6-12-YC121

I have been passed my final examination papers for the promotion to Paladin.  Lord Lok'ri assures me I may take my time, seek the advice and wisdom of more senior members of PIE, and that there is no one correct answer to any given question.  There are, however, incorrect answers, and whilst I am quite confident I shall be able to avoid that pitfall, I am still quite nervous.  I know I have so much to prove, to my commanders, my family, God, Her, and of course, to myself.  I cannot deny, also, less honourable motives behind my drive to succeed in this endeavour - ever since that Matari whore was revealed for what she truly is, I want to show Constantin what he threw away.  I want him to regret.

Is that cruel upon Lilya?  I feel so wicked for thinking in such a way, especially when she is so dear and sweet to me, despite our recent disagreement.  I told her about the examination, and she was nothing but supportive.  Yet when I tried to tell of my worries of the sickness within LUMEN'S midst, she seemed like all the others - dismissing my concerns as petty jealousy.  All of LUMEN seem alarmingly dismissive, uncaring even.  They have taken no steps to remove the disease, and I wonder - has the rot permeated so far into them that it is too late?  The only two members I truly trust are Lilya and Ishta.  I wish there was some way I could be sure of keeping them both safe from that corrupting influence.

Did that poisonous creature bring the illness that wracks them, or did she merely exacerbate something that was already there?  The fact that, as a group, they appear to have some sort of moral disquietude towards the Sarum Family's Sacred Duty is concerning enough, but I also hear rumours of them undertaking missions alongside actual Enemies of the Empire!  Lord Pitoojee has withdrawn Ishta's contract - a foolish and short-sighted move - because he apparently does not approve her taking part in Operations that support the Reclaiming.   I find it hard to believe that the Tribal witch would be able to influence such a one as Lord Pitoojee, and yet a fact is a fact - he has withdrawn Ishta.  Is that that bitch's influence, or was he already bound to waver in his service to God and the Empire?  Such a pity we cannot devise a way to bring Ishta into our family, especially given how special she is.  Perhaps I should speak more with Papa about the matter.

One thing I cannot do, however, is tell Sasha about what I and Father Mikhail have realised about Ishta.  We shall, eventually, but not now.  He has too much to concentrate on, and I think he still needs time to recover from the unwitting blow Lord Pitoojee has dealt him.

Or was it all that unwitting?

I feel another headache coming on.  I showed Lilya my cuts, I do not know why.  Perhaps, after our argument, I felt as though I should try to explain some things.  I do not know if I was successful.  I know I spoke, but I am not at all sure of what I said.  The thoughts are all confused in my mind - mixed with the anger and rage, it is so difficult to make sense of myself at times.  I think I should return to the warzone as soon as possible, for at least then I shall have focus.  I shall miss Lilya so.