28-07-YC121

If it is God who places True Love for another in our hearts, then it is just as surely God who takes it away again. What once was mine is mine no longer, and I am bereft for it.

The Love that Kost Constantin had in his heart for me is gone.  The most beautiful star in the sky, my Light in the Darkness, is snuffed out, and I am cast-adrift.  Abandoned.  Lost.

I do not know why.  I heard Constantin's words as he spoke them to me, but even now, in the cold after-light of loss, I do not truly understand his reasons.  He said we hurt one another, made one another miserable, but he brought me only joy and happiness!  So it can only be that God has hardened Constantin's heart against me, and that can only be to punish me.

Sasha found me, curled behind the desk of my office, my face streaked with tears, my arm with blood.  He bound the cuts I had made, but said nothing.  If he saw the gun, he made no comment.

I had wanted to, so desperately, and yet God took even the strength for that away from me, but I think it is perhaps because I have not earned the right to end it all. 

There is something left undone, and I believe I know what it is that remains.  I have stood in the way and attempted to deny the Love that Sashsa and Ishta have for one another, and have been punished by losing the Love that, until but a few hours ago, made my life such a beautiful place.  My weakness, my Darkness, my failings.  All have brought God's punishment upon me.  I must redeem myself by bringing Ishta back to Sasha, by finding her and reuniting them.  Yes, it may be true that I am not worthy of God's Gift of Love, but others are.  I must, as hard as I can, try to bury the heartache, the rising call of that Unclean Force within me; push it down and try to focus on the task at hand.  Once Ishta is safe, perhaps then God will grant me the courage to find peace.

I pray to God's Mercy that courage is granted.  I cannot live with pain like this.

I also pray God keeps Constantin safe.  If the Love from my heart must be taken to keep him warm and protected, then let it be so, even that it leave my heart empty and barren, never to be filled.  Constantin deserves only joy, only happiness.  Please God, grant him, your Devoted and Faithful, Servant, all that his heart desires, what- or whosoever it may be.  If I can know that is what will be, I shall die at least with some peace.

26-07-YC121

We missed her by moments.  The enemy fled the station, using another shuttle during the confusion of our boarding. Had I not been occupied with the station's defences I would have seen it leave, I am sure, but Dido is fitted for stealth and surveillance, not combat, and I had to concentrate on keeping her intact.  I was fortunate to intercept the coded message burst from the station, and order the team to evacuate before the "purge" noted in the message took place.

The "guest" the message refers to can only mean Ishta, so she is in the hands of this still mysterious enemy.  The message burst was directed planet-side again, so they must have returned there.   It will take some time to triangulate the exact destination of the message, and even then I cannot be sure that is actually where they went.  However, it is the only starting place we have.

I am curious as to who, or what, the "Prime" mentioned in the message refers too.  Most likely the leader of this group, but I look forward to finding out exactly who that is.  More importantly, I need to find and recover Ishta.  I owe it to both her and Sasha.

25-07-YC121


Adamia has detected a brief signal from the planet.  It is Ishta's emergency beacon, but only a short burst.  It may have been cut off, or it may be a false alarm.  I am having Adamia and Dyachenko investigate more thoroughly.  I do not want to make an unnecessary extraction and give ourselves away to whoever this enemy is.  We need to get that information.  I have to give Ishta more time.




Sasha has utterly ignored my orders!   He has taken the entire team planet-side, no doubt to rescue Ishta, and he is not responding to my comms.  This is total insubordination, and could very well jeopardise everything!

Yet I know what drives him - his Love for Ishta.  I admire him for it.



Sasha has reported back.  There was a confrontation, but little meaningful resistance from the facility.  Indeed, it seems they were beginning the process of evacuating.  The team encountered some sort of augmented warriors, similar, from Sasha's initial reports, to Khanid cyber-knights.  I sincerely hope they are not Khanid, for that would seriously complicate matters.

There is no sign of Ishta, and they could not have taken her very far from the facility.  I am checking everything I can think of.  If anything has happened to her, I do not know I shall be able to forgive myself.  Sasha most certainly will not.



A sweep of the planet and its atmosphere revealed a shuttle launch not long after Ishta's signal was cut off.  It should be relatively simple to trace its passage, but I will have to hurry.  I will have more chance of success from Dido.

Sasha confirms there are signs of a firefight and conflict prior to the team arriving.  The enemy must have somehow detected Ishta, and she tried withdraw.  I know, deep down, it is my fault.  The second hack.  It was not as stealthy as I had hoped.

25-07-YC121

Ishta left for the mission early this morning.  I insisted she take a blessing from Father Mikhail after Alexandr and I gave her a final briefing.  I must say she accept the blessing not only willingly, but with all the solemn grace of True Faithful.  Could it be she has actually accepted God into her heart?  I truly hope so, for I fear she will need all the protection of a nature far greater than that of mortal technology.

I spoke with Father Mikhail privately after she had left for the planet's surface.  I confessed my weak and sinful thoughts and feelings over Sasha and Ishta.  I knew the Father's words would be profound, but did not expect them to be so moving.  Everything he said was right and true.

Love comes not from the human heart, but from God's Kindness and Grace.  We do not choose it, nor who we feel Love for, not truly.  God places it in our hearts for another chosen for us, one who compliments and elevates us. One who completes us.  Have I not had the beauty of such Love placed in my heart for Constantin?  Then who am I to question the Love that has been placed in Sasha's heart for Ishta, and in Ishta's for Sasha?  I have no right to stand in its way, to deny it, or to try to mar and spoil it.

I see and understand now the wickedness of my thoughts, of my animosity towards their feelings for on another.  I pray God will forgive my weakness.  It shall be difficult for me, because of the many things Ishta represents to me, but I must either be strong or at the very least hide my selfish failings away.

I pray that Ishta returns well and unharmed, and I pray that she is rewarded soon with that which she seeks.  She deserves to find peace and happiness, far more than I ever shall.  If   When she returns I hope I can find the courage to say these words to her, so that she may know I no longer harbour any ill-will towards her.

Sirna found her rightful place, through the Grace of God.  I think perhaps Ishta has too.

24-07-YC121

Papa's birthday!  Everyone is here at home; even Kolya, but then when one's father is Chief Pilot-Navigator, one cannot really be denied Special Leave for a day!  Oh, but it is godd to have the whole family here.

Excellent cakes and treats from the kitchen as always!  We really are spoiled with our domestic staff.  I think Papa was quite happy with his gift of Caldari Navy Rum.  I must remember to thank Felix for acquiring that for me. Mama is overjoyed that he has moved the main office for his corporation to this station, and main manufacturing operations to the Sarum station at Nakri V-5.  It means he can be close by more often.  Mama would never admit it, but she does get lonely when everyone is away.

 Kolya played the accordion beautifully; I can only hope my singing was the equal of it, though everyone danced along.  I only wish Kolya had not insisted on repeating it again and again and faster each time!  I was quite out of breath.

Mama had bought Papa a most handsome new suit and coat.  He looked the absolute picture of refinement in it, and was ever so proud of it.  He will turn many a head at the next Navy Officers' Dinner, I am quite sure.

Father Mikhail arrived a little later for a more composed and refined dinner.  Afterwards he led us in prayers for many more long years for Papa, and gave his blessings to us all.  I thought a few silent prayers of my own.  I will try to speak with Father Mikhail before I leave for Nafrivik again.

We sang songs, played games, and laughed all day.  My happy little family together again, if just for one day.  I am so very grateful.

Yet again, I found myself between Felix and Dzerzhinsky at one point, so I made my wish.

I was looking at Sasha when I made it, though he was busy teasing Ramina over the news that Felix has, apparently, begun courting her.  Poor Sasha.  He disguises it well, but I know he is worrying terribly.

I wish for Ishta to come back safely.

23-07-YC121

Ishta will leave for her mission soon.  I still have reservations over sending her.  There is something that unsettles me, but I cannot determine what it is.  It is more than simple uneasiness.  It is a constant, intangible feeling that something is not right.

I had hoped the initial attempt to slice into the target's data-storage would have been succesful, but their security measures are impressive.  Far too sophisticated for a simple, legitimate business, and overly strong even for a minor criminal gang.  No, there is something, or someone, more significant, more sinister, at work here.  I do not recognise it as being anything those that vile Cartel use, and it does not seem the sort of illict operation the Heretics would run.

I am very tempted to make a second attempt.  Adamia and Dyachenko are very good at what they do, and adding my own skills into it may be enough, but if not, there is a risk of alerting them that we, or at least someone, has uncovered their nefarious enterprise and taken an interest; and that could increase the risk for Ishta.  For Sasha's sake, I do not know if I am willing to do that, but then, it may save us the trouble of having to get an operative not only in, but out again!  I would do anything to save my little brother from the pain of losing the person he so clearly cares for.



I have given it much thought.  We will try one last time to remotely access their data.  If we succeed, we need not place anyone at risk.  If we fail, I am quite confident we can cover our tracks so that they will never know we made the attempt.

23-07-YC121

I had hoped that surprising My Darling Kostya with a comm would bring a smile to his beautiful face, but he looked so tired, as though his duties weigh heavily upon him again.  I pray I am not a burden to him.  He says such worrying things about how he causes me pain and he fails me.  Nothing could be further from the truth!  His Love for me, and mine for him, is what keeps me strong.  If anything, I am failing you, Moya Zvezda.  You are leading fleets again the hated invaders, showing such bravery and courage, whilst I am dealing with such minor trivialities here in Nafrivik.  I should run to be with you there, facing the dangers with you!

I know the loss of crews will hurt him so deeply also.  Such a good, kind, pure soul as his should not be facing these trials.  Yet, I know that soul is strong enough to come through just as pure and kind, unscathed by the horrors that would twist with darkness a weaker, lesser spirit.  Like mine.

Oh, Moy Lyubovnik, I promise I shall come to you soon, and do all I can to lift your spirits.  If you will only still have me, I swear before God and The Eternal Empress, I shall make you feel as happy, contented, and loved as anyone ever did.  The same way you make me feel.

I Love You, Constantin Baracca, with all my Heart and Soul. I always shall! All that I have, all that I am, is Yours!