30-04-YC121

I am in hospital.  My recollections are vague, but from what I have been told it seems my sickness was caused not by that which I had hoped so dearly for, but by exposure to the same toxin used against Liana.  It is, they say, a poison engineered deliberately for a genetic match, or near match, to Liana.  Yet is has affected a few people, including myself, just as powerefully as it has her.  Worse, in fact, as Liana has recovered already, whilst I still lie here, connected to a drip, and barely able to stomach anything much more substantial than liquid.

I have slept a lot, but I would rather have been awake, for it has not been restful sleep.  I dream of Alizabeth, my mind conjuring terrible images of her final moments.  I also dream of my failure in our most recent operation against the Heretics.  I so dearly wanted to avenge Alizabeth, but the Heretics have evolved their tactics dramatically, and instead of focusing fire on a single target until its destruction, they switch targets as the opportunity arises, warping to a safe distance to regroup once their target is destroyed.

I was not expecting to see my overview turn red as my tiny little Executioner was targeted by every one of the Heretic ships.  Needless to say it did not survive the first salvo.

I thought it simply an anomaly, like the one or two previous operations, and so I simply reshipped, but after two more losses it was clear I had become nothing more than a liability.  Even worse, I almost lost my pod.  I froze, lost focus, though I do not know why, and only escaped destruction, and waking in Nakri, by mere seconds.

I think, perhaps, the combination of failure, Alizabeth's tragic death, and the thought that I had almost allowed the death of Constantin's unborn child - as I believed it - was too much.  I am too weak.  My request to stand down from the fleet was granted, and I think Lord Consort Newelle was only too happy to agree.  I am sure he must be so very angry and disappointed with me, and I cannot blame him.  Admiral Xideinis was very kind in his supprtive words, and even in asking me to work on a fit-out for ther Coercer class that may be more effective than the Executioner design I developed, but the fact is undeniable - I failed.  My failure did not stop there.  Even though I thought I was with child, I went to the Cafe and started to drink.

The Lord Consort arrived not long afterwards, with Aria and Constantin.  He offered a toast to Alizabeth, but in general he was very cold with me.  I do not recall much more from then on.  I think that I felt nauseous, and made my excuses to go to the bathroom.  That is where Aria found me.  Constantin took me straight away to the LUMEN medical facilities.

I think that I recall it was at the med-bay that I was informed that a poison had been used against Liana, though I had suspected that already.  It was then I was also told that the same poison was causing my symptoms, and that I was not, after all, carrying Constantin's child.  I tried to leave, knowing my duty was to be with Liana, at least whilst she still wants me as her advisor, but they would not let me go.  The memory is blurred, as if I am trying to remember something that happened a very long time ago to someone else, but I think I became agitated and angry - so much so they had to sedate me.  I have been mostly unconscious since then, almost three days, perhaps four.  I have cuts on my arm.  I think I made them myself, but I do not remember clearly.

Constantin has to return to the Republic, to his duties.  I know he would not do so unless he had no choice, and he has been so kind. I do not think he has left my side since bringing me here, and I shall miss him.  He has not given up on me, despite my failures and weakness, at least not yet.  I do not deserve him.  I am not worthy of his love.

I feel my strength returning, and I will leave soon so that I can ensure Liana is truly well again.  I must also find out how the investigation I ordered I going, if they have uncovered any clues as to who may be behind this all.  Constantin will, I know, insist that I stay until I am fully recovered, and I know it is because he cares so deeply for me. Yet I must put my duty before all else, so I will wait until he has left for the Republic, then I will discharge myself.  I know he will understand, I just hope he will also forgive me.

I must also honour Alizabeth's memory, and I will not do so from a hospital bed, being weak and helpless.  I must take her example of strength even in the face of the harshest adversity.  She was, she still is, such an inspiration.  I shall miss her.