14-06-YC122
I have been promoted to Imperial Major! It is true that few of the Units who aid the Crusade care much for the basic ranks of the Militia, but ever since I entered the Academy, indeed, even before, I had always wanted to achieve this rank.
Imperial Major Ekaterina Mariya deSilvestris - it has a certain martial sound to it, I think.
Of course, I had not quite expected to celebrate it the way I did. It started with an invitation from the Directrix herself to the Awards Ceremony for the Writing Competition. I have not followed it, but given how busy we have been, there was a chance that there would be no PIE representative there if I had not gone, and it presented a welcome break from duties. In the end, Paladin Kley was there, as was Lord Gallius. It was a pleasant Ceremony, and I am sure the prizes were well deserved. Elsebeth Rhiannon swept the board, with a total of six medals, though she did not look entirely pleased about it. Tribals are so rarely grateful, and no doubt she had some sort of disagreement about being awarded a prize by an Amarrian. Why they cannot, for one night, rise above such base hostility and simply appreciate the Directrix's efforts to celebrate all the culture of New Eden, I shall never know. I feel sort for poor Lunarisse at times. She puts in so much effort for so little gratitude in return.
Of greatest surprise was Constantin being there. I had not expected to see him, especially as he was alone. He seemed so tired and worn, I fear he is again failing to look after himself. I would not have let that happen. Perhaps I should have kept my distance and leave him be, but when he appeared to be limping, or at least nursing some sort of injury, I could not help myself.
I think he was most surprised to see me. Indeed, I know he was! We chatted, idly, for a little while, but I could not get him to open up to me, not as he used to. More than likely he is closing himself off to protect me, but I pray that if he will not talk to me, he at least is talking to someone. I would have thought that a lover's role, but perhaps some lover are not up to the task.
I know I should not have, but I told him what I had been keeping inside me all this time. Perhaps I wanted to lift his heart a little. Perhaps I wanted to lift mine. I do not know, but as we parted I told him the truth, that I have never hated him, have never held anything in my heart but that which I have always held for him. Now, in the sober loneliness of the next day, I wish he had not replied the way he did. He told me he still loves me, and has never stopped.
Oh, but if only the night had stopped there. I look back, rewind the entire chain of events in my mind and I still not know what I was thinking. One thing I can say for sure, however, is that Commander Adams is not the shameless lothario his reputation would have so many believe. He is, however, at once the most irreverent, frustrating clown I have ever met and a rather sweet rogue who makes me smile despite myself. Who else but he would sit out of sight whistling some silly song that I recognised from one of our previous meetings whilst I sat there taking to Constantin?
What else is there to write? I would have done so much more than simply slept with his arms wrapped around me last night, but he was a gentleman who refused to take advantage of me. It is not that I was inebriated, though I had had some drinks, but I was lonely, and he could see that. I think he was too, and he had been looking for more, though not from me specifically. I think what changed his intentions was my mentioning being in a relationship. I respect him for that, it is the mark of good character, but I am also grateful that he did spend the night holding me.
It was wrong, I know, and I do not know how I shall face Lilya. I cannot justify my actions, no matter how much I may place the blame on the stress and isolation that my near constant cycle of various duties may cause me. Lilya has not seen me for the same amount of time I have not seen her, yet I can absolutely guarantee she has done no such immoral act.
I cannot deny that it was desire that drove me, and not just the desire to avoid being alone, to feel the warmth of someone beside me. It was also a more base desire, a carnal one, in part because of seeing Constantin yet not being able to have him, and in part because, in all truth, Edward is an extremely attractive man.
I shall just have to accept the guilt. It is not as though it is the only guilt I shall carry with me.
09-06-YC122
My dear Kolya has been back all too briefly, but at least we know that he is well. As the Battle of Raravoss raged, my brave brother was tasked with ensuring the safe evacuation of as many innocent civilians as possible to neighbouring system, as task he performed as admirably as anyone could. I know the defeat will sting him, as it has all of us, but in the face of such betrayal by those who would turn their backs on their own species, what could my brother do? What could any of us do?
Kolya was only here for a day and night before being redeployed again. I pray to God and the Eternal Empress to keep my darling brother safe. I pray also for my little Sasha, for he too is soon to be sent against this inhuman enemy, and whereas Kolya strikes at them with laser batteries and ship-borne weapons, Sasha role will no doubt mean that he will be against them quite literally face-to-face.
Mama and Papa are doing their part as well, and showing their beautiful hearts and humanity. We are offering all the help we can to the refugees from Raravoss, giving them shelter, food, and work if they need it. Felix too, has turned our industrial interests to this changed war effort.
Which leaves only myself, wondering what use I should be. I think, perhaps, I should put my real skills and interests to use, those that took me to the Academy in the first place. In all honesty, I have no real stomach for the war against the Minmatar. I cannot say such out loud, of course, but I fail to see the point of it. A waste of time, effort, materiel, and lives, for what? What, exactly, shall it gain us? We fight constantly over systems, pouring our energy into it, only for their militia to do the same and take the system back; and even though we have apparently held Floseswin for something near a week now, our ground forces on the fourth planet are retreating to the cities on the Southern hemisphere. What is the use in holding a system if we cannot also hold the planets within it? And all the while, a mutual enemy, the hated invader, relentlessly attacks systems across New Eden, uncaring of which Empire to whom they belong, supported by traitors, betrayers, and alien-sympathisers.
It is they who are the real enemy, and it is they whom we should be fighting.
My dear Kolya has been back all too briefly, but at least we know that he is well. As the Battle of Raravoss raged, my brave brother was tasked with ensuring the safe evacuation of as many innocent civilians as possible to neighbouring system, as task he performed as admirably as anyone could. I know the defeat will sting him, as it has all of us, but in the face of such betrayal by those who would turn their backs on their own species, what could my brother do? What could any of us do?
Kolya was only here for a day and night before being redeployed again. I pray to God and the Eternal Empress to keep my darling brother safe. I pray also for my little Sasha, for he too is soon to be sent against this inhuman enemy, and whereas Kolya strikes at them with laser batteries and ship-borne weapons, Sasha role will no doubt mean that he will be against them quite literally face-to-face.
Mama and Papa are doing their part as well, and showing their beautiful hearts and humanity. We are offering all the help we can to the refugees from Raravoss, giving them shelter, food, and work if they need it. Felix too, has turned our industrial interests to this changed war effort.
Which leaves only myself, wondering what use I should be. I think, perhaps, I should put my real skills and interests to use, those that took me to the Academy in the first place. In all honesty, I have no real stomach for the war against the Minmatar. I cannot say such out loud, of course, but I fail to see the point of it. A waste of time, effort, materiel, and lives, for what? What, exactly, shall it gain us? We fight constantly over systems, pouring our energy into it, only for their militia to do the same and take the system back; and even though we have apparently held Floseswin for something near a week now, our ground forces on the fourth planet are retreating to the cities on the Southern hemisphere. What is the use in holding a system if we cannot also hold the planets within it? And all the while, a mutual enemy, the hated invader, relentlessly attacks systems across New Eden, uncaring of which Empire to whom they belong, supported by traitors, betrayers, and alien-sympathisers.
It is they who are the real enemy, and it is they whom we should be fighting.
02-06-YC122
The news that Raravoss has fallen to the Triglavians is sweeping through the station. That is not strictly true, at least as I write this, but I fear that it may be true before long. To think that there are those amongst us who would betray their own species to the vermin. I can only pray that the invaders commit their own betray and these human traitors suffer a painful and agonising death for what they have done.
It is said that the invaders are interested in only particular types of star, which, it seems, Raravoss is cursed with. But how often in history have invaders settled for just one small patch of territory? Now that they have discovered there is a stratum of sub-human filth who would wilfully and fawningly do the bidding of their alien masters, they will seek to spread. Who is to say that they cannot harness the power of other types of star. It is true, the invaders are a plague send by God to punish us, a scourge on humanity.
Help me God. Eternal Empress have Mercy. I despair. I feel such hopelessness. I am trying to be strong in my Faith, but I fear it is not strong enough. Even with the help of my tincture my nerves are frayed. That is why I committed that outburst against Arrendis. I have, of course, apologised, and she accepted it. I was, I admit, not expecting her to be so understanding, but perhaps that merely shows my own weakness contrasted with her strength.
There must be a way, through Prayer and Faith. I have only to be strong, and I shall try to be. I can see the strain on my family, on Mama and Papa and my brothers, and yet they do not buckle and crack as I do. Koyla, Dear Kolya, is my anchor. He should be the heir to this family, not I.
The invaders are advanced in their technology, but God would not create them to be invincible. It is a test for the Faithful, and there must be a way to pass the test. The enemy must be prone to at least one mistake, the must have at least one flaw that can be exploited. Perhaps their tactics? Perhaps their strategy?
The Faithful shall survive, and I shall pray for them to do so.
The news that Raravoss has fallen to the Triglavians is sweeping through the station. That is not strictly true, at least as I write this, but I fear that it may be true before long. To think that there are those amongst us who would betray their own species to the vermin. I can only pray that the invaders commit their own betray and these human traitors suffer a painful and agonising death for what they have done.
It is said that the invaders are interested in only particular types of star, which, it seems, Raravoss is cursed with. But how often in history have invaders settled for just one small patch of territory? Now that they have discovered there is a stratum of sub-human filth who would wilfully and fawningly do the bidding of their alien masters, they will seek to spread. Who is to say that they cannot harness the power of other types of star. It is true, the invaders are a plague send by God to punish us, a scourge on humanity.
Help me God. Eternal Empress have Mercy. I despair. I feel such hopelessness. I am trying to be strong in my Faith, but I fear it is not strong enough. Even with the help of my tincture my nerves are frayed. That is why I committed that outburst against Arrendis. I have, of course, apologised, and she accepted it. I was, I admit, not expecting her to be so understanding, but perhaps that merely shows my own weakness contrasted with her strength.
There must be a way, through Prayer and Faith. I have only to be strong, and I shall try to be. I can see the strain on my family, on Mama and Papa and my brothers, and yet they do not buckle and crack as I do. Koyla, Dear Kolya, is my anchor. He should be the heir to this family, not I.
The invaders are advanced in their technology, but God would not create them to be invincible. It is a test for the Faithful, and there must be a way to pass the test. The enemy must be prone to at least one mistake, the must have at least one flaw that can be exploited. Perhaps their tactics? Perhaps their strategy?
The Faithful shall survive, and I shall pray for them to do so.
31-05-YC122
As much as it pains me to admit it, I realise I rather owe Arrendis an apology. My insult to her was, on reflection, not only unwarranted, but it was entirely unbecoming of someone of my social position. I suppose the anxiety I feel at the close proximity of Triglavian activity to Nakri, and the unpleasant revelation that there are certain parties who feel that they should be appeased by being given control of an Imperial solar system got the better of my judgement. As much as I dislike Arrendis and as much as she has been on the opposing side countless times, in this particular instance she is an ally, albeit an uncomfortable one. She, like many others who are not Imperial subjects, has put aside any personal feelings she may have toward the Empire and has acted in its defence. I should, in all honesty, respect and be grateful for that. Therefore, when next I connect to The Summit - and I still utterly detest that forum - should she be there, I shall offer my apologies. It makes little difference whether or not accepts or acknowledges such a gesture, the point is that it is the correct and proper thing to do.
Aldrith is formulating a doctrine that we may take our own actions against this alien enemy. The difficulties facing us are significant, but with intelligence and Faith, we shall overcome, as Amarr has always overcome. God is on our side, and The Eternal Empress shall never allow Her children to come to lasting harm. Of that I have the utmost conviction.
As much as it pains me to admit it, I realise I rather owe Arrendis an apology. My insult to her was, on reflection, not only unwarranted, but it was entirely unbecoming of someone of my social position. I suppose the anxiety I feel at the close proximity of Triglavian activity to Nakri, and the unpleasant revelation that there are certain parties who feel that they should be appeased by being given control of an Imperial solar system got the better of my judgement. As much as I dislike Arrendis and as much as she has been on the opposing side countless times, in this particular instance she is an ally, albeit an uncomfortable one. She, like many others who are not Imperial subjects, has put aside any personal feelings she may have toward the Empire and has acted in its defence. I should, in all honesty, respect and be grateful for that. Therefore, when next I connect to The Summit - and I still utterly detest that forum - should she be there, I shall offer my apologies. It makes little difference whether or not accepts or acknowledges such a gesture, the point is that it is the correct and proper thing to do.
Aldrith is formulating a doctrine that we may take our own actions against this alien enemy. The difficulties facing us are significant, but with intelligence and Faith, we shall overcome, as Amarr has always overcome. God is on our side, and The Eternal Empress shall never allow Her children to come to lasting harm. Of that I have the utmost conviction.
30-05-YC122
I have received a gift from Nauplius. A little soft toy of something called a Yak. Such a strange looking thing. I wonder if it is a real creature. They are symbols of Khanid culture, apparently, and in his note Nauplius spoke of his efforts to bring such to Ammatar. I think perhaps Nauplius worries too much over the loyalty of the Mandate, blinded as he is by his hatred of anything even remotely Tribal. Still, the gift is very sweet, and, although he has few friends in the Empire, I personally do not doubt Nauplius' devotion and integrity to the Throne as I do with others who are all too ready to denounce him.
It has not been an easy few days. The Triglavians have invaded Raravoss in force, though there have been many who have stood against them. Sadly, however, there seem to be just as many who would willingly sacrifice an Imperial system and the subjects of Her Imperial Majesty within it just to try to appease the vermin. Raravoss is but two jumps away from home, and the tension here is palpable. Poor Mama is worrying constantly, though she never shows it outwardly. Papa has been tied up in endless briefings and meetings regarding the defence effort and Imperial collaboration with EDENCOM. I think Sasha and his unit may very well be seconded to this particular front, and Kolya is already on active duty there. I pray God and The Eternal Empress keep them safe, grant them Victory, and return them to us unharmed.
The war in Floseswin is progressing much more positively. Although the ground conflict has seen little change in weeks now, our forces are, by the Grace of God, securing other systems in the Eugidi Constellation. At least this we can give thanks for.
I know, however, that I am failing in my duty. I pray for forgiveness for my weaknesses and failings. I lose direction so easily. I must push myself harder, and I cannot give in to selfishness when so many people are giving everything they can, and more, in the defence of our Motherland.
I must do better, and I shall.
I have received a gift from Nauplius. A little soft toy of something called a Yak. Such a strange looking thing. I wonder if it is a real creature. They are symbols of Khanid culture, apparently, and in his note Nauplius spoke of his efforts to bring such to Ammatar. I think perhaps Nauplius worries too much over the loyalty of the Mandate, blinded as he is by his hatred of anything even remotely Tribal. Still, the gift is very sweet, and, although he has few friends in the Empire, I personally do not doubt Nauplius' devotion and integrity to the Throne as I do with others who are all too ready to denounce him.
It has not been an easy few days. The Triglavians have invaded Raravoss in force, though there have been many who have stood against them. Sadly, however, there seem to be just as many who would willingly sacrifice an Imperial system and the subjects of Her Imperial Majesty within it just to try to appease the vermin. Raravoss is but two jumps away from home, and the tension here is palpable. Poor Mama is worrying constantly, though she never shows it outwardly. Papa has been tied up in endless briefings and meetings regarding the defence effort and Imperial collaboration with EDENCOM. I think Sasha and his unit may very well be seconded to this particular front, and Kolya is already on active duty there. I pray God and The Eternal Empress keep them safe, grant them Victory, and return them to us unharmed.
The war in Floseswin is progressing much more positively. Although the ground conflict has seen little change in weeks now, our forces are, by the Grace of God, securing other systems in the Eugidi Constellation. At least this we can give thanks for.
I know, however, that I am failing in my duty. I pray for forgiveness for my weaknesses and failings. I lose direction so easily. I must push myself harder, and I cannot give in to selfishness when so many people are giving everything they can, and more, in the defence of our Motherland.
I must do better, and I shall.
18-05-YC122
Yebatj!
I may as well simply hand over my ships to the enemy for them to destroy at their leisure. I knew I would lose the Tormentor, of course, but to do so so easily! So frustrating. A lack of concentration, a distraction. I suspect I know all to well the cause, that foolish mail from Commander Adams asking to meet me in Kor-Azor. Then again, I suppose it could be that Constantin has been on my mind a lot recently. Regardless, it is unacceptable. My maintenance crew joked about the curse of a new SKIN, and they were correct as usual. I wonder, then, if there knowledge would lead to something that can give me more of an edge in combat situations, something that will help me focus when I am in the warzone. If I can block out anything but the most relevant thoughts then surely that would give me more chance of being in the fight for longer. I shall have to ask.
I am, however, pleased that Riccoda did not fall to the enemy as well. Whoever that bitch was, she tore through me so quickly that I do not think Riccoda's Tormentor would have survived much longer, but perhaps her focusing on me gave him a chance to damage her. Riccoda said she withdrew after destroying my ship, but I was too busy navigating my pod away to take notice. I made my way back to Mehatoor, docked, and went down to the club. At least I won that fight. I must admit, there is something about the bruises and aches in the morning after that does help me concentrate, that clears my mind. Not that the Esfand when I got back to my quarters did anything to help. I had the strangest visions as I slept. Hundreds and hundreds of spiders in tightly-woven nets. I wonder what deep and convoluted meaning that has.
I think I shall agree to meet with Edward. I am curious as to what he wants. More than likely more of his silly flirtatious games. At least he is entertaining.
Yebatj!
I may as well simply hand over my ships to the enemy for them to destroy at their leisure. I knew I would lose the Tormentor, of course, but to do so so easily! So frustrating. A lack of concentration, a distraction. I suspect I know all to well the cause, that foolish mail from Commander Adams asking to meet me in Kor-Azor. Then again, I suppose it could be that Constantin has been on my mind a lot recently. Regardless, it is unacceptable. My maintenance crew joked about the curse of a new SKIN, and they were correct as usual. I wonder, then, if there knowledge would lead to something that can give me more of an edge in combat situations, something that will help me focus when I am in the warzone. If I can block out anything but the most relevant thoughts then surely that would give me more chance of being in the fight for longer. I shall have to ask.
I am, however, pleased that Riccoda did not fall to the enemy as well. Whoever that bitch was, she tore through me so quickly that I do not think Riccoda's Tormentor would have survived much longer, but perhaps her focusing on me gave him a chance to damage her. Riccoda said she withdrew after destroying my ship, but I was too busy navigating my pod away to take notice. I made my way back to Mehatoor, docked, and went down to the club. At least I won that fight. I must admit, there is something about the bruises and aches in the morning after that does help me concentrate, that clears my mind. Not that the Esfand when I got back to my quarters did anything to help. I had the strangest visions as I slept. Hundreds and hundreds of spiders in tightly-woven nets. I wonder what deep and convoluted meaning that has.
I think I shall agree to meet with Edward. I am curious as to what he wants. More than likely more of his silly flirtatious games. At least he is entertaining.
13-05-YC122
I really must try to set aside more time to keep this diary, but my many and varied duties seem relentless, and as one cycle ends so another begins. At least I have been able to speak with Sasha about the next stage of Operation Cylinder. His team's successful return to Floseswin, albeit with Ishta's minor case of radiation poisoning, uncovered the second Blackguard device. Once the third is located we should have all the intelligence we need to move forward.
Of course, I could not very well have Sasha come here to Mehatoor without insisting he see Ishta. I did not, however, expect them to go to Gottin's Lamp, LUMEN's establishment. Quite the privilege for Sasha considering he is not directly affiliated with any of LUMEN's allies. Unless they count the military forces of the Sarum Family as allies and I am still not completely sure if they do.
Sasha even met the Directrix, and says he found her very pleasant and friendly, as well he might! I must admit I do not fully trust LUMEN or their agenda, not with recent events, but I cannot hold that personally against the Directrix. She must have a lot of strength and willpower to be able to lead and exercise any degree of control over a group such as LUMEN, with all their differing outlooks and opinions. They are not like PIE, for we have a unity of purpose and calling that gives us our strength. Notwithstanding the apparent loss of direction and questionable entanglements with the enemy that some have exhibited recently, of course. To think I once thought so highly ofPalad Lady Elkin.
Unfortunately, my brother was not entirely the ambassador I would have hoped for my family. Winking at the Directrix! What was he thinking? Far too relaxed in Ishta's company, I have no doubt. I shall have to apologise to the Directrix for his behaviour. As much as I love dear Sasha, he does forget himself sometimes. That sort of thing I expect from Felix, of course, with his flippant attitude toward everything. At least I can trust dear sweet Kolya to set a good example.
I shall also have to find time to sit my Paladin Examination soon. It is far too overdue and I cannot delay it any longer. I shall have been the longest serving Aspirant in PIE's history! I must simply overcome my nerves and trust in the Divine Guidance of The Eternal Empress. It shall be as She Wills it.
I really must try to set aside more time to keep this diary, but my many and varied duties seem relentless, and as one cycle ends so another begins. At least I have been able to speak with Sasha about the next stage of Operation Cylinder. His team's successful return to Floseswin, albeit with Ishta's minor case of radiation poisoning, uncovered the second Blackguard device. Once the third is located we should have all the intelligence we need to move forward.
Of course, I could not very well have Sasha come here to Mehatoor without insisting he see Ishta. I did not, however, expect them to go to Gottin's Lamp, LUMEN's establishment. Quite the privilege for Sasha considering he is not directly affiliated with any of LUMEN's allies. Unless they count the military forces of the Sarum Family as allies and I am still not completely sure if they do.
Sasha even met the Directrix, and says he found her very pleasant and friendly, as well he might! I must admit I do not fully trust LUMEN or their agenda, not with recent events, but I cannot hold that personally against the Directrix. She must have a lot of strength and willpower to be able to lead and exercise any degree of control over a group such as LUMEN, with all their differing outlooks and opinions. They are not like PIE, for we have a unity of purpose and calling that gives us our strength. Notwithstanding the apparent loss of direction and questionable entanglements with the enemy that some have exhibited recently, of course. To think I once thought so highly of
Unfortunately, my brother was not entirely the ambassador I would have hoped for my family. Winking at the Directrix! What was he thinking? Far too relaxed in Ishta's company, I have no doubt. I shall have to apologise to the Directrix for his behaviour. As much as I love dear Sasha, he does forget himself sometimes. That sort of thing I expect from Felix, of course, with his flippant attitude toward everything. At least I can trust dear sweet Kolya to set a good example.
I shall also have to find time to sit my Paladin Examination soon. It is far too overdue and I cannot delay it any longer. I shall have been the longest serving Aspirant in PIE's history! I must simply overcome my nerves and trust in the Divine Guidance of The Eternal Empress. It shall be as She Wills it.
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