23-May-YC123

The vermin is dealt with, at least for now.

I have no doubt that he will continue to be a plague.  He scuttled away as quickly as he could, but at least he knows now what he faces when he tries to bring his filth to my home, against my family.

It was a glorious sight.  The ships of PIE, Khimi Harar, and the Duchy of Fekhoya were such a marvellous sight.  Truly the Glory of God was present, and, of course, The Eternal Empress.  I commanded her namesake again, the greatest honour I could wish for.

The hunt will continue.  If we cannot catch the King Rat, we shall at least trap his minions.  We already have a few, and with enough persuasion, more shall follow.  A trial is set, which, I must admit, I am rather looking forward to.  I should be quite the entertainment, and justice will most certainly be seen to be done.

The more I think on it, the more I am touched by the presence of Lady Deritan - Ithi - coming to aid us.  She, I feel, is a positive omen for the future.  Not simply the fact that she is entrusting the future of her children to me, but she seems to see, so clearly, the importance of unity in our Empire, and the importance of purging the enemy within.  Yes, I rather think we shall build close ties, her House and mine.

Edward and his mercenaries appeared.  I should have expected it, though it was incredibly annoying.  Not because I am not grateful for their assistance - after all, any enemy of Nauplius is welcome-  but rather because his presence will merely add fuel to the rumours that abound regarding my inviting him in.  True enough, only an idiot can ignore the fact that Nadire are free to travel where they will, and they have as much reason to pursue the heretic as anyone.  Still, idiots have an irritating way of causing problems, and Yassavi is just such a one.  I shall have to watch her, but it may be worth my time working in the background for future eventualities. In the meantime, a small word with the editors of the Nakriskaya Gazeta should limit some of the potential damage.  The people of Nakri need only hear about the important protagonists involved in the action.

And let them have their celebrations, they surely deserve it.  They are a good people, my people. Strong and solid in their Faith, devoted and loyal to their allies.  For myself, however, it is almost immediately back to my duties now that the Prayers of Thanks are done.  So many things to do, so many things to prepare for.

I wonder what it will be like to have children in my life.  Twins! A boy and a girl!  Ithi has chosen the most beautiful name for the girl - Ziniah Tenin, Little Dragon.  A Khanid name, and much as adore it, I think it may have to be a name only spoken by the family.  Their surrogate mother may be Khanid, but if they are to be my children, then such a name shall make little sense to others.  I shall give this some thought.  I do not want them to grow up ignorant of their own heritage, but if people are to believe that which we wish them to believe.

But I should rest, and think on this tomorrow.  I must also remember to arrange Ishta's present.  She also has been through much and deserves some celebration.

 17-May-YC123

I can barely write for the tears flowing from my tears.  Such sweet tears of joy as I cannot ever remember feeling, tasting on my lips.

My beloved fellow Praetorians, pilots of LUMEN, allies galore, all giving so selflessly of themselves to come her, to Nakri, to my home, to cast away the dark shadows that try to twist and corrupt my people, my friends, my family.  Everything that I love, that is so dear and precious to me.

The Chapter Master had organised some Confessor-class vessels, a favourite of mine, and named them for illustrious former Emperors.  I was given - my hands shake so much with the thought of it - the honour of commanding TES Jamyl I!

I swear, swear before God, I could feel Her, sense Her, My Eternal Empress with me, guiding me, Blessing me just as she did on that Darkest of Days.

I can write no more.  I can do nothing but think of how blessed I am, how both She and God must, for reasons I shall never know, be smiling upon me.  I must go to Father Mikhail, to the Chapel, and give Thanks and Praise.

I shall never forget this day.

 17-May-YC123

I went to Tanoo last night, to a Ni-Kunni cultural celebration hosted by Lunarisse and her Uncle.  I cannot deny that it took some effort of willpower to attend.  Not because I do not enjoy things Ni-Kunni, indeed the adorable tea-shop here is one of my favourite places, but rather because I did not know if showing my face in public after all that has happened would be acceptable.  Nonetheless, I went, and I am pleased I did, for it has brought to me a realisation.

There is, despite these dark days, much hope for our Empire.  All those in attendance last night shared, I believe, many things in common, but one thing above all.  It is difficult to put into words, but there was, I truly felt, something there that bound us all together, whether we are conscious of it or not.

There was a feeling of progressiveness.  All there want, I believe, peace and security.

My mind is such a whirl at the moment with everything that is happening, but despite my fears, my anxieties, I was instantly greeted as a friend by all who were there, and it made me realise - I am not any of the things I have been called in these last few days.  I love my Empire, my home, my people.  My detractors can say what they wish, for I know the truth, and so do my friends and comrades.  Proof, if such were needed, is in all those who have come, for whatever reason, to help protect Nakri and her people.  LUMEN, PIE, NADSC - they have come to fight a common threat, and more may indeed have come had they been able.

True, there has been bickering, ruffled feathers, and dented pride, but that, I think, is inevitable in life.  Nor is it the first time.  Witness the efforts by all against the Triglavians, EoM, the blood-stained heretics.  This, surely, is a sign of hope of a better future.  Whilst there will always be clashes, differences of opinion, and those who will spew hatred and bile no matter what.

One of Edward's colleagues wrote to me in response to my words of thanks to them all, a young man by the name of Ferrinn Vuhs.  He wrote of wanting, of needing even, to learn more of Amarrian culture.  I had never thought a support of the Federation would ever care for such a thing, yet he shows such open-mindedness that many of us could, I think, learn from his example.  Not yet so jaded as to see things in simple black and white.  I pray that he does not lose that positive quality, for he, I believe, has the potential to do much good work in New Eden.

I am simply writing for writing's sake, I think, but only I shall ever read this words, so it matters little if there is any sense in them.  I must focus for our Operation later.

I was awarded a medal for my rather tiny, insignificant part in defeating Chakaid over Kahah III.  Medals are symbols, of course, and this, to me, is a symbol of what can be done when we work together.  My thoughts of leaving the Praetorians have been foolish, I think, a mindless reaction of that Unclean Force within that bring me such doubt and pain.  My actions may, perhaps, damage this illustrious institution, and I must be so mindful of what I say and do - in that Ishta is very much correct - but could I ever really forgive myself were I do act so selfishly as to resign?  Would they not be more impacted by the loss of a Paladin, no matter how ineffectual I may be?  I took vows.  I must, I shall abide by them.

Ishta shall be awarded her Capsuleer's licence soon.  She too, stands as a shining example of what can be achieved with open-minded dedication.  But then, is she not Nadezhda?  I have a gift for her.  I should speak with her as soon as I have opportunity.

"Surround yourself with the Faithful.  Stand together, for there is no strength like it under the Heavens." 

I think I finally, fully, understand the true meaning of this passage, after all that has happened.  There is indeed no strength like the Faithful together, even if some of those do not even realise they are Faithful.  As Father Mikhail has said many times, those who do God's Work often do not even know they are doing it.

 16-May-YC123

Edward and others from his Security firm came to Nakri.  They took the shields of the heretic Raitaru down.  That will make things simpler for our own attack.

Mercenaries who fight for the Federation came to Nakri, in the Empire, to deal with a heretic that the Empire created - and what did people of the Empire do?  Nothing.

Some verminous creature I believe sent by that pathetic excuse Yassavi verbally attacked and insulted me, even siding with Nauplius, and not a single person even attempted to support me.  No, actually, that is not true.  Again, Edward and his comrades did.

The others, even my own fellow Praetorian did absolutely nothing, said not a word!

Is that what I am worth to them. Silence?

So perhaps the things Yassavi's pet said are true.  Ishta said something similar. I am fit neither to be a Praetorian nor a Holder.  At least I know that Kolya, my dear, dear brother, is more than capable.

I ought to speak to Mama and Papa.  There are decisions that must be made.

I am sure I can find a future somewhere.

 15-May-YC123

If the last day has taught me anything, it is whom I can trust and upon whim I can rely.  Many have shown their true colours in the last few hours, and I admit to some surprises.  Truly God loves mysteries.

I wish Kostya were here.  I have rarely felt so lonely as I do now, and I never felt any such way with him.

Such things cannot be, I must face what I must face alone.  Spiritually, if not physically.

It is time for the storm.

I wonder, though, if I shall weather it.

 13-May-YC123

Eta pisdyets!!!

Every day I deal with the shit that this fucking galaxy throws at me!  I try harder and harder to fight them all!  Have I not for the last three days fought insidious EoM cultists who have been attempting to build a shipyard in my very own home!?!  Have I not done enough?

And now I wake up to find that fucking peasant, that piece of useless insane shit, that uyebok has put a fucking Raitaru in my fucking system!  40 AU from my home!

If that fucking hateful worm thinks he can sit there and spew his lies about my family, try and twist the people, our people, against us then he had better think again, and if he thinks he can use his lies to hide behind being in the Crusade as a protection then he is going to find he is very, very mistaken.

I will have every single person who even sets foot on that station executed as a heretic and a traitor, even if I have to do it myself.  He will reap exactly what he sows, and once I have dealt with him, then people will see just what happens to those who disrespect this family.

 10-May-YC123

I am convinced my days can be divided into two distinct types.  On any given day I am extremely busy, but I either appear to have little to show for all my effort, or there is a plethora of wildly varying results.  Yesterday was the latter.

Of prime importance, of course, was the Procession.  It was marvellous, a true sight to behold.  Countless clergy, as expected, and though Father Mikhail may not have had all the pomp and ceremony of those higher in the Church, he was, without doubt, the most dignified.  Representative Orlov was there, on behalf of the Sarum Family, and besides myself, Papa, Mama, and Nikolai, there were faces from the other important families; Holders, merchant Houses, everyone who is anyone.  All joined together to give thanks for our Victory in Floseswin, and to Pray for the victims of all the attacks against us.  It was a symbol of unity amongst us.  Even Danylo Koval had a kind word to whisper in my ear, at which I could not help but smile.

And, oh! The people! The crowds of people! The main plaza was completely filled, and the holo-screens showed it was no different in any of the other plazas on the station.  Felix told us it was the same on the Sarum station.  There was an vast ocean of banners, placards, and, of course, portraits of loved ones lost, held by those left behind.  It was a beautiful, yet heart-wrenching site.  Even now, sitting in my rooms, my tears at the thought make it so hard to write.  Anyone can say as they wish about my home, my Nakri, but we are as one people, one soul, one heart.

Afterwards, to clear my mind, I took Dido out into the stars.  Nowhere in particular, though the system I jumped in to had a designation.  It was full of those mysterious Sleepers, but I left them well enough alone and they simply ignored me.  It was peaceful, I enjoyed it.

Then, of course, came the most unexpected turn of the day, all born, as it were, from a conversation on The Summit, about children.  Arline had her little bundle of joy Alyssia, who made my heart absolutely melt.  I was selfishly bemoaning the fact that I have no such happiness in my life yet, when Lady Deritan contacted me.  She had been listening to the conversation, and had the strangest proposal.  An adoption!  When she explained to me the circumstances behind her suggestion, I could not but accept.  The story is a tragic one, and though I have no doubt of Lady Deritan's kind and noble heart, her situation is such that caring for the children is impossible for her.  So, soon enough, our house shall have not one, but two little additions. I have told Mama, and she was as thrilled and surprised as I.  Papa was also pleased, but he is ever such a soft one for little children.

I am still absorbing the impact of this change to come.  I am sure that this family will be a perfect place for two small souls to find the safety, care, and love that an other cruel universe would deny them.  I have no doubt that God has acted through Lady Deritan in this, for why else would things come together so neatly with no apparent cause?

All the more reason, then, for this family to continue the task that God has set before us.

 05-05-YC123

May God Bless us all.

My hands are still shaking.  I have always dismissed Equilibrium of Mankind as fringe lunatics but the horrors of today have proved me terribly wrong.  An Avatar, escorted by Revelations, and the Avatar commanded by none other than Chakaid himself.

He fired on Kahah III multiple times with the Doomsday Weapon on his vessel.  I cannot begin to -   I cannot even write about it.  I am going to order some of our Forces, including the 601st, to the planet, to see if we can help.

I look back on the engagement.  It was a scant couple of hours ago, yet feels both like I am still in the midst of it, and that it is years in the past.  I did so little, I think, yet at least I did something.  It fought as hard as I could for what is Right, for the Light against the Dark.  At least I can say I was there.

And so another enemy uncoils from the shadows in which they have lurked for so long.  We shall face them as we face all others.  They shall throw themselves against us, and we shall stand strong.  They shall fail, we shall persevere.

It seems so foolish now, stones against the storm, but I swore at him, the traitor Chakaid.  In Local! "Idi v rot tvoyey shlyukhe-materi!"!  How ill-disciplined of me.  I reported myself to the Chaper Master and Paladin Commanders, of course, for Conduct Unbecoming.

They gave me a medal.  Papa will be proud, but I think I shall tell Mama it was for standing firm in the face of the enemy.

Try as I might, I cannot help but think of the suffering on the surface of Kahah.  I know I shall have nightmares, even with Esfand to help me sleep.

I wish I did not have to be alone tonight.  Any night.

 04-05-YC123

So the circle is complete.  Following a terror attack against the State's Chief Executive Panel, no doubt backed by the Federation, if not carried out by them directly, prompted an immediate response.  One must admire the State for its swift answer, even if their bombardment of Tierijev IV was short-lived.  Regardless, war is now a step closer.

I do feel pained for Edward.  He has clearly taken the Federation to his heart, and his anger was understandable.  Indeed, it mirrors mine at the Tribal and Federation attacks against us.  I am not sure what Yassavi was expecting from him, all but accusing him of hypocrisy at not being outraged at any other attacks.  Why should he be?  Does she rail against our strikes to the Republic?  Of course not, why would she?  She is not as clever as she believes herself to be.  A shame the Holy Institution of Holdership is not based on intelligence; the Empire would have far fewer problems.

And fewer problem is something I would cherish at this moment.  A common brawl broke out last night amongst the 601st, between Alpha and Omega teams.  An overspill of tension apparently.  An unsatisfactory excuse, but I see little point now in punishing any of them.  The sooner they are in action, the better.  I just pray they always come back, all of them.

I had better ready myself for action as well.  It is strange how I do not seem to feel much emotion at the prospect of all-out war.  Perhaps it because I care little for my own fate in it, so long as I serve my Motherland, my Empress, and my God as I should, and bring them no shame.  Perhaps it is because I feel a purpose in it I have long since searched for.  The Proxy Wars are, in reality, unwinnable, without end, and thus feel meaningless to me.

Yet this War, if it comes, may very well be what God and The Eternal Empress have intended for me ever since my time away.  I did not die then.  Perhaps this was the reason.