are very good at what they do, and adding my own skills into it may be enough, but if not, there is a risk of alerting them that we, or at least someone, has uncovered their nefarious enterprise and taken an interest; and that could increase the risk for Ishta.  For Sasha's sake, I do not know if I am willing to do that, but then, it may save us the trouble of having to get an operative not only in, but out again!  I would do anything to save my little brother from the pain of losing the person he so clearly cares for.



I have given it much thought.  We will try one last time to remotely access their data.  If we succeed, we need not place anyone at risk.  If we fail, I am quite confident we can cover our tracks so that they will never know we made the attempt.

23-07-YC121

I had hoped that surprising My Darling Kostya with a comm would bring a smile to his beautiful face, but he looked so tired, as though his duties weigh heavily upon him again.  I pray I am not a burden to him.  He says such worrying things about how he causes me pain and he fails me.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  His Love for me, and mine for him, is what keeps me strong.  If anything, I am failing you, Moya Zvezda.  You are leading fleets again the hated invaders, showing such bravery and courage, whilst I am dealing with such minor trivialities here in Nafrivik.  I should run to be with you there, facing the dangers with you!

I know the loss of crews will hurt him so deeply also.  Such a good, kind, pure soul as his should not be facing these trials.  Yet, I know that soul is strong enough to come through just as pure and kind, unscathed by the horrors that would twist with darkness a weaker, lesser spirit.  Like mine.

Oh, Moy Lyubovnik, I promise I shall come to you soon, and do all I can to lift your spirits.  If you will only still have me, I swear before God and The Eternal Empress, I shall make you feel as happy, contented, and loved as anyone ever did.  The same way you make me feel.

I Love You, Constantin Baracca, with all my Heart and Soul. I always shall! All that I have, all that I am, is Yours!

22-07-YC121

I met Edward for the first time in a long time tonight.  A rather unexpected encounter in Cafe Marlinea.  It ws surprisingly pleasant - he even made me laugh!  He eats like an animal; apparently they do not teach table-manners in the State, nor do I expect he shall learn any in the Federation.  They probably just eat in bed there.  It was rather amusing, however.

He is still a profit-chasing mercenary, of course, which is terribly disappointing, but there was something about his manner that I thought different.  Perhaps he is beginning to realise that money is not everything after all, that it does not bring happiness.  He did seem a little sad, I thought.  Of course, he covered it with his usual flippant attitude, pretending he was some sort of secret agent and I his informer.  I rather think not!  He also simply had to play it up even more when Lady Qerl walked in.  No doubt there shall be some sort of gossip going around soon, which is exactly what that rogue intended.  I made my exit quite quickly after that, in case he really tried to get me into trouble.

It all reminded me of what he was like when I first met him.  How things can change so quickly.

20-07-YC121

Thank Goodness for dear Lilya!  She is an absolutely blessing, and it hard not to feel a very deep affection for her.  I do worry about her continued feelings for Monakh, but I think she is coming around to seeing that relationship for what it is - nothing but heartache and trouble; and of all the people in New Eden, Lilya is the least deserving of heartache.  I shall strive to do my absolute best to keep her, and her Holding, as safe as possible.

Which is exactly why I have had the difficult task of finding a volunteer for this mission to investigate that cult's links.  I knew Maleto would volunteer immediately, though I wish she had not.  The foolish girl thinks she has something to prove, and perhaps she does, but I have no desire to see her come back in a body-bag!  Firstly, as much as I disapprove of their relationship, I would not wish that pain on Sasha.  Oh, my silly little brother!  Why, oh why, could he not have found someone else?  My thoughts over this trouble me so much.  I shall seek the advice and wisdom of Father Mikhail, as ever I do when my thoughts become clouded and dark.

I also have no desire to inform Lord Pitoojee that his property has been destroyed.  Property!  How I hate that word when it is used to reference humans.  Not that she would ever believe, given how much she despises me, but I wish Ishta were not a slave.  Perhaps she will not be for very long, everyone seems to be singing her praises, and assuming she survives this mission, she will have another point in her favour.

I do not want Sirna to go through the pain of losing her sister when so much has happened to her family already.  Oh, Sirna, forgive me!

I wanted to simply stand her down, and told her she was exempt from volunteering because of her status.  A complete lie, of course, but she believed me and in response threatened to simply walk away.  I am sure she thinks her little comment about me having to tell Papa why she resigned was what changed my mind, but she is quite incorrect.  I would have no problem explaining the situation to Papa, and I am sure he would agree.  No, rather it was the idea that she can do such a thing so easily when no-one else in the 601st can.  It angered me.  How dare she treat this illustrious Unit in such a flippant, casual way.  Very well, if she wants to share in the dangers, so she shall!

Yet, I am not comfortable with it.  I do not know why I am so concerned over her.  Were anyone else undertaking this, I would have complete confidence in their safe return, and I cannot doubt Ishta's abilities.  Have I not witnessed them first-hand?  Perhaps I am being overly superstitious, but Babina found a cracked mirror in Ishta's room at our Estate whilst cleaning it, and Okhrana has been pacing and howling.  I should not believe in so-called omens, but I do. We all do.  I shall ask Father Mikhail to pray for her safe return, and bless her before she goes.

To think Sasha and I had such an argument over this.  It took so much to get him to see my point of view, to reluctantly agree, and now she has managed to undo it all.  They think I hate her, that I would rather she disappeared and never came back.  They are right of course, and Ishta guessed why, partially, even if Sasha did not.

Everytime I look at her I see Sirna, and I am reminded of how badly I failed her.  She makes me feel weak - because I am.

16-07-YC121

I am rather regretting having the members of that small cult here on Nafrivik liquidated so soon.  Perhaps I should learn to better control my impulses.  No matter, the information Sasha's team pulled from them has been rather useful.  After investigating a few records it would appear that they had financial ties with a company that exports foodstuffs from this planet, the bounty of the sea, naturally enough.  The question is - why?  Perhaps it is intuition, but I have a suspicion that there is something specific about this company.  It is not a particularly large concern, relative to other business on Nafrivik that deal in similar products, and if the heretic group simply wished to find a source of funding, I am sure they would have been better to have held their shares, through the various proxies they appear to have used, with a much large Corporation.  After all, the larger the business, the more share-holder there tends to be, so far as I understand economics - it is far more Felix's area of expertise - and the easier it would surely have been for them to hide.

I must take a closer look at the dealings of this business, but without alerting any potential criminals that they are under suspicion.  This is a somewhat delicate matter.  It will require some particular skills.

I have neither seen nor heard from Constantin for some time now.  I presume his duties keep him occupied.  At least, that is what I try to presume, though my constant Darkness subtly whispers doubtful thoughts into my mind.  Spending time with Lady Llyr - Lilya - as a friend, rather than my superior, has helped alleviate the weight.  I do so enjoy her company, as sweet and well-mannered as she is.  If only she can be persuade away from inappropriate influences!  I wish the same for Sasha.

Maybe there is way to solve my problems with but a single, simple solution!

Yes, a very delicate matter indeed.

15-07-YC121

How quickly time seems to have flown since my birthday.  I have hardly had time to sit and write, let alone turn my attention to anything other than my duties.  I miss Constantin terribly.  He seems so busy with his own obligations.  At least, hope that is what keeps him from my side.

Sasha and Ishta have confessed their ridiculous little fling to Mama.  She is being unusually taciturn regarding her true opinion of the matter.  She has made quite the show of being distantly supportive of the affair, though if I truly know my Mother, that is simply a ruse whilst she considers the best way to deal with it.

I have found a little time to venture an opinion on a matter on the Summit  - Proposals Regarding Wrecks and Cargo Containers Containing Living Persons.  I have no doubt my opinion, and my person, shall be attacked or ridiculed.  I am not sure I phrased my comments particularly well, but then I find myself far less eloquent and skilled than once I was, before my Time Away.  I would not be surprised if I was told to keep my thoughts to myself.  I even expected Constantin to send me a message soon telling me that once again I have embarrassed him.

I can feel in the back of my mind that Darkness rising again.  I should focus myself on my duties.  Andromache should be ready for action again by now.

04-07-YC121

I have had the most enjoyable birthday!  Papa and Kolya were not able to be there, sadly, but they found the time to send a comm each, which was wonderful.  Mama, Felix, and Sasha were there, so I was not without my dear family.  I think that Sasha was trying to pull my ears off, he tugged them so hard, but I cannot blame him too much - I did exactly the same thing to him when we were children.  Honestly, what a terribly cruel big sister I must have seemed.  I promise I am only trying to look after him now, though he did look rather like he was trying to hide something when he got a mysterious visitor later on.

I am sure Felix and Dzerzhinsky must conspire to sit either side of me at these occassions, just so I can have a wish come true.  I cannot ask them, of course, for that would spoil the magic, but I must find some way to repay their kindness, especially as my wish did indeed come true!  My dear, sweet Kostya, My Star, arrived not long after dinner.  Mama was particularly pleased with him, I know, and everyone made their excuses to leave us alone.

I have missed him so, and my absence from his side has been a source of worry.  Yet, My Love has not been idle.  He has learned to make my favourite honey cake, and it was absolutely amazing! I am sure he must have somehow taken lessons from Ankine, though he was very tight-lipped about where he obtained the recipe.  I must say I ate so many delicious things that when Kostya carried me up to my room he must have thought I weighed as much as a Bestower!

Apparently there are communication black-outs in null-sec, where those vile Drifters are contuning their assault on the lawless so-called realms of those who arrogantly wish to live outside of any of the legitimate Governments.  I could not care less, quite frankly.  This day, this night, is mine, and as I look across at my beautiful, darling, Kostya, I intend to be utterly selfish.

03-07-YC121

The Heretics made a major incursion into our beloved Motherland yesterday.  They brought their blood-stained monstrosities, including Dreadnought-class vessels to wreak death and pain upon countless innocents.  They found only the blessed guns of our brave and loyal Faithful to greet them, including PIE and my very own hero Kostya.

There was a most deserved victory celebration afterwards, and dear Captain Shutaq invited me along. I politely declined, which I think surprised him somewhat, but I did not feel I had earned the right to be there.  I took no part in the defence, my more mundane duties keeping me from it.  I think I should have been nothing more than a liability even if I had been there.

I do wish I had seen My Love, but he should have his happy moments with me.  I am sure I shall just embarrass him.  Best he has the limelight he deserves without me to cast any sort of shadow over it.  I wonder which of his many admirers were there.  No doubt he had a dance.

I fear that my superiors in PIE shall tire of me soon enough, of my lack of skills and impact.  At least Lady Llyr seems to believe I do good work, though I must admit the lack of any real leads from this little cult on Nafrivik has been disappointing and frustrating.  A somewhat unexpected link with some of the off-world exports, but nothing more.  Perhaps it was simply a source of funding, but there is something suspicious about it, though I cannot at this moment quite say what that is.  The group themselves were not forthcoming with any useful information, no matter how unpleasant things were made for them, and they are certainly beyond talking now.  I shall have to have the records pulled from the various databases.  They shall perhaps reveal something.

I am trying to encourage Liliana to spend more time with Sasha, but I think it may be rather futile.  My brother is still infatuated with Ishta, though I still hope that shall wear off soon.  I know it is wicked of me, and I shall confess my thoughts to Father Mikhail, but I cannot help but feel that had her shuttle accident been just a little more deadly, it would have solved the issue in a quite decisive manner.  Then again, I suspect that Sasha may not be quite Liliana's type, though she did describe him as charming.  There is yet still a chance.

I cannot decide whether or not to return home for my birthday tomorrow.  I really should, or else Mama will be terribly disappointed.  Kostya will no doubt be far too occupied with his duties, and I would rather not spend my birthday alone.  I think perhaps I will go home.  Papa and Kolya are likely still deployed, but I may be able to persuade Sasha to leave his little Matari girl alone for a day, and of course Mama, Felix, and Dzerzhinsky will all be there.  Yes, that sounds much more enjoyable than a day spent with only my thoughts.  The less time I have with those, the better.

01-07-YC121

Dearest Felix has always made more time for the more refined pasttimes in life, and takes a great interest in creative talents, even those of a more liberal persuasion from outside of the Empire.  He is forever encouraging the rest of us in similar pursuits, of course, and I was not surprised, therefore when he sent me a message that the latest Awards for the year's Capsuleers' Writing Contest.  What I was surprised at, however, was one particular entry to which he drew my attention - a poem: and a most beautiful, heartfelt, and moving poem it is!

The Embrace of Arms - a creation by my very own darling Kostya!  It is quite clearly inspired by his traumatic time on Anath.  My poor Love, what horrors must he have seen.  It is said that many of the greatest poets in history wrote their deepest, most emotional pieces when encountering the awful depths to which humanity can sink.  I pray that his writing has helped heal some of the pain I know he suffered.  His words speak so much of despair at what was wrought, but also of his own doubt.  Oh, My Star, do you still not see the good that you did, the lives you made better just by your reassuring presence alone?  Such suffering as you saw was so hard for you to bear, and yet it has not turned you cynical nor hardened your warm and loving heart.

That your poem turns to speak of hope, and Faith, and strength, and finally of Love!  Is it too selfish of me to think that the final line of your poem is the most beautiful of all?  Is it too arrogant of me to believe that is it indeed I to whom you refer with those sweet words?  I so dearly wish they are meant for me, that they were written as you thought of me holding you in my arms, but I dare not wish too hard in case I am indeed being too conceited and hubris bring me low once again.

I shall ask you when next I see you, My Love.  To think that you had not even told me you had written anything, let alone entered the competition.  Felix informs me that you did not secure a prize, but that matters not to me.  You have already won my heart.  It is yours to treasure for as long as you so wish.