06-08-YC121

I have read and re-read my last entry in this diary, and yet it seems as though it were written by another.  I have no recollection of feeling the way I must so obviously have felt, and no memory at all of anything that happened after Constantin spoke the words that broke my heart and ended my happiness.  I do not recall undertaking the operation to rescue Ishta from her predicament, though I do remember placing her in that grave situation, yet I am assured that I led it.  Indeed, I was the first to find Ishta.

Neither do I recall the shot that took my eye and destroyed the right side of my face.  I can only think that I was in the most frightful fugue or somesuch.  I am trying, rightly or wrongly, to think as little of it as I can, for the idea both frightens and confuses me.  I do not think I am yet strong enough to face what may have really happened. Perhaps I shall never be.

The operation to replace my eye with a temporary implant has been a success, I am told, and certainly it appears to have worked.  Indeed, my eyesight is much improved, though it was never at fault.  The doctors, led by Tomsky, tell me that the nanites have completely repaired the damage done to my skull, but that it is a miracle I was not killed, or at least forced to soft-clone.  They say God must have smiled upon me.  My own, secret, opinion is that God, and My Eternal Empress, have saved me for something else yet again, though I cannot begin to imagine why, or for what.  Tomsky tells me there may be some after-effects that have not come to light as yet, and that these may not be physical.  I shall bear whatever fate awaits me.

I shall not, however, bear it entirely alone, it seems. Dear, sweet Lilya has sat by my bedside ever since I returned from planet-side.  She has been my constant companion and watch, and have never once left me alone.  I know what I have done to deserve such a wonderful, selfless friend; a friend of such kindness and warmth.  She has touched my heart so very tenderly, that I even dare to think that I may be able to recover from the heartache of losing Constantin's love, so long as I may turn to Darling Lilya in times of pain or worry.  I owe her a debt I can never truly repay, but I shall do my utmost by returning the companionship that she gives unto me.

Aldrith has also visited, which was most caring of him.  Poor Aldrith, beset as he is on all sides by his own troubles and woes, he still made time to come and see how I was.  He tries so to act the heartless, jaded cynic, but I know that deep down, his beautiful, artistic soul is as strong as ever.

Ishta also came to give her good wishes.  I feel that perhaps we have put our differences aside, for I spoke to her honestly of my hopes for my brother and her.  I am sure after the service she has given, which indeed may have saved Lilya's very life, she will be greatly rewarded.  I find it most tempting to write to Lord Pitoojee and petition him for her freedom.  Has she not earned it?  Has she not shown herself to be not only Loyal to the Empire, but also Faithful in God?  I believe that she has, and were she to be emancipated - who knows what futures would be opened up to her?  Many more possibilities, of that I am most certain.  I do so hope it comes to pass.  I shall pray for it.  I wish I had Ishta's strength, for nothing seems to frighten or disorient her.  If I were as she, then perhaps certain things would not have happened - but no, thinking on such things is unwise for me now.

I have also had a most unexpected contact.  A Mister Ioannis Sepphiros, who, it appears, has business interests within the Empire and further afield, wishes to engage my talents in archaeology.  I am, I must admit, most intrigued, and his mail was of such eloquence that I could not help but reply.  I hope we shall be able to arrange to meet soon at his offices in Sarum Prime.  I certainly have no intention of remaining idle here for any longer than is absolutely necessary to recover, though I am sure Lilya would rather I stay for as long as possible.  Poor Lilya, if I were to do that, she would continue sleeping in the chair by my bedside, just as she is at this moment.  Oh Lilya, you do look the sweetest, most darling young woman that ever there was, but I cannot for a moment believe it is comfortable for you.  If only there were room on this bed beside me, I am sure you would get a much better night's rest.