30-05-YC121

The Triglavians have arrived, bringing their advanced tools of war with them.  I wish they would come here to Tanoo and turn their beams of death upon me.  Yet I look at the endless field of stars and see nothing but lifeless void.  There is a beauty to it all, but it is blurred by the tears in my eyes.  I pray the oblivion they bring will find me, but it does not come. It never comes.

Constantin has given me news I had never thought to hear.  When I arrived he was sitting on the floor of our suite, forlorn and dejected.  I thought something terrible had happened, another visitation of destruction such as he had seen on Anath.  The only destruction his words brought were to my heart.

Yesterday Druur, Doctor Monakh, approached Constantin and kissed him, for the second time.  He kept the first secret from me, hoping her indiscretion was simply some foolish mistake on her part.  It seem, however, it is he who was mistaken, and Doctor Monakh has feelings for the man I love.  Constantin tells me he does not return these feelings, and has no interest in her.  I want to believe him, but I can already feel the whispers within sowing doubt in my mind.  He feels guilty, and I want to trust that it is not because of wrongdoing on his part, but because he knows how hurt I am.  I know the Doctor and I are not friends, but I thought she would respect the sanctity of a relationship.  I feel so humiliated.  I know he feels guilty for not resisting her strongly enough, for not rebuking her as sternly as he should have.  Forgive me, My Love, but I want you to feel guilty for that.

I can hear him crying in the next room, as surely as he has heard my sobbing from here in the bedroom.  They are not the tears of a man caught out in a lie - those I know all too well.  No, they are tears of sorrow, as mine are.  Tears of loss, for I think we both realise that no matter what happens between us now, things can never be as perfect as they were just a few hours ago.  What we had has been forever changed.

It is my fault.  I should have been more careful, guarded my heart more, moved far slower in the relationship than I have.  Aldrith was right, as he always is, and my impatience has brought me nothing but sorrow and pain as it always does.  I am angry at myself, so very, very angry.  I also feel trapped - I cannot do that which I normally would do to bring relief from these emotions.  My Old Friend is back in Nakri, and it would only upset Kostya more.  I have surely done enough damage to him already.

I do not know what to do.  Do I pretend as though it has not happened?  I forgive him, though there is really nothing to forgive him for, but I do not think I shall ever be able to forget.  Already that Darkness in my mind conjures such terrible thoughts that I do not wish to have, thoughts that hurt my heart all the more.  Is this the end already?  I do not want it to be, but I fear that it must.  Have I been so idiotic and arrogant to think that I may have found lasting happiness that I am being punished for my hubris?  Did I not show enough gratitude for this gift of love?  I know I should have done so much more.  Perhaps I can still show how grateful I am, even though the happiness may turn out to be so fleeting.  I can still show I am penitent for my sins, even though it may not be enough to keep Constantin and I together.

I hate her so much.

I cannot think.  I cannot even write.  My tears are making it too difficult, soaking the paper and causing the ink to run and bleed.  Bleed like I should.  Paper and ink!  What another stupid conceit for stupid conceited girl!