14-06-YC122

I have been promoted to Imperial Major!  It is true that few of the Units who aid the Crusade care much for the basic ranks of the Militia, but ever since I entered the Academy, indeed, even before, I had always wanted to achieve this rank.

Imperial Major Ekaterina Mariya deSilvestris - it has a certain martial sound to it, I think.

Of course, I had not quite expected to celebrate it the way I did.  It started with an invitation from the Directrix herself to the Awards Ceremony for the Writing Competition.  I have not followed it, but given how busy we have been, there was a chance that there would be no PIE representative there if I had not gone, and it presented a welcome break from duties.  In the end, Paladin Kley was there, as was Lord Gallius.  It was a pleasant Ceremony, and I am sure the prizes were well deserved.  Elsebeth Rhiannon swept the board, with a total of six medals, though she did not look entirely pleased about it. Tribals are so rarely grateful, and no doubt she had some sort of disagreement about being awarded a prize by an Amarrian.  Why they cannot, for one night, rise above such base hostility and simply appreciate the Directrix's efforts to celebrate all the culture of New Eden, I shall never know.  I feel sort for poor Lunarisse at times.  She puts in so much effort for so little gratitude in return.

Of greatest surprise was Constantin being there.  I had not expected to see him, especially as he was alone.  He seemed so tired and worn, I fear he is again failing to look after himself.  I  would not have let that happen.  Perhaps I should have kept my distance and leave him be, but when he appeared to be limping, or at least nursing some sort of injury, I could not help myself.

I think he was most surprised to see me.  Indeed, I know he was!  We chatted, idly, for a little while, but I could not get him to open up to me, not as he used to.  More than likely he is closing himself off to protect me, but I pray that if he will not talk to me, he at least is talking to someone.  I would have thought that a lover's role, but perhaps some lover are not up to the task.

I know I should not have, but I told him what I had been keeping inside me all this time.  Perhaps I wanted to lift his heart a little. Perhaps I wanted to lift mine.  I do not know, but as we parted I told him the truth, that I have never hated him, have never held anything in my heart but that which I have always held for him.  Now, in the sober loneliness of the next day, I wish he had not replied the way he did.  He told me he still loves me, and has never stopped.

Oh, but if only the night had stopped there.  I look back, rewind the entire chain of events in my mind and I still not know what I was thinking.  One thing I can say for sure, however, is that Commander Adams is not the shameless lothario his reputation would have so many believe.  He is, however, at once the most irreverent, frustrating clown I have ever met and a rather sweet rogue who makes me smile despite myself.  Who else but he would sit out of sight whistling some silly song that I recognised from one of our previous meetings whilst I sat there taking to Constantin?

What else is there to write?  I would have done so much more than simply slept with his arms wrapped around me last night, but he was a gentleman who refused to take advantage of me.  It is not that I was inebriated, though I had had some drinks, but I was lonely, and he could see that.  I think he was too, and he had been looking for more, though not from me specifically.  I think what changed his intentions was my mentioning being in a relationship.  I respect him for that, it is the mark of good character, but I am also grateful that he did spend the night holding me.

It was wrong, I know, and I do not know how I shall face Lilya.  I cannot justify my actions, no matter how much I may place the blame on the stress and isolation that my near constant cycle of various duties may cause me.  Lilya has not seen me for the same amount of time I have not seen her, yet I can absolutely guarantee she has done no such immoral act.

I cannot deny that it was desire that drove me, and not just the desire to avoid being alone, to feel the warmth of someone beside me.  It was also a more base desire, a carnal one, in part because of seeing Constantin yet not being able to have him, and in part because, in all truth, Edward is an extremely attractive man.

I shall just have to accept the guilt.  It is not as though it is the only guilt I shall carry with me.