29-09-YC121
I do not normally prepare Esfand so strongly, but I most certainly needed it after returning from yet another of LUMEN's balls. I should really avoid those particular gatherings, they seem to bring nothing but upset and troubles. Indeed, I only attended because Lilya wanted me to be there, though I suspect that now we have had our first arguement, she may be regretting having her wishes granted.
Oh, Lilya, how can you be such a foolish girl? To take a medication found in a wreck! It may well have alleviated her anxiety about the ball, but she does not seem to realise it could have killed her. Criminals transport all sorts of poisons, and what heartache it would have caused if it had proven to be her end! I wish we had not argued, but when she told me what she had done I was overcome with anger at her unthinking naïveté, and panic at what could have been. Yet it has made me think - have I once again fallen too quickly? Am I really ready for this relationship, for any relationship? I feel so strongly for her, and yet seeing Constantin made me realise that I still harbour feelings for him too.
One of those feelings, however, I most assuredly anger, and perhaps something stronger. To see him dancing with his Matari whore the way the danced with me! It was all I could do to not cause a scene. I most certainly did not require Paladin Kley watching over me like some sort of hawkish schoolmistress. How dare she speak to me like a child! They all think I am an idiot, some simpleton backwater girl. I see far more than they realise. I saw clearly enough that Melisma had some sort of altercation with Sah, and even threw a drink in her face. That she would do such a thing to a pregnant woman simply shows her utter lack of breeding, or what passes for breeding amongst the Tribals. I wonder if Constantin will cast her aside for her actions, as he did for mine - which were far less aggressive, I might add. Certainly when she left hurriedly, covered in shame and with her tail tucked between her legs, the good Archbishop quickly turned his attentions to another. A most interesting choice of attentions too, I might add - a member of the enemy militia! His womanising is worse even than Commander Adams - who was there, incidentially, sniffing around the vulnerable young women as he usually does. I also wonder if Directrix Aspenstar will issue more ridiculous sanctions against him as she did when I protect my own Honour - not that the Matari has any, and not that Constantin has the spine to do it himself.
Perhaps the Barraca family's loyalties are more open to question than Constantin would have us all believe? At least I may be able to find some common ground with Sah, as she surely will not let that insult from a so-called diplomat slip away without proper redress. One should hope that LUMEN is not entirely riddled with enemy sympathisers. We shall soon find out no doubt.
I apparently was not the only one to have had a disagreeable evening. Before our falling out, Lilya informed me that Aldrith had assaulted Diana Kim. She was not aware of the reasoning, but I am quite confident that Aldrith would not have done such a thing without proper cause and provocation. A pity, I rather liked Diana, at least for her unswerving dedication to the State. Alas, the enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend. Aldrith left soon after, unfortunately, just before I arrived, though Lady Newelle was still present, and even spoke to me. She quite clearly noticed Lilya's displays of affection toward me, though she made no comment. Not that Lady Newelle would, of course; she is far too well-bred to act in the same manner as all the Commoners.
Our own celebration for the Empress' Jubilee starts very soon, though in all truthfulness I have no real desire to go. It will not be so open to all as LUMEN's social efforts are, of course, but Lilya will be there, because I asked her to go, and I am not sure after our parting that I am of a mind or heart to see her so soon. Yet my presence is no doubt expected, and questions may be asked if I do not attend. I have no desire to have Lady Newelle's chaindog Arline breathing down my neck and prying into my private affairs. I suppose I had better present myself accordingly. Perhaps I shall be fortunate enough to find excuse to leave early.
One or two drinks for fortification prior to leaving here would no doubt help.
14-09-YC121
Another stupid loss. More proof of my own useless arrogance. I thought a simple data site would be an easy task for me, but it seems I cannot even do the very tasks I trained at the Academy to do. Admittedly, I have not seen Sansha cruisers at a site before, especally four of them, but I should have fled as soon as they appeared on my tactical display, not pushed my non-existent luck trying to retrieve a few items, giving them time to lock and warp scramble me. To lose Tesipyle, my Anathema, to such an idiotic, amateur mistake! How can I ever be any sort of assest to PIE, or even to the Empire, when I cannot even think clearly enough to perform such a basic duty? They shall be ashamed of me when I report it, as I must do. Why anyone would want me present in fleet operations, I do not know. Why anyone would want me at all, I do not know.
I will have a glass of Esfand to calm my nerves. A shame it cannot erase memories.
Another stupid loss. More proof of my own useless arrogance. I thought a simple data site would be an easy task for me, but it seems I cannot even do the very tasks I trained at the Academy to do. Admittedly, I have not seen Sansha cruisers at a site before, especally four of them, but I should have fled as soon as they appeared on my tactical display, not pushed my non-existent luck trying to retrieve a few items, giving them time to lock and warp scramble me. To lose Tesipyle, my Anathema, to such an idiotic, amateur mistake! How can I ever be any sort of assest to PIE, or even to the Empire, when I cannot even think clearly enough to perform such a basic duty? They shall be ashamed of me when I report it, as I must do. Why anyone would want me present in fleet operations, I do not know. Why anyone would want me at all, I do not know.
I will have a glass of Esfand to calm my nerves. A shame it cannot erase memories.
01-09-YC121
Between the Triglavians invading Nakri, my various duties, and the delightful distractions of Lilya, I have neglected this journal. Not, of course, that anyone but myself shall ever read these words, but the writing helps my focus.
I have also neglected Ioannis. I feel quite guilty for the unspoken message I gave him, a message that I cannot say was unintentional at the time. Yet I was not expecting for Lilya and I to become lovers. Perhaps Ioannis was genuine, but I have learned of his reputation, and I have no desire to be used by another selfish man, of being humiliated as the Archbishop did.
Ioannis sent the most beautiful gift - The Explorations of Soromia Vetragat" - and the most touching letter. It seems that unlike some others, Ioannis actually made some effort to understand me in our brief time working together. He also seems to have accepted that there can be nothing between us, although he cannot have known of Lilya and I when he wrote it, so he must have realised the vast gulf between our personal circumstances. Regardless, I do hope we will have the opportunity to work together again in the near future. There is still much work to be done on the site in Sarum Prime.
I am, however, a little more torn over his gift of the necklace. His ingenious, and delightful, game of recreating an actual book that was in fact a puzzle again showed he made pains to find out the sorts of things that please and amuse m, but upon opening it and seeing that beautiful sapphire necklace! He writes in his letter that it is a gift of apology for his behaviour, though he really not feel sorry for was it not I that kissed him? Yet, such an exquisite piece seems awfully valuable for a simple apology, and besides, the last time I was gifted a necklace was well, never mind, that is not important. I do wonder if I should return, though if I do so I shall not simply leave it without a word as I did with Constantin's bauble. I will speak to Ioannis and explain. I am sure he will understand.
I should prepare for my surgery. Lilya medical staff have finished growing my new eyeball and I will have it transplanted today. Lilya has been on fleet operations with LUMEN, but I hope she will be there when I come out from the anaesthetic. I took part in PIE operations last night, with Admiral Xideinis and Captain Shutaq (I really must get used to using their new titles), and two of our Crusade allies, and afterward Aldrith and I went to the Coffee House in Tanoo. I really rather think Aldrith took me there as a sort of sardonic joke, given it is owned by the Archbishop's family. That, and Aldrith is quite well aware I do not particularly like coffee. Still, it was pleasant to sit and talk with him, and it felt much like the days when we first met. I miss those days. Darker times are coming, and there is much that will bring us difficulty and sorrow. I am convinced that there are enemies close to home that others are not aware of, enemies that appear as friends and fool those who should stand as our allies. We shall need less conventional methods of warfare, I should think. Indeed, it may be necessary for us to make use of those who currently appear as enemies but should really be our friends - or at least willing, if ignorant, tools.
Such things seem so easy to write of, of course, so routine and mudane, despite their importance. Other things seem much harder. Death is a constant for warriors, of course, and more so for capsuleers, and yet, because of our immortal nature, it often seems meaningless, barely worth a mention. That is why, when a True Death occurs, it seems to unreal, as though such a thing cannot be. When one becomes a capsuleer, and experiences one's First Death, it loses its sting, its terrifying finality. Familiarity breeds contempt. Yet I think that such familiarity also means we cease understanding it, though that sounds somewhat counter-intuitive. We lose our concept of Death.
Doctor Druur Monakh is no longer among us. I do not know many details, but I understand that there was a cloning failure. It is rare, but it does happen, and it is a risk all capsuleers take, though one we barely think of at all. I am saddened, of course, and Lilya, understandably, is very, very upset. I thought nothing of the altercation I had with her, and now I regret that it was our last interaction. We had our differences, and I do not think anything would have resolved them, but it should not have been left the way it was. That is my fault, for I know she wished to talk with me, perhaps to make some form of peace between us, and now we never shall. I have asked Father Mikhail to light a candle in our chapel in her memory, and I pray that her soul finds rest. Lilya has been given the care of her children left behind - though one is now older than Lilya herself. I have promised to give all the assistance I can. Perhaps that way I can do something to make amends for the wrong I committed.
Between the Triglavians invading Nakri, my various duties, and the delightful distractions of Lilya, I have neglected this journal. Not, of course, that anyone but myself shall ever read these words, but the writing helps my focus.
I have also neglected Ioannis. I feel quite guilty for the unspoken message I gave him, a message that I cannot say was unintentional at the time. Yet I was not expecting for Lilya and I to become lovers. Perhaps Ioannis was genuine, but I have learned of his reputation, and I have no desire to be used by another selfish man, of being humiliated as the Archbishop did.
Ioannis sent the most beautiful gift - The Explorations of Soromia Vetragat" - and the most touching letter. It seems that unlike some others, Ioannis actually made some effort to understand me in our brief time working together. He also seems to have accepted that there can be nothing between us, although he cannot have known of Lilya and I when he wrote it, so he must have realised the vast gulf between our personal circumstances. Regardless, I do hope we will have the opportunity to work together again in the near future. There is still much work to be done on the site in Sarum Prime.
I am, however, a little more torn over his gift of the necklace. His ingenious, and delightful, game of recreating an actual book that was in fact a puzzle again showed he made pains to find out the sorts of things that please and amuse m, but upon opening it and seeing that beautiful sapphire necklace! He writes in his letter that it is a gift of apology for his behaviour, though he really not feel sorry for was it not I that kissed him? Yet, such an exquisite piece seems awfully valuable for a simple apology, and besides, the last time I was gifted a necklace was well, never mind, that is not important. I do wonder if I should return, though if I do so I shall not simply leave it without a word as I did with Constantin's bauble. I will speak to Ioannis and explain. I am sure he will understand.
I should prepare for my surgery. Lilya medical staff have finished growing my new eyeball and I will have it transplanted today. Lilya has been on fleet operations with LUMEN, but I hope she will be there when I come out from the anaesthetic. I took part in PIE operations last night, with Admiral Xideinis and Captain Shutaq (I really must get used to using their new titles), and two of our Crusade allies, and afterward Aldrith and I went to the Coffee House in Tanoo. I really rather think Aldrith took me there as a sort of sardonic joke, given it is owned by the Archbishop's family. That, and Aldrith is quite well aware I do not particularly like coffee. Still, it was pleasant to sit and talk with him, and it felt much like the days when we first met. I miss those days. Darker times are coming, and there is much that will bring us difficulty and sorrow. I am convinced that there are enemies close to home that others are not aware of, enemies that appear as friends and fool those who should stand as our allies. We shall need less conventional methods of warfare, I should think. Indeed, it may be necessary for us to make use of those who currently appear as enemies but should really be our friends - or at least willing, if ignorant, tools.
Such things seem so easy to write of, of course, so routine and mudane, despite their importance. Other things seem much harder. Death is a constant for warriors, of course, and more so for capsuleers, and yet, because of our immortal nature, it often seems meaningless, barely worth a mention. That is why, when a True Death occurs, it seems to unreal, as though such a thing cannot be. When one becomes a capsuleer, and experiences one's First Death, it loses its sting, its terrifying finality. Familiarity breeds contempt. Yet I think that such familiarity also means we cease understanding it, though that sounds somewhat counter-intuitive. We lose our concept of Death.
Doctor Druur Monakh is no longer among us. I do not know many details, but I understand that there was a cloning failure. It is rare, but it does happen, and it is a risk all capsuleers take, though one we barely think of at all. I am saddened, of course, and Lilya, understandably, is very, very upset. I thought nothing of the altercation I had with her, and now I regret that it was our last interaction. We had our differences, and I do not think anything would have resolved them, but it should not have been left the way it was. That is my fault, for I know she wished to talk with me, perhaps to make some form of peace between us, and now we never shall. I have asked Father Mikhail to light a candle in our chapel in her memory, and I pray that her soul finds rest. Lilya has been given the care of her children left behind - though one is now older than Lilya herself. I have promised to give all the assistance I can. Perhaps that way I can do something to make amends for the wrong I committed.
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