30-04-YC121
I am in hospital. My recollections are vague, but from what I have been told it seems my sickness was caused not by that which I had hoped so dearly for, but by exposure to the same toxin used against Liana. It is, they say, a poison engineered deliberately for a genetic match, or near match, to Liana. Yet is has affected a few people, including myself, just as powerefully as it has her. Worse, in fact, as Liana has recovered already, whilst I still lie here, connected to a drip, and barely able to stomach anything much more substantial than liquid.
I have slept a lot, but I would rather have been awake, for it has not been restful sleep. I dream of Alizabeth, my mind conjuring terrible images of her final moments. I also dream of my failure in our most recent operation against the Heretics. I so dearly wanted to avenge Alizabeth, but the Heretics have evolved their tactics dramatically, and instead of focusing fire on a single target until its destruction, they switch targets as the opportunity arises, warping to a safe distance to regroup once their target is destroyed.
I was not expecting to see my overview turn red as my tiny little Executioner was targeted by every one of the Heretic ships. Needless to say it did not survive the first salvo.
I thought it simply an anomaly, like the one or two previous operations, and so I simply reshipped, but after two more losses it was clear I had become nothing more than a liability. Even worse, I almost lost my pod. I froze, lost focus, though I do not know why, and only escaped destruction, and waking in Nakri, by mere seconds.
I think, perhaps, the combination of failure, Alizabeth's tragic death, and the thought that I had almost allowed the death of Constantin's unborn child - as I believed it - was too much. I am too weak. My request to stand down from the fleet was granted, and I think Lord Consort Newelle was only too happy to agree. I am sure he must be so very angry and disappointed with me, and I cannot blame him. Admiral Xideinis was very kind in his supprtive words, and even in asking me to work on a fit-out for ther Coercer class that may be more effective than the Executioner design I developed, but the fact is undeniable - I failed. My failure did not stop there. Even though I thought I was with child, I went to the Cafe and started to drink.
The Lord Consort arrived not long afterwards, with Aria and Constantin. He offered a toast to Alizabeth, but in general he was very cold with me. I do not recall much more from then on. I think that I felt nauseous, and made my excuses to go to the bathroom. That is where Aria found me. Constantin took me straight away to the LUMEN medical facilities.
I think that I recall it was at the med-bay that I was informed that a poison had been used against Liana, though I had suspected that already. It was then I was also told that the same poison was causing my symptoms, and that I was not, after all, carrying Constantin's child. I tried to leave, knowing my duty was to be with Liana, at least whilst she still wants me as her advisor, but they would not let me go. The memory is blurred, as if I am trying to remember something that happened a very long time ago to someone else, but I think I became agitated and angry - so much so they had to sedate me. I have been mostly unconscious since then, almost three days, perhaps four. I have cuts on my arm. I think I made them myself, but I do not remember clearly.
Constantin has to return to the Republic, to his duties. I know he would not do so unless he had no choice, and he has been so kind. I do not think he has left my side since bringing me here, and I shall miss him. He has not given up on me, despite my failures and weakness, at least not yet. I do not deserve him. I am not worthy of his love.
I feel my strength returning, and I will leave soon so that I can ensure Liana is truly well again. I must also find out how the investigation I ordered I going, if they have uncovered any clues as to who may be behind this all. Constantin will, I know, insist that I stay until I am fully recovered, and I know it is because he cares so deeply for me. Yet I must put my duty before all else, so I will wait until he has left for the Republic, then I will discharge myself. I know he will understand, I just hope he will also forgive me.
I must also honour Alizabeth's memory, and I will not do so from a hospital bed, being weak and helpless. I must take her example of strength even in the face of the harshest adversity. She was, she still is, such an inspiration. I shall miss her.
27-04-YC121
Alizabeth is dead! I heard this morning, though PIE was informed yesterday. As I was being sick, wondering if my dearest dream was coming true, a Hero of the Empire, Blessed of the Eternal Empress, a person I so dearly want to call my friend, and someone I so thoroughly admire had thrown herself alone into battle against the Heretics.
It was obviously a deliberate suicide. Oh, Alizabeth, why? I know you were troubled, but I swear I meant it when I said you deserved happiness, real, proper, true happiness.
I swear before the Eternal Empress, I shall honour Alizabeth's memory. I erect a small shrine to her in the family chapel, and ask Father Mikhail to say daily prayers. I swear too that I shall avenge what those foul Heretics did to her body, nailing her up for all to see. My God, please give me the strength to do this. I shall never be close to the equal of Alizabeth, never, but I promise I shall do all I can to eradicate the foul stain of Heresy. We have an operation against another one of their Foward Operating Bases later today - that shall be where my own personal Crusade shall start.
I can write no more. My mind keep going between the ghastly image of her fate, and the faces of her poor, dear children, and it is too hard to write through the tears. Oh, Alizabeth, I fear I failed you in life, though you had asked nothing of me. I shall do all I can to redeem myself to you, I promise, in Her name!
Alizabeth is dead! I heard this morning, though PIE was informed yesterday. As I was being sick, wondering if my dearest dream was coming true, a Hero of the Empire, Blessed of the Eternal Empress, a person I so dearly want to call my friend, and someone I so thoroughly admire had thrown herself alone into battle against the Heretics.
It was obviously a deliberate suicide. Oh, Alizabeth, why? I know you were troubled, but I swear I meant it when I said you deserved happiness, real, proper, true happiness.
I swear before the Eternal Empress, I shall honour Alizabeth's memory. I erect a small shrine to her in the family chapel, and ask Father Mikhail to say daily prayers. I swear too that I shall avenge what those foul Heretics did to her body, nailing her up for all to see. My God, please give me the strength to do this. I shall never be close to the equal of Alizabeth, never, but I promise I shall do all I can to eradicate the foul stain of Heresy. We have an operation against another one of their Foward Operating Bases later today - that shall be where my own personal Crusade shall start.
I can write no more. My mind keep going between the ghastly image of her fate, and the faces of her poor, dear children, and it is too hard to write through the tears. Oh, Alizabeth, I fear I failed you in life, though you had asked nothing of me. I shall do all I can to redeem myself to you, I promise, in Her name!
26-04-YC121
I have been feeling unwell this morning, with sickness on and off. It was the same yesterday, and the day before. Could it be that my wish has come true? I will have to make a discrete appointment to see a doctor as soon as my duties allow. I shall not tell Constantin until I am absolutely sure.
Oh, how I hope it is true!
I have been feeling unwell this morning, with sickness on and off. It was the same yesterday, and the day before. Could it be that my wish has come true? I will have to make a discrete appointment to see a doctor as soon as my duties allow. I shall not tell Constantin until I am absolutely sure.
Oh, how I hope it is true!
22-04-YC121
The LUMEN celebration was a most enjoyable event, with its share of surprises, and the highlight was, of course, being able to spend so long with Constantin.
He came to collect me, and when Lana brought him to my room I was not even close to choosing a dress. I thought he would help, but he did not - quite the opposite, for after but a few minutes we were both wearing far fewer clothes. It was the most enjoyable way to start the evening, though when we did eventually arrive at Gottin's Lamp we were already quite late.
I knew I would be overdressed choosing the dress I did, though no-one seemed to mind - and I was not too self-conscious. Our hostess, Lady Qerl, was as delightful and accomplished as ever. She is such a wonderful woman, so kind and charming, but she also has quite the hidden mischevious streak, I think. I had not realised, but Lady Qerl had organised what they call a "pool party", and everyone was expected to wear swimming costumes. I had brought nothing, of course, but dear, thoughtful Lady Qerl had made sure there were costumes, very modest ones, that one could make use of. She also teased poor Constantin mercilessly about keeping his chest covered. A pity, as he has such a magnificent body, but even an Archbishop - especially an Archbishop - must observe social mores.
We also met a man by the name of Halvora, if I recall correctly - I am not very good with Gallente names - a friend of Constantin's. He seemed quite well behaved, by Gallente standards, although I sense the two have something of a history, and he strikes me as the type who may lead Constantin into trouble. Nothing too serious, I should think, but I shall keep my eye on him nonetheless. Literia was also there. I did not speak to her, given she is a member of PNS, who stood against PIE in Thebeka. Why LUMEN should invite her I do not know, but it was not my place to question. She was with a young girl, a teenager, whom I assume must be her daughter. I did not catch her name, but she is an excellent swimmer.
I should have expected Ishta to be there, of course, but I simply had not thought of it. So it was something of an unpleasant surprise to see her. I thin were it not for Ishta's arrogance and constant smirk of assumed superiority, I could quite like her, but she knows I do not approve of her relationship with Alexandr, and she flaunts the fact they are together in my face. I tried to avoid talking to her altogether - until Constantin asked me what was wrong and told me something I had not known.
It had been Ishta who had requested Captain Daphiti authorise the shore-leave that allowed me to see Constantin. I had had not the slightest idea, and she done it because she had been so worried about how hard Constantin had been driving himself. Ishta had known that his seeing me, my being with him, would help him, and ensure he was properly cared for. I had not even imagined she would be so considerate, and I have repaid her cruelly. Though I still cannot approve of her seeing my brother - their stations in life are far too far apart - I felt so immediately terrible, I still do! I had to do the only correct thing, and I thanked her for her kindness. After the wickedness I inflicted upon her sister, for her to do something so kind for me, whether she meant it directly for me or Constantin or not! It seems whenever I try to do the right thing, I fail. I hope God can forgive my failings.
The drama of the night did not end there. We moved to the mud-bath - apaprently relaxing and good for the skin. Poor Constantin had to keep his shirt on, though it soaked through and was not as concealing as Lady Qerl had for, I think. The mud was indeed relaxing, for I was just beginning to fall asleep on My Love when Liana arrived.
She did not look well at all! Apaprently she has been feeling faint and vomiting for the last couple of days, and she even fell into the mud, face first. This was not Liana's usual clumsiness, and had I not quickly helped her up she would surely have drowned! She said she was well enough to sit with us, and she seemed a little better for doing so, but I am deeply concerned. Perhaps it is my own morbid turn of mind, my Darkness, but I worry that this may be no natural illness. I will make sure the security unit is in Nafrivik as soon as possible, though there seems to be some sort of delay, I know not why.
I must have fallen asleep on Constantin after all, no doubt a combination of the stress of the the last few days. I have also not been sleeping well, my nightmares have returned. I awoke this morning in a bed that Constantin had helped me into. He is so kind, I love him so much.
The LUMEN celebration was a most enjoyable event, with its share of surprises, and the highlight was, of course, being able to spend so long with Constantin.
He came to collect me, and when Lana brought him to my room I was not even close to choosing a dress. I thought he would help, but he did not - quite the opposite, for after but a few minutes we were both wearing far fewer clothes. It was the most enjoyable way to start the evening, though when we did eventually arrive at Gottin's Lamp we were already quite late.
I knew I would be overdressed choosing the dress I did, though no-one seemed to mind - and I was not too self-conscious. Our hostess, Lady Qerl, was as delightful and accomplished as ever. She is such a wonderful woman, so kind and charming, but she also has quite the hidden mischevious streak, I think. I had not realised, but Lady Qerl had organised what they call a "pool party", and everyone was expected to wear swimming costumes. I had brought nothing, of course, but dear, thoughtful Lady Qerl had made sure there were costumes, very modest ones, that one could make use of. She also teased poor Constantin mercilessly about keeping his chest covered. A pity, as he has such a magnificent body, but even an Archbishop - especially an Archbishop - must observe social mores.
We also met a man by the name of Halvora, if I recall correctly - I am not very good with Gallente names - a friend of Constantin's. He seemed quite well behaved, by Gallente standards, although I sense the two have something of a history, and he strikes me as the type who may lead Constantin into trouble. Nothing too serious, I should think, but I shall keep my eye on him nonetheless. Literia was also there. I did not speak to her, given she is a member of PNS, who stood against PIE in Thebeka. Why LUMEN should invite her I do not know, but it was not my place to question. She was with a young girl, a teenager, whom I assume must be her daughter. I did not catch her name, but she is an excellent swimmer.
I should have expected Ishta to be there, of course, but I simply had not thought of it. So it was something of an unpleasant surprise to see her. I thin were it not for Ishta's arrogance and constant smirk of assumed superiority, I could quite like her, but she knows I do not approve of her relationship with Alexandr, and she flaunts the fact they are together in my face. I tried to avoid talking to her altogether - until Constantin asked me what was wrong and told me something I had not known.
It had been Ishta who had requested Captain Daphiti authorise the shore-leave that allowed me to see Constantin. I had had not the slightest idea, and she done it because she had been so worried about how hard Constantin had been driving himself. Ishta had known that his seeing me, my being with him, would help him, and ensure he was properly cared for. I had not even imagined she would be so considerate, and I have repaid her cruelly. Though I still cannot approve of her seeing my brother - their stations in life are far too far apart - I felt so immediately terrible, I still do! I had to do the only correct thing, and I thanked her for her kindness. After the wickedness I inflicted upon her sister, for her to do something so kind for me, whether she meant it directly for me or Constantin or not! It seems whenever I try to do the right thing, I fail. I hope God can forgive my failings.
The drama of the night did not end there. We moved to the mud-bath - apaprently relaxing and good for the skin. Poor Constantin had to keep his shirt on, though it soaked through and was not as concealing as Lady Qerl had for, I think. The mud was indeed relaxing, for I was just beginning to fall asleep on My Love when Liana arrived.
She did not look well at all! Apaprently she has been feeling faint and vomiting for the last couple of days, and she even fell into the mud, face first. This was not Liana's usual clumsiness, and had I not quickly helped her up she would surely have drowned! She said she was well enough to sit with us, and she seemed a little better for doing so, but I am deeply concerned. Perhaps it is my own morbid turn of mind, my Darkness, but I worry that this may be no natural illness. I will make sure the security unit is in Nafrivik as soon as possible, though there seems to be some sort of delay, I know not why.
I must have fallen asleep on Constantin after all, no doubt a combination of the stress of the the last few days. I have also not been sleeping well, my nightmares have returned. I awoke this morning in a bed that Constantin had helped me into. He is so kind, I love him so much.
21-04-YC121
I am very grateful Alizabeth took the time last night to meet with me. I do not think there shall ever come a time when I am not awe-struck by her SIlver Magnate. It is not so much the ship itself, though it is surely the most beautiful vessel I have ever seen, let alone been aboard, but rather what she signifies. That ship not only speaks volumes of Alizabeth skill upon the field of battle - for who other than a truly blessed warrior could even partake in the the Succession Trials - but also is a Testament to the strength and purity of Alizabeth's soul.
My only wish is that Alizabeth could see it. She seems more wracked with self-doubt than I myself have ever been, even in my darkest moments. I feel for her, I do. I like her, and when she spoke of her wishes for the future, my heart truly went out to her. I do worry some dark fate awaits her, but I shall pary to God and the Eternal Empress every day that she is blessed with the happiness she so truly deserves. Alizabeth may well not have been born or raised with the Empire, but she has more Faith, Honour, and Integrity than many here, and surely she is an example to us all.
I must feel most comfortable in her presence, though I cannot exactly expain why. She appeared most please with my gift of a bottle of our family vodka, though a little suprised when I embraced her and kissed her cheeks. She had already prepared the ritual bath for ablutions, and I disrobed there in front of her. She made no mention of my Souvenirs at all, though when I saw that she, too, carries her own scars of the past upon her body, I understood the reasons behind her discretion. Perhaps, in time, if we become the friends I hope we shall be, I shall learn more of her history, and she of mine. We then prayed together, and I included her within my supplications to Her, for I felt it only right. Afterwards we spoke for a little while, of hopes and dreams for the future, but, alas, duties for us both cut our time short. Hopefully we shall see one another again soon. I think we should both like that.
I only have a few hours before Contantin is due to arrive and collect me for the LUMEN gathering. I am rather looking forward to it, though I do not have the first idea about what I shall wear. Constantin is most adept at choosing items that complement me - I suppose he must see me with a rather more appreciative eye than I see myself. I shall ask him when he arrives.
I am very grateful Alizabeth took the time last night to meet with me. I do not think there shall ever come a time when I am not awe-struck by her SIlver Magnate. It is not so much the ship itself, though it is surely the most beautiful vessel I have ever seen, let alone been aboard, but rather what she signifies. That ship not only speaks volumes of Alizabeth skill upon the field of battle - for who other than a truly blessed warrior could even partake in the the Succession Trials - but also is a Testament to the strength and purity of Alizabeth's soul.
My only wish is that Alizabeth could see it. She seems more wracked with self-doubt than I myself have ever been, even in my darkest moments. I feel for her, I do. I like her, and when she spoke of her wishes for the future, my heart truly went out to her. I do worry some dark fate awaits her, but I shall pary to God and the Eternal Empress every day that she is blessed with the happiness she so truly deserves. Alizabeth may well not have been born or raised with the Empire, but she has more Faith, Honour, and Integrity than many here, and surely she is an example to us all.
I must feel most comfortable in her presence, though I cannot exactly expain why. She appeared most please with my gift of a bottle of our family vodka, though a little suprised when I embraced her and kissed her cheeks. She had already prepared the ritual bath for ablutions, and I disrobed there in front of her. She made no mention of my Souvenirs at all, though when I saw that she, too, carries her own scars of the past upon her body, I understood the reasons behind her discretion. Perhaps, in time, if we become the friends I hope we shall be, I shall learn more of her history, and she of mine. We then prayed together, and I included her within my supplications to Her, for I felt it only right. Afterwards we spoke for a little while, of hopes and dreams for the future, but, alas, duties for us both cut our time short. Hopefully we shall see one another again soon. I think we should both like that.
I only have a few hours before Contantin is due to arrive and collect me for the LUMEN gathering. I am rather looking forward to it, though I do not have the first idea about what I shall wear. Constantin is most adept at choosing items that complement me - I suppose he must see me with a rather more appreciative eye than I see myself. I shall ask him when he arrives.
18-04-YC121
So many things to attend to, and so little time, it seems. How joyous to spend a day with my family, celebrating Nikolai's birthday! Of course, it is a shame Nikolai cannot also be here, indeed, it was only Mama, Felix, and I - though Kolya did manage a comm from his ship, which made Mama ever so happy. We had jsut enough time to sing a little song before the comm ended automatically. I do hope he is home soon, but the Navy will have him on operations as long as is required, and with the current situation within our Empire, that might be some time. Papa and Sasha have been terribly busy also.
I have had a message from Constantin. He would like me to accompany him to a little celebration LUMEN are having in a couple of days. It is a private affair, but I shall be delighted to spend time with him. Everyone from LUMEN worked so hard and tirelessly - and selflessly- in Aridia that they most surely deserve some sort of opportunity to relax. They may be a more civilian organisation than PIE, but the work they do is invaluable and our Empire would suffer all the more without their assistance. I too would be for the worse, for I would never have met my beloved.
Alizabeth has also agreed to allow me to meet her, that I may give thanks in her shrine dedicated to Her. Such kindness. Many, I think, see only the hardened warrior, the noble and fearless protector of our Motherland, but I, for one, see that Aliabeth is more than that. She and I are quite similar in many ways, or at least I believe we are. I hope I shall be able to spend a little time with her, perhaps in more settled times. I will she her before the LUMEN gathering, and give thanks to my Eternal Empress for all the blessings I have been gifted.
So many things to attend to, and so little time, it seems. How joyous to spend a day with my family, celebrating Nikolai's birthday! Of course, it is a shame Nikolai cannot also be here, indeed, it was only Mama, Felix, and I - though Kolya did manage a comm from his ship, which made Mama ever so happy. We had jsut enough time to sing a little song before the comm ended automatically. I do hope he is home soon, but the Navy will have him on operations as long as is required, and with the current situation within our Empire, that might be some time. Papa and Sasha have been terribly busy also.
I have had a message from Constantin. He would like me to accompany him to a little celebration LUMEN are having in a couple of days. It is a private affair, but I shall be delighted to spend time with him. Everyone from LUMEN worked so hard and tirelessly - and selflessly- in Aridia that they most surely deserve some sort of opportunity to relax. They may be a more civilian organisation than PIE, but the work they do is invaluable and our Empire would suffer all the more without their assistance. I too would be for the worse, for I would never have met my beloved.
Alizabeth has also agreed to allow me to meet her, that I may give thanks in her shrine dedicated to Her. Such kindness. Many, I think, see only the hardened warrior, the noble and fearless protector of our Motherland, but I, for one, see that Aliabeth is more than that. She and I are quite similar in many ways, or at least I believe we are. I hope I shall be able to spend a little time with her, perhaps in more settled times. I will she her before the LUMEN gathering, and give thanks to my Eternal Empress for all the blessings I have been gifted.
13-04-YC121
It has been a most busy few days, I have, again, neglected this diary - and yet I feel I have barely anything to write. Assisting the Navy with patrols has meant I have seen a lot of action, but little of any real significance - certainly not as grand or impressive as my comrades, especially Lieutenant Lioncourt or Captain Elkin. Between patrols, of course, there is putting thing in place in, and for, Nafrivik. Again, there is little solid to see as yet, but then as I am sure Papa would wisely intone, the more unseen preparations, the more successful the results - or something akin to that. Papa would phrase it much more profoundly.
I miss Constantin, painfully so. I have not even had time to communicate much with him, though we have written to one another. Every time I read his words I fall in love with him all over again - not that there is the slightest chance of my ever not being in love with him. I wish I could write a beautifully as he. I do worry he must find my replies tragically dull and uninspiring, but words fail me, and I find it so hard to convey my true feelings.
The Directrix shared with me the most wonderful idea, and I curse myself that I did not think of it sooner. A virtual world, a special, unique creation for Constantin and I. Indeed, created by us, together. We can touch, and feel, and sense, as though we were together in reality - and I hear, do the things we do together in reality! I shall suggest it to My Love when next we speak. I am sure he will agree, for it will help the both of us to accept a little easier our being apart.
I have so much to be thankful for, and so many happy events have enriched my life of late, that I know I should give proper thanks to God and to Her. There is only one place I can think sacred and special enough, but of course I must ask permission to visit it. I shall also contact Alizabeth, and humbly request a little time aboard her Silver Magnate. It will also be a welcome opportunity to speak with Alizabeth herself, and perhaps get to know her better. I do so very much like the Marshal Protector, and admire her even more - I harbour a hope, foolish perhaps but sincere nonetheless, that we may become friends in time.
It has been a most busy few days, I have, again, neglected this diary - and yet I feel I have barely anything to write. Assisting the Navy with patrols has meant I have seen a lot of action, but little of any real significance - certainly not as grand or impressive as my comrades, especially Lieutenant Lioncourt or Captain Elkin. Between patrols, of course, there is putting thing in place in, and for, Nafrivik. Again, there is little solid to see as yet, but then as I am sure Papa would wisely intone, the more unseen preparations, the more successful the results - or something akin to that. Papa would phrase it much more profoundly.
I miss Constantin, painfully so. I have not even had time to communicate much with him, though we have written to one another. Every time I read his words I fall in love with him all over again - not that there is the slightest chance of my ever not being in love with him. I wish I could write a beautifully as he. I do worry he must find my replies tragically dull and uninspiring, but words fail me, and I find it so hard to convey my true feelings.
The Directrix shared with me the most wonderful idea, and I curse myself that I did not think of it sooner. A virtual world, a special, unique creation for Constantin and I. Indeed, created by us, together. We can touch, and feel, and sense, as though we were together in reality - and I hear, do the things we do together in reality! I shall suggest it to My Love when next we speak. I am sure he will agree, for it will help the both of us to accept a little easier our being apart.
I have so much to be thankful for, and so many happy events have enriched my life of late, that I know I should give proper thanks to God and to Her. There is only one place I can think sacred and special enough, but of course I must ask permission to visit it. I shall also contact Alizabeth, and humbly request a little time aboard her Silver Magnate. It will also be a welcome opportunity to speak with Alizabeth herself, and perhaps get to know her better. I do so very much like the Marshal Protector, and admire her even more - I harbour a hope, foolish perhaps but sincere nonetheless, that we may become friends in time.
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