29-09-YC121

I do not normally prepare Esfand so strongly, but I most certainly needed it after returning from yet another of LUMEN's balls.  I should really avoid those particular gatherings, they seem to bring nothing but upset and troubles.  Indeed, I only attended because Lilya wanted me to be there, though I suspect that now we have had our first arguement, she may be regretting having her wishes granted.

Oh, Lilya, how can you be such a foolish girl?  To take a medication found in a wreck!  It may well have alleviated her anxiety about the ball, but she does not seem to realise it could have killed her.  Criminals transport all sorts of poisons, and what heartache it would have caused if it had proven to be her end!  I wish we had not argued, but when she told me what she had done I was overcome with anger at her unthinking naïveté, and panic at what could have been.  Yet it has made me think - have I once again fallen too quickly?  Am I really ready for this relationship, for any relationship?  I feel so strongly for her, and yet seeing Constantin made me realise that I still harbour feelings for him too.

One of those feelings, however, I most assuredly anger, and perhaps something stronger.  To see him dancing with his Matari whore the way the danced with me!  It was all I could do to not cause a scene.  I most certainly did not require Paladin Kley watching over me like some sort of hawkish schoolmistress.  How dare she speak to me like a child!  They all think I am an idiot, some simpleton backwater girl.  I see far more than they realise.  I saw clearly enough that Melisma had some sort of altercation with Sah, and even threw a drink in her face.  That she would do such a thing to a pregnant woman simply shows her utter lack of breeding, or what passes for breeding amongst the Tribals.  I wonder if Constantin will cast her aside for her actions, as he did for mine - which were far less aggressive, I might add.  Certainly when she left hurriedly, covered in shame and with her tail tucked between her legs, the good Archbishop quickly turned his attentions to another.  A most interesting choice of attentions too, I might add - a member of the enemy militia! His womanising is worse even than Commander Adams - who was there, incidentially, sniffing around the vulnerable young women as he usually does.  I also wonder if Directrix Aspenstar will issue more ridiculous sanctions against him as she did when I protect my own Honour - not that the Matari has any, and not that Constantin has the spine to do it himself.

Perhaps the Barraca family's loyalties are more open to question than Constantin would have us all believe?  At least I may be able to find some common ground with Sah, as she surely will not let that insult from a so-called diplomat slip away without proper redress.  One should hope that LUMEN is not entirely riddled with enemy sympathisers.  We shall soon find out no doubt.

I apparently was not the only one to have had a disagreeable evening.  Before our falling out, Lilya informed me that Aldrith had assaulted Diana Kim.  She was not aware of the reasoning, but I am quite confident that Aldrith would not have done such a thing without proper cause and provocation.  A pity, I rather liked Diana, at least for her unswerving dedication to the State.  Alas, the enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend.  Aldrith left soon after, unfortunately, just before I arrived, though Lady Newelle was still present, and even spoke to me.  She quite clearly noticed Lilya's displays of affection toward me, though she made no comment.  Not that Lady Newelle would, of course; she is far too well-bred to act in the same manner as all the Commoners.

Our own celebration for the Empress' Jubilee starts very soon, though in all truthfulness I have no real desire to go.  It will not be so open to all as LUMEN's social efforts are, of course, but Lilya will be there, because I asked her to go, and I am not sure after our parting that I am of a mind or heart to see her so soon.  Yet my presence is no doubt expected, and questions may be asked if I do not attend.   I have no desire to have Lady Newelle's chaindog Arline breathing down my neck and prying into my private affairs.  I suppose I had better present myself accordingly.  Perhaps I shall be fortunate enough to find excuse to leave early.

One or two drinks for fortification prior to leaving here would no doubt help.