You're where the Wild Things are...

An in-character blog set in the universe of EVE Online. These are the private diary entries of Lady Ekaterina Mariya deSilvestris, a minor Amarrian Noble and Capsuleer. Other existing characters within EVE will be referred to throughout, though any opinions and views expressed are those of this character. These entries may touch on or directly address mature themes such as violence, sexuality, race and ethnicity, and mental health. As noted, any views are those of the character.

Before we begin, I feel it important to say a few words on the subject of mental health. Ekaterina, or Ekat as many call her, is something of a troubled soul. This aspect of her character is a personal choice I have made, for very personal reasons. Although EVE is a game in which the players can immerse themselves to a greater or lesser degree as they wish, mental health is a very real issue for many people. Those two simple words cover a myriad different issues and concerns that affect people directly or indirectly every day all, over the world.

If you find yourself affected by any issues touched upon in these posts, or if you face your own troubles, please know that there are people out there you can turn to; doctors, friends, family - there is ALWAYS someone. If you are an EVE player, then Broadcast 4 Reps chat is available, staffed by wonderfully kind and good-hearted volunteers. If you know of someone who has mental health issues, then please just let them know you are there. It doesn't have to be anything big, just a smile, a cup of tea, a quick phone call about last night's game - just a little thing to show they aren't forgotten.

You Never Fly Alone.
28-07-YC121

If it is God who places True Love for another in our hearts, then it is just as surely God who takes it away again. What once was mine is mine no longer, and I am bereft for it.

The Love that Kost Constantin had in his heart for me is gone.  The most beautiful star in the sky, my Light in the Darkness, is snuffed out, and I am cast-adrift.  Abandoned.  Lost.

I do not know why.  I heard Constantin's words as he spoke them to me, but even now, in the cold after-light of loss, I do not truly understand his reasons.  He said we hurt one another, made one another miserable, but he brought me only joy and happiness!  So it can only be that God has hardened Constantin's heart against me, and that can only be to punish me.

Sasha found me, curled behind the desk of my office, my face streaked with tears, my arm with blood.  He bound the cuts I had made, but said nothing.  If he saw the gun, he made no comment.

I had wanted to, so desperately, and yet God took even the strength for that away from me, but I think it is perhaps because I have not earned the right to end it all. 

There is something left undone, and I believe I know what it is that remains.  I have stood in the way and attempted to deny the Love that Sashsa and Ishta have for one another, and have been punished by losing the Love that, until but a few hours ago, made my life such a beautiful place.  My weakness, my Darkness, my failings.  All have brought God's punishment upon me.  I must redeem myself by bringing Ishta back to Sasha, by finding her and reuniting them.  Yes, it may be true that I am not worthy of God's Gift of Love, but others are.  I must, as hard as I can, try to bury the heartache, the rising call of that Unclean Force within me; push it down and try to focus on the task at hand.  Once Ishta is safe, perhaps then God will grant me the courage to find peace.

I pray to God's Mercy that courage is granted.  I cannot live with pain like this.

I also pray God keeps Constantin safe.  If the Love from my heart must be taken to keep him warm and protected, then let it be so, even that it leave my heart empty and barren, never to be filled.  Constantin deserves only joy, only happiness.  Please God, grant him, your Devoted and Faithful, Servant, all that his heart desires, what- or whosoever it may be.  If I can know that is what will be, I shall die at least with some peace.
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